


Growing Up Dier

by Gummiebear



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-01-23 22:01:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18558736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gummiebear/pseuds/Gummiebear
Summary: A series of blurbs surrounding Eric Dier and Dele navigating fatherhood.





	1. Chapter 1

“Here.”

Eric froze as the tiny baby was placed into his arms. He was so afraid he’d break her if he breathed too hard. She just laid still in his arms, sleeping soundly. He watched her cautiously as she just slept, staring at her tiny little chest as it rose with every breath. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Bond with her,” Dele said, taking a seat next to him. “This is your first chance with our little girl. Introduce yourself.”

“She knows me,” Eric quickly protested. “I talked to her all nine months.”

“I know, Diet,” Dele scoffed with a shake of his head. “We both did. I spent all morning with her, she recognizes our voices but now we can feel you, smell you.”

Eric looked over at Dele like he had a hundred heads. When did he become the baby whisperer? Maybe when he read all the books that were given to them. Eric browsed through them, claiming he already knew everything from his nieces and nephews. “Smell me?”

“We’re animals, Eric. The smell helps bond,” he told him. “Matter of fact, take off your shirt.”

“You’re batshit,” Eric told him firmly, his voice a harsh whisper. “I will not take my shirt off.”

“Skin to skin,” Dele explained. “It’ll help the bond.”

“Stop taking the piss, Delboy,” Eric told him, a warning tone to his voice. “Our little girl is hardly a day old and you already want me to be the joke of the two of us.”

“Eric Jeremy Dier,” Dele sternly barked at him, wincing when the baby stirred in her slumber. “I want you to experience everything that fatherhood can offer. You weren’t around to see the birth, she and I are thick as thieves. Now it’s your turn. Strip.”

Eric hesitantly handed their daughter over to Dele and ripped off his shirt in mere seconds. He readjusted himself on the chair, making grabby hands at his husband for the baby. “Now what?”

Dele swatted Eric’s hands away and made sure to be extra carefully when removing the hospital onesie from his daughter. He fixed the hospital issued hat on her head before carefully placing her on Eric’s chest. “Just relax and bond.”

“She’s warm,” he said in amazement, his right hand placed softly on her back, feeling her breath. “Do I say anything?”

“Do whatever you want, love,” he softly laughed. “We had a wonderful conversation this morning.”

Eric readjusted himself once more, holding tight so he wouldn’t drop the baby. He was hyper paranoid of every little movement he made. Was he breathing too hard and squishing her chest? Was he too warm thus transferring his body temperature to her? He just stared down at her and watched her sleep, a tiny smile creeping on her beautiful face, a sigh of content escaping her tiny lips. “Hello, beautiful. Daddy’s here now. I heard you had a wonderful conversation with your Pop this morning.”

“I’ll leave you alone,” Dele told him. He could feeling himself being an intruder on their special moment. He stood up and placed a kiss on Eric and their daughter’s foreheads. “I’ll get us something to eat.”

“Thanks,” he replied. He sighed once they were alone, now more afraid than he was before. “Hey Fay, my perfect beautiful little angel. I’m am so happy you’re here, finally. I know Pop is too. We’ve been waiting for you our whole lives it seems.”

Eric felt a little silly talking to a sleeping baby shirtless. He knew that he needed to speak so she’d grow accustomed to his voice, his smell, his touch. Fay just laid there on his chest, breathing evenly and sleeping. Doing exactly what a newborn should be doing. 

“I can’t wait until you come home,” he continued, gently rubbing her back, just so he could feel her smooth fresh, baby skin. “Your avós and your tias and tios are so excited to meet you, all your cousins too. They can wait though because I want you all to myself, me and Pop. It’s taken us a long, long time to get you here. We had to go through so much heartache and pain and fight for you to be here but it was so worth it, Fay, so worth it.”

Fay let out a low mew noise like an animal that startled Eric. He immediately panicked, looking around the room trying to figure out who and how’d he call for help. The noise was quickly over after Fay moved her little legs and stretched, getting herself comfortable on Eric properly. He let out a sigh of relief that his panic was only momentarily. He just kept staring at her in amazement. She was here. After trying for a baby for close to two years, Eric was now a father. If someone had told him six years ago when he met a little pencil looking kid named Dele that they’d be married and fathers, he’d laugh in your face. 

“Wouldn’t change it,” Eric said out loud. “You were so worth the wait little Fay. I’ve had so many highs in my life, meeting your Pop, falling in love with him, marrying him. Winning the league and the World Cup all in one year, but you my dear, are my best accomplishment.”

Dele knocked softly on the door before walking back into the room, a brown bag of what smelt like greasy food in his hand. “How you guys doing?”

“Good,” Eric replied with a wide smile. “She’s a good audience.”

“Let her rest,” Dele said, placing the bag on the table and taking Fay from Eric’s arms. He placed her softly in her bassinet watching her stir briefly before going back to sleep. “Come on dad, let’s eat.”

Eric accepted the food passed to him, his eyes never leaving Fay as she rested. “She’s ours, Del. We created her.”

Dele let out a soft chuckle. “We did good, Dier.”

Eric let out a sigh of content as he put his shirt back on, suddenly feeling chilly without the heat of the baby on his chest. “We’re gonna be good at this.”

Dele looked between his husband and daughter, a wide smile on his face. He was so overcome with emotions, especially love for the both of them. “Yeah, we are.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh my god, oh my god!”

Eric heard Dele screaming from the nursery. He dropped the book in his hand and made a mad dash up the flight of stairs, following the panicked screaming. “What happened? What did you do? Is she breathing? You’re just changing her diaper.”

“Something fell off!” Dele yelled in a complete panic. His skin looked pale and blotchy, sweat dripping from his brow. 

Eric had only left him because Dele volunteered to change her diaper. Eric took two huge steps toward the changing table, worried. “What fell off? Her toe? Her foot? Her head?” 

“Her bellybutton!” Dele exclaimed excitedly.

“Del,” he called him, suddenly calm with the biggest urge to let out a raucous laugh. He’d spare his husband the embarrassment. “Oh, babe.”

“What?” He asked, still panicked, holding the lost bellybutton his his shaking hand. 

Fay cooed at the loss of attention, she had her chubby little legs kicking in the air. Thankfully Dele finished changing her diaper before his freak out. 

“Don’t laugh,” Dele begged, his voice cracking as he spoke. His color was slowly returning to his face. “Eric, stop!”

“You read all the books,” Eric softly reminded him, picking Fay up and bouncing her on his hip to sooth her. “Even books in another language just so you were well informed. Had me translate the ones in Portuguese.”

“That’s not helping!” He squawked. “Books don’t help when a body part is falling off your three week old child!”

Eric had to dodge from Dele’s flailing arms, he’d never been so gesticulative until this moment. “Del, babe, breathe. Calm down, love.”

“Calm,” he scoffed. “Telling me to calm down.”

Fay was making noises, trying to get someone’s attention seeing both of her fathers were ignoring her. Yeah, she was definitely Dele’s child, making a fuss when no one was paying attention to her. Eric gently rubbed her head, heeding the doctors orders to be careful as her skull was still shaping and fusing together. 

Dele shoved the fallen off bellybutton in Eric’s face ecstatically. “What am I supposed to do with this? Should we call doctor Anna? Rush her to the hospital?”

Eric’s free hand took the piece of flesh from Dele’s hand and walked to the diaper genie and tossed it out. “All done.”

“All done?”

“It was the leftover umbilical chord,” Eric explained. “Anna explained that to us. It’s supposed to fall off, that’s why Fay’s been getting sponge baths for the last few weeks. We weren’t allowed to soak it, just lightly clean it. It’s okay. She’s okay. Right bub?”

Dele gawked at Eric, mouth open. He looked between his husband who desperately wanted to laugh, but didn’t, and his daughter who was looking up at him with her wide blue eyes. God, she looked just like Eric. “She-she’s fine?”

“Perfect,” Eric assured him. “Now I need you to be. So, just breathe. Alright?”

Dele took a deep breath as he nodded his head. He had to ground himself and his thoughts to relieve his anxiety. Little mantras he was taught as a child and took with him into adulthood. Just becoming aware of his surroundings and control the things he could and let go of what he couldn’t. Fay was fine, Eric too. Last time he spoke to his family they were all doing great. Everything was okay. 

“Better?” Eric asked hesitantly. 

“Better,” he said. He rose his hand to show Eric that he had stopped shaking. His color was finally back, a little pink around the cheeks, but he was better. “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“We have a newborn,” Eric reminded him, kissing his forehead in comfort. “Freak outs are bound to happen for the rest of her life.”

“Thank you for being calm,” Dele told him, lightly squeezing Fay’s legs and kissing her toes. “Your Pop was a little ecstatic.”

“If you’re this crazed over her umbilical chord, wait until she gets her period,” Eric joked. 

“Don’t,” Dele stopped him, raising his hand. “I don’t even want to think of that right now. She’s staying this tiny for the rest of her life. Isn’t that right little babes?”

Fay looked up at Dele with her wide eyes, like she knew she was being spoken to. Her little legs kicking, her arms flailing about. Dele scooped her up from Eric’s arms and peppered kissed all over her face which had her squirming in his arms trying to doge them with no luck. 

“We can handle this,” Dele told Eric confidently. 

Eric watched as Fay made little noises as Dele kept kissing her and speaking to her in his best baby voice, just words of love and appreciation. His heart swelled with love. “Yeah, we’ve got this.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Da-da. Da-da. Come on little one, say it.”

“You’re cheating,” Dele accused him with a laugh. “You purposely filling her head so she’d say daddy first.”

Eric looked up from where he was sitting on the floor with Fay. She was lying on her back on her play mat playing with all the toys that surrounded her. “I am not!”

“Lies,” he repeated, sitting down next to Eric. “Okay Fay, if you say Poppa first I’d buy you a Ferrari.”

Eric gawked at his husband, dumbfounded. “Now you’re bribing her!”

“She doesn’t even know what a Ferrari is, Dier,” Dele laughed. 

“Semantics,” Eric waved his comment off with a scoff. “Fairy Fay, say da-da.”

Fay kicked her legs about, making one of her toys go off and play a song that made both Eric and Dele groan. That sound seeping into their subconscious during the past month. They watched her cautiously as she turned onto her belly and slowly raised her head to get a better view of everything around her. 

“She can’t be bothered,” Dele noted with a sigh. “She’ll talk when she’s ready.”

“Most babies don’t utter their first word until ten months,” Eric spat the fact out. “She’s nine months and maybe we’re just pushing her, yeah?”

“She hit all her milestones on time or early so there’s no need to panic,” he assured Eric, scratching his head. He loves that Eric decided to shave his head regularly now that Fay was around. He didn’t want his longer hair becoming a chew toy especially once she started teething two months prior. She was fearless, she’s put anything in her mouth to numb the pain.

A few days later Eric was cleaning up in the kitchen, Fay crawling around at his feet, pushing around a toy football that Uncle Winksy got her for her birth. She oddly loved that damn thing. Most kids had a stuffed animal as their first toy, not Fay. She never went anywhere without that toy. The home was quiet, Dele at training for the preseason. Poch let him kiss traveling to Africa with the team as long as he showed up to every preseason training session he had planned, no matter the time. Perks of being captain. Eric hung up his boots a year before, basically from the second he found out Fay was going to be born. He had accomplished all he wanted with club and country, now it was time to have a personal life. 

Eric loved his alone time with Fay. He would just look at her for hours, doing nothing. He was afraid he’d miss something if he looked away so his eyes were glued on that little girl at all times. His mum told him to rest when she rested, but he couldn’t. He’d lay on the couch, or in the chair in her bedroom so he was always close by just in case she needed him. She was an excellent baby, always got compliments from family when they’d watch her while both Eric and Dele were working. Eric would stop by the Sky Sports studio and work their pre and post match commentary after big, important England and Spurs matches. It wasn’t much but it was Eric’s ongoing connection to the game and the people who he cared most about. Now he was solely focused on Fay, Dele, and their family. 

“You hungry little bub?” Eric asked a still crawling and playing Fay at his feet as his put away the last dish in the dishwasher. 

Fay stopped in her tracks, disregarding the toy football to sit up and looked up at Eric. Her eyes were wide at the question. She may look like Eric and spend a majority of the day with Eric but her personality was definitely Dele’s, there was no denying that and that warmed Eric’s heart each and every time. 

“Say da-da first and you can have some good oatmeal,” Eric told her. He was desperate, if Dele could bribe her with a car, he could bribe her with food. No one was around to judge him anyway. He crouched down so he was at her eye level, smiling wide. “Come on bub, day da-da.”

Fay opened her mouth, Eric’s eyes going wide with excitement. This was it, she was going to say her first coherent word. Nope, all that came out was a bunch of baby gargle. That was fine, there wasn’t any rush or hurry for her to speak. Eric just wanted her first words to be his name over Dele’s, just a little friendly competition is all. Eric scooped her up and placed Fay in her highchair as he heated up her oatmeal. He was overjoyed that she had moved on to solid foods because those baby food jars were collecting and taking up a ton of room in the pantry and frankly the food smelt. 

Fay at excitingly, she too happy to be eating solids. The oatmeal got mostly on her face and shirt but she looked over joyed about the mess so Eric couldn’t be fussed by it. She was able to hold her own bottle now so Eric had more time to clean up the mess as she drank happily. He loved little moments like this, moments where everything was quiet around them and it was just them and a simple task like feeding. Eric would tease her with the spoon, her little feet kicking in excitement as the excitement of it. He’d giggle at her and she’s kick even harder and faster, basking in the attention from her father. 

“Nana.”

Eric dropped the spoon as Fay spoke. She actually spoke! He wasn’t even concerned over the slight mess he made with the dropped spoon. His little girl actually said her first words!

“Nana, nana, nana.”

“Oh my god,” he gasped as she kept speaking over and over again. It took Eric a second to realize what she was actually saying and when he did his face fell. “Nana?”

“Nana,” She repeated excitingly. 

Eric grabbed his phone off the table behind him and immediately phoned his husband. “Come on, pick up.”

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Dele answers breathlessly. 

“She said her first words!” Eric exclaimed. 

“Oh my god!” Dele shouted, Eric could hear the echo of his words, more than likely he was in the changing room. “She say Poppa or Daddy? Tell me Dier!”

“Nana,” he said flatly. He was over the moon that she spoke, just wished she had uttered a different word. 

“Nana?” He asked, a little shocked. “What the-? Nana?”

“It’s your mums fault,” Eric accused him. “She’s been brainwashing this poor child to say her name first.”

“Sally Hickford is a saint,” Dele laughed. “But a clever woman, I’ll tell you that much.”

“She spoke Del,” Eric finally realized, breaking out into a wide smile. “She’s growing up and speaking and before you know it she’ll be speaking in full sentences and having a conversation with us.”

“Slow down, Dier,” he laughed at his husbands optimism. “One word at a time. Her next word better be Poppa or I swear I’ll hunt down my mother.”

“Sally Hickford is a saint!” Eric echoed his earlier words. “She got our baby to talk Del.”

“Now I’m the bad guy,” Dele scoffed. “Babe, I gotta go. I’ll be home soon. Give kisses to Fay. Love you.”

“Love you Delboy. Get home safe.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Del, Del, look she’s gonna do it,” Eric whispered ecstatically to his husband watching their daughter cautiously. 

Fay was standing on her tip toes, fingers gripping the side table in the living area. That’s what she’s been doing for the last two weeks. She’ll pull herself up and just stand there, no real desire to budge. 

“She’s not gonna do it,” Dele huffed in frustration. He didn’t want to be frustrated but he wanted her to walk. She was always so so close. 

“I fee like we’re having the first words conversation all over again,” Eric laughed. “Wait until she’s running, we’ll miss these moments.”

Dele sighed at the realization that she’d be running around the house, tearing it apart before he had time to adjust to her walking. “Come on Fairy girl, you can do it.”

Fay gripped the table tighter, her legs moving but she wasn’t going anywhere. She shuffled a little, still holding on. She looked between both Eric and Dele and smiled, proud of herself despite not really doing anything. That was enough for her, she sat back down on the floor and was done trying. 

“Do we bribe her?” Dele asked curiously. 

“You always want to bribe her,” Eric reminded him. “She said Poppa before Daddy and you still haven’t gotten her that Ferrari you promised.”

“She’ll get one,” he replied smugly. “A toy one, but she’ll get one.”

Eric rolled his eyes at Dele and smirked over to him letting him know it was all just banter. Eric stood up, placing a kiss on Fay’s head affectionately before retiring to the kitchen to make lunch for them. It was a rare weekday that all of them were home, no training, no work, just the three of them getting to be a family. Eric was selfishly counting down the months, weeks, and even days to the summer holidays where they could experience this everyday. No international games to be played or to comment on for Sky Sports. Just the three of them in the sandy white beaches of Portugal. Eric could not wait to show his daughter where and how he grew up. Show her off and show her around. 

A week or so later Dele was sitting on the sofa flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. Eric was at the store buying the weeks worth of groceries that he always insisted he did alone. So what if Dele was like a child and pulled random things off the shelf and threw them into the trolley as they shopped? They could afford the extra bag or two of crisps he wanted. It wasn’t appropriate food to eat during the season but he was a vet, he knew what he could and couldn’t handle. Fay was pushing around her toy walker, the only way at this point she was able to walk on her own. Stubborn little girl. Dele grinned at the realization that she was definitely his child with her spunky personality. 

Dele kept a watchful eye on their daughter as she played. Like Eric she was accident prone as well. Luckily she hadn’t broken anything, yet. She had mysterious bruises pop up once or twice a week that concerned both of them until they were reassured by both their mothers that it wasn’t uncommon. She was crawling around a lot that put a toll on her legs and knees and tended to cause bruises. Especially now that she was determined to walk she’d be bumping into things regularly. Or as Dele simply put it, she was a Dier through and through. 

“Poppa!” Fay called to him in her tiny squeaky voice. “Poppa! Poppa! Poppa!”

Dele turned his full attention to his little girl as she called him. He sat up and forward on the sofa as he watched cautiously as Fay let go of her toy and hobbled towards him on her own. She walked tentatively but she was walking on her one. Dele grabbed his phone and immediately recorded her movements while still keeping a watchful eye on her. He wanted to scream and yell and rejoice but knew not to spook her causing her to fall and potentially hurting herself. She walked the two feet from the toy to Dele with a massive, proud smile on her face. She knew she accomplished something special. Once she reached Dele he stopped the recording and scooped Fay up in his arms. 

“You did it bubba!” He cried gleefully. “You did such a good job little one. Daddy’s gonna be so proud of you.”

The reality that Eric missed Fay’s first steps hit Dele like a rock once he heard the front door closed with a thud. He quickly panicked and put his phone back on the side table and tried to play it cool. He placed Fay back on the floor and rushed up to help Eric with the grocery bags and kissed his cheek warmly as a greeting. Eric wasn’t stupid, knew all about Dele and his tactics. Could read his face like a damn book. 

“What happened?” Eric asked, eyebrow raised in curiosity. “Do I need to call an ambulance or a lawyer?”

Dele rolled his eyes at Eric’s accusations and ran to grab his phone. He unlocked it, pulled up his videos, pressed play, and let Eric watch. He remained silent, not knowing what to say to Eric exactly. He missed a momentous occasion in their daughters life. He kept his eyes squarely on Eric to gauge his reaction. Eric gasped as Fay waddled her way to Dele and the sofa, his eyes wide. 

“Sh-she walked,” he was finally able to vocalize after watching the video two more times. “Del, she walked and I missed it.”

“She’ll walk again, babe,” he softly reassured him. “She won’t stop doing it now, promise.”

“I went to buy damn groceries and she walked!” Eric exclaimed, his face sullen. He could feel himself getting emotional. His emotions ranging from pride to sadness to despair. “I’m a horrible father.”

“Stop it,” Dele scolded him. He turned to face Eric, his body leaning up against the kitchen counter. “You’re not a horrible father. Not at all. Don’t think that.”

“Who misses their daughters first steps!” Eric cried. He rubbed his palms harshly against his eyes, trying desperately to not cry. He felt so stupid for missing this important occasion. 

“It was bound to happen,” Dele tried to reason with him softly. “I missed her first words and her first crawl, remember? She’s doing a lot now and things like this happen.”

“But Del-“

“Eric,” he said, placing his hands gently on Eric’s shoulders to center him. “I know it hurts and it sucks and you wish you were here but she won’t remember it. Just think about how amazing it’ll be when you do see her walk.”

Eric put his hands on Dele’s and sighed. He could hear Fay faintly laughing at whatever she was playing with in the next room. “I know. I know. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“Understandable,” he assured him. Dele placed a kiss to Eric forehead before swatting him on the bum playfully. “Go inside and I’ll put away the groceries.”

Eric narrowed his eyes at Dele and scrunched up his face. “You sure?”

“I know you don’t like how I put things away,” he laughed, pinching Eric’s cheek. “But you can trust me. Go! She may walk again and you can experience it for yourself.”

“Thank you for keeping me sane and grounded Delboy.”

Dele blushed and batted his eyelashes with a laugh. “One of my many traits. Now go!”


	5. Chapter 5

The season was wrapping up, the sun shinning higher and brighter in the sky each and everyday. Dele was still working just as hard as he did in his earlier years, this time with less pressure on his shoulders. Tottenham had won the title twice since he had arrived. 2022 was the stellar year for him, England winning the World Cup and Tottenham taking the trophy. That’s also the year Eric retired. He hung up his boots on top, the year ending with Fay’s arrival. Dele decided to stick around, as long as he could physically play he was going to do it. He scarified a lot of personal time to still be able to play and play at the level he expected for himself and what the world wanted from him. Poch was still at the reigns of the club, which was a small miracle for Dele and Eric. He stood by them when they announced their nuptials right after the World Cup win. The world had mixed reactions, of course they did. Poch and even Southgate stood firmly by them as the love and hate poured in from every which way. 

Non of that deterred either man from moving forward with each other or with football. They had to block out the noise, both good and bad. Things were said in the news all the time about them professionally and personally. They carried on as professionals, getting married in Portugal surrounded by their close friends and family. They returned to training as if nothing ever happened, carried on with their lives like they normally would. No one in the training room or around the club treated them different, at least not to their faces. If they could still play and perform at the top level, people couldn’t care less what they did behind closed doors. Of course they panicked every away game, hoping nothing was going to happen to them or their teammates. Yes extra security was called in when Tottenham played, but most fans let them be. Yes they heard derogatory words and had gestures aimed at them but overall it was manageable. 

It wasn’t until the season was over and they were deep into the summer holidays that the buzz died down. Fans would see them on the streets and still ask for autographs and pictures, some even celebrating their bravery for being out and open in football. It was easier to tackle things when they were together. When they were spotted alone, it was a crapshoot as to what reaction they get. They never once feared for their safety, so that was a major plus. It was late one night when they were laying in their honeymoon suite in Santorini that the topic of children were brought up. Eric was from a large family and wanted as many as they could have as quick as possible. Dele was hesitant, naturally. Flashbacks of his own childhood running through his head. Eric never once pressured him to make a decision right away, just planted the seeds. 

After their first match of the season, an easy home win against Chelsea, Dele agreed to have kids with Eric. They were driving home, a buzz in the car from their adrenaline being in high gear, when Dele casually brought up the topic. Eric almost drove them off the rode he was shocked and excited. They knew they had hurdles to climb if they were going to have a baby but they were willing to do it, as long as they were together. They told their families who were over joyed and ecstatic as well. They looked into adoption and the possibility of a surrogate as well. They weighed all their options, spoke to professionals who were well versed on both topics before deciding on surrogacy. The process was long and tedious, trying to find the right surrogate who was willing to take on this monumental journey with and for them. They also weighed the idea of who’d be the biological father as well. Topics of discussion they never knew they’d have in their relationship, they were forced to have. This was all happening on top of them trying to play and have a career and a stable marriage in the spotlight. 

Everything came to a head in the early fall, their surrogate was pregnant. Life was immediately turned upside down for Eric and Dele. They were over the moon but also cautious. They understood the ups and downs of pregnancy but were more hopeful than not. They had to keep the news to themselves until mid November, until the twelve week mark. On a random Wednesday night they hosted a family dinner for both sets of parents and siblings and made the announcement. Tears were shed, hugs were handed out and excitement was felt in the entire home. They family was growing by one in the summer. Preparing the babies arrival was a task, Dele diligently read all the books, even the ones for the expected mother so he could try and understand what their surrogate was going through. She was a trooper, remained behind the scenes once the news broke to the public. She was always around and available when either man needed her. She urgently called them in the middle of the night the first time she felt the baby kick. Involving them in every little thing that had to do with their child. 

On July 21st, little Fay Rose Dier was born. She came two days early to the surprise of everyone. Eric wasn’t even in England when he got the call. He was visiting his family in Portugal, his flight set to arrive back in London that night. Dele ran to the hospital and was by the surrogates side the entire time, Eric on the phone the whole time. When Fay let out her first cry so did her fathers. It was real, she had arrived. Dele held her first, cut the umbilical chord and was overwhelmed with so many emotions. She fussed a little, as all newborns do, but settled herself quickly in Dele’s arms. She was tiny, but beautiful, perfect even. Their first moments together were breath taking, Dele immediately enamored with his little girl. He called his family to let the know the good news as Fay slept comfortably. She looked just let Eric from second one, blue eyes looking up blindly at Dele, a spattering of blond hair on her newborn head. 

He spoke to her as he held her, as she slept, as he changed his first diaper, and helped with the first feeding. Told her all about the world she was being welcomed in to. Told her about her family. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When Eric finally arrived tearful hugs and kisses were exchanged. They just stared at each other wordlessly as their daughter slept. She was here and their family finally felt complete. They’d spent so many years together building their relationship. First as teammates, then friends, boyfriends, fiancées, husbands, and their best title: fathers. Their love was now going to be shared with the one person who deserved it most in the entire world. The first few days they didn’t want to leave the cocoon they built around them. Not wanting to let anyone spoil their precious moments together. Family and friends eventually came around to visit once they were home. All of them oohing and awing over the newborn and how perfect she was. She really was, no one was being biased. 

Fast forward to May and Fay was growing up right before their eyes. The season was on its last match, a home one against Leicester. The league already belonged to Arsenal with Tottenham securing second place easily. There was nothing to play for except the fans. It was a home match and Dele wasn’t sure if it’ll be his last or not. He and Eric were debating on if he should hang up his boots or not. Eric did the year before and never once regretted one second of it. He got to spend all day with Fay and raise her properly, not relying on nannies or their parents. Sally was always around if they needed it, if Eric needed to run an errand or if Dele and Eric wanted a night to themselves to solidify their already strong bond. Dele saw how happy Eric was at home, how at ease he looked each night when they were in bed. He wanted that but he still loved the game and couldn’t see himself saying goodbye to it just yet. 

Eric was in the stands with Fay and the Hickfords, all of them knowing it could be the last time they witness Dele playing professional football. The other wives and children were sitting around them, basking in the May midday sunshine and enjoying a good match. It was a deadlock until the eighty fifth minute when Dele scored. The crowed when wild, breaking out into song right away. Eric was ecstatic, waving Fay’s little arms in celebration, Alan and Sally capturing it on camera to show Dele later. The final whistle blew and concluded the season. Eric was escorted down towards the pitch along with Fay by stadium security even though he knew the place like the back of his hand. Dele was hesitant when he asked if he’d bring Fay onto the pitch at the end of the match. All the other guys were bringing their wives and kids so Dele wanted to as well. He knew how private they were with their daughter. The only pictures of her were of the back of her head, her hands, her feet. No one had seen her face. Paparazzi had been respectful enough to not show her face when posting pictures of them out together as a family. 

“You sure?” Eric asked once more as he and Fay stood in the tunnel waiting for the signal from security to step onto the pitch. 

Dele looked behind them at the fans that remained in the stands. Some of the guys were already walking along the pitch with their families, smiling and waving at the fans. “Absolutely. This is my family and I want to celebrate the season with them.”

“Okay,” Eric said, taking a deep nervy breath and gripping Fay at little bit closer to himself as they stepped onto the pitch.

The noise was deafening, just like Eric remembered it. He didn’t know if it got louder once they made their entrance but the energy immediately felt different. Fay looked around in amazement, everything so new and exciting to her. They walked along the pitch, applauding the fans and sending them heartfelt thanks for their support not only today but the entire season. Dele just soaked it in, holding tight to Eric’s hand and placing a comforting pat to Fay’s back to make sure she was okay. Dele didn’t know he could smile as wide as he was, his face starting to strain and hurt after walking a few meters. The reception was overwhelming and all consuming. 

“I’m done,” he whispered into Eric’s ear. 

Eric stopped waving with his free hand and placed a kiss on Fay’s head, looking over at Dele. “We’re not even half around.”

“No, not with the walking,” he replied with a laugh. “Football. I’m done.”

Eric’s eyes grew wide at his confession. “You sure?”

“Positive,” he confirmed with a nod. “Nothing will get better than this, Diet. Look around. I’m home with our fans walking alongside my husband and daughter. Nothing, no trophy, will top this. Besides, our trophy cabinet is full enough.”

“Okay,” Eric said simply. “If you’re okay with hanging up your boots, I support you one hundred percent, Delboy.”

Dele kissed Eric’s temple and then kissed Fay’s head. “I want another baby.”

If Eric wasn’t holding Fay firmly he probably would’ve dropped her due to shock. “Del, ca-can we pause this conversation for home?”

“I want a little boy,” he continued as they kept walking and waving to the fans, Fay still looking around in amazement. “She needs siblings and two more would be good.”

“Del,” he replied through gritted teeth. “When we’re home, babe.”

Dele ran over to a young fan who was waving a sign asking for his shirt which he obliged and signed it, posing for a picture as well. He looked over at Eric who paused his moments and smiled, content with his decision, content with his life. He shook some other fans hands before jogging over back to his family. “Happy, Diet?”

“Over the moon,” he said, grabbing Dele’s hand as they walked the rest of the pitch saying their goodbyes and thanks to the team and sport that brought them together and let them have the lives they were now living.


	6. Chapter 6

Eric feels like he’s a chicken without a head, running around the home looking for what he swears he misplaced. He also swears he had it next to the foyer last night so he wouldn’t forget it. Dele is calmly standing in the living area tying Fay’s shoes as Eric paces the entire home, ignoring him for the most part. Today’s Fay’s first day of school. No more day care, no one staying at home full time. She was a big girl today at the tender age of five. They were both dreading it for different reasons and Eric misplacing his car keys is his way of coping with it. Dele is still remaining calm because someone has to be so Fay doesn’t realize how nervous and tense they both are. 

“You ready Fairy Fay?” Dele asked, patting her foot to let her know she was done. 

Fay stood up with a stomp, trying out her new light up shoes. She squealed in excitement as she continued to stomp and the shoes continued to light up. “Where’s daddy?”

Dele sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Finding his car keys. Dad’s a bit nervous today, bub. You’ve gotta be gentle with him today, okay?”

“Like I am with my toys?” She asked, her wide blue eyes looking up at him.

“Exactly,” he told her gently. “You’re starting big girl school today and that scares daddy. Poppa too, if I’m being honest.”

“You want my stuffed football from uncle Winkys to keep you safe?” She asked sincerely. 

Dele softly laughed at the kind gesture and shook his head. “That’s for you babe, I’ll be okay. Are you okay? Nervous?”

“Excited!” She exclaimed with a jump just to see her shoes light up again.

“Found them!” Eric yelled from somewhere towards the back of the house. He made his way towards the living area and looked Fay up and down. “They were by the master bathroom. Anyway, ready babe?”

“Are you ready, dad?” She countered. Her smart mouth no doubt a trait she inherited from Dele. 

Eric looked between his daughter and husband, a little taken aback. Dele has to his hand to his mouth to suppress whatever laugh was ready to burst out. “Of course I am. I’m fine.”

“Poppa said you were scared,” Fay told him as she shrugged on her jacket and grabbed her backpack. “Like I am of the dark or when you guys leave.”

“Baby,” he cooed at her, exchanging looks over her head at Dele. He was still smirking with pride over how smart and aware she was while Eric was a little shocked at her speech. “I’ll be okay. Daddy’s just scared that you’re growing up too fast, big girl.”

“I’m not big girl,” she corrected him as she hopped into the backseat of the car. “I’m Fay.”

“Yes you are,” Eric reminded her softly as both he and Dele got into the car. “You’re doing big girl things now. Going to school full time, making friends, growing up, bug.”

“Oh,” she responded with a nod and began to zone out like she did every time they got into the car. She’d stare out the window and just get lost looking at the other cars pass them by or whatever she saw outside. 

“Are you okay?” Dele asked, looking over at Eric who was staring straight ahead at the road. 

Eric looked over at Dele briefly and smiled at him. “Fine.”

“It’s okay to have a freak out,” he reminded him. “She’s independent now.”

“She won’t need us anymore,” Eric supplied, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. “She’ll have her own friends and she’ll start to keep secrets from us and next thing we know she’s a teenager with a secret tattoo and belly piercing.”

“Slow down,” Dele laughed. “She’s five, Diet. It’s school not a cult she’s starting.”

“But that’s how it starts,” Eric sighed, looking at Dele. 

“You need to lighten up,” Dele told him honestly. “She’s going to learn her alphabet and basic maths, color a little. That’s all.”

“We can teach her that,” Eric scoffed, making a right turn on the street the school was on. “We can homeschool her.”

“Homeschool!” Dele exclaimed. “Diet, neither of us went to uni. We both barely finished school to being with, football kind of getting in the way.”

“We have enough money to hire someone,” Eric countered. He parked in front of the school and watched as kids made their way up the stairs, waving enthusiastically to their parents. His chest started to ache at the sight of it all. They all looked so happy to be leaving, getting away from their parents. 

“Babe.”

“I’m scared,” he whispered. He looked behind him and Fay who was staring at the building, she was watching in amazement, her eyes big and excited. “She’s blasé about it all and I’m terrified.”

Dele unbuckled his seatbelt and moved to sit directly facing Eric. “You’re not alone. For five years it’s been the three of us. Now it’s not. Now she’s growing up and school is the big part. She’s going to go through some hard times due to us being her parents. Kids suck and are cruel but we’ve been through it before. She’s tough, she’s got Dier DNA in her.”

“I didn’t even think of the bullying,” Eric gasped, covering his mouth. “She should learn karate on the weekends.”

“We can do that,” Dele pacified him. “Or Girl Scouts or whatever she wants. She has her own opinion now, Diet.”

“Can I go now?” Fay’s little voice interrupted their conversation. “I don’t want to be late.”

Dele looked back at Fay who was anxiously bouncing in her seat. Kicking her legs up against the back of Eric’s chair to see her shoes light up once again. “In a minute baby girl. Daddy’s almost done with his nervous breakdown.”

“Okay,” Fay replied with a shrug of her shoulders. 

“Del!” Eric puffed out. “Daddy’s fine, sweetheart. We can go inside in a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” she repeated again, staring out bye window watching the other kids bounce their way into the building. 

Eric sighed and looked at Dele, not able to properly articulate his feelings. He was over the moon excited that Fay was starting school but it did frighten him. For the last five years it was just the three of them in their little safe cocoon. The first year of her life was just her and Eric, for the most part. He knew he was feeling what every parent must feel but it was hard to cope with it when it looked like Dele seemed fine with it all. Eric was excited to hear all the stories Fay would share about her day in such detail with her fiery personality. 

“Babe?” Dele called to Eric. “She’s going to be late.”

Eric took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”

“Yes!” Fay shouted excitingly from the back seat. She scooted towards the other passenger door and hopped out the car. She stood on the sidewalk, hands at her waist as she waited. “Come on guys!”

“Your daughter,” Eric commented as he and Dele exited the car. “Impatient and a spit fire.”

Fay extended each hand for Eric and Dele to hold as they made their way up the stairs and into the building. Older kids were walking at a casual pace with friends while the younger kids clung to the adults they were with. Not Fay, she was holding their hands more for their sake than hers. She was looking at the posters plastered to the walls, looking into classrooms in amazement. It did put Eric at ease that she did seem so calm and confident despite his feelings. They turned down the hall and found her class, her teacher Mrs. Morehouse standing outside and greeting everyone.

“This must be Fay,” she greeted her warmly, a big toothy smile on her face. 

Dele scoffed, knowing that the teacher only recognized Fay due to her parents. If it helped in the long run he wasn’t complaining. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Mrs. Morehouse crouched down to Fay’s eve level. “I hope you have a good year and learn a lot and make tons of friends.”

“I will,” she replied with and enthusiastic nod of her head. She looked back and Dele and Eric with a wave before walking into the room. “Bye!”

Eric stared at the door with his mouth open in shock. Mrs. Morehouse laughing nervously as she stood up. “Sh-she just walked in there all nonchalantly.”

“I know this is a hard time for some parents,” the teacher spoke to him softly like Eric was one of his students. “But she’ll be fine. If you freak out, she’ll freak out. Be calm and stay positive and Fay will be alright.”

“She’s in good hands,” Dele added positively, looking over at the teacher. “Besides, if anything were to happen you’d contact us right away, correct?”

“Absolutely,” Mrs. Morehouse said. “She’s in more than capable hands, if I can be boastful for a minute. Go. Enjoy the day to yourselves. Be adults again.”

Eric looked into the classroom and saw that Fay was already playing with some of the toys set up, surrounded by a few other students. She didn’t look upset or worried, just going about her business as normal. “2:30 dismissal?”

“You can come at two and stay the extra half hour if you want,” she told him. 

Dele shook his head in amusement. Eric was so paranoid about Fay starting school, which was more than acceptable. The poor teacher probably didn’t expect that world famous footballer Eric Dier would be so uptight about his little girl starting school. “Let’s go, Diet. I’m sure Mrs. Morehouse has more important things to do than to play therapist with you.”

Dele eventually was able to pull Eric away from the classroom and school and back into the car. They say their silently for a few minutes. Dele texting his parents to let them know they dropped Fay off with little incident. Eric just sat there, not turning on the car, not occupying himself with anything. He looked like he felt numb and lost. 

“Diet?”

“I’ll be okay,” he finally spoke. “Just a lot to soak in.”

“I know,” Dele replied calmly. “She’s your mini me, your best friend. You two have a bond that I don’t even understand sometimes.”

Eric looked over at Dele and smiled. “Let’s go home Del, enjoy the silence for a while.”

Dele placed a kiss to Eric’s forehead and gently patted his head in comfort. “You’re gonna be fine, Diet. She’ll be fine.”


	7. Chapter 7

Dele was dead tired after a long day. A late match in Manchester against United zapped his energy. It was good to see Marcus, even if it was only on the pitch. It ended in a draw, neither team able to get in ball in the back of the net despite numerous tries. Usually Dele would stay with the team overnight at the hotel and fly back in the morning but now his priorities have changed. He wanted as much time with Fay as possible. He did post match interviews and showered and changed after the match before getting into his chauffeured car and taking off towards the airport. Poch gave him permission days before to leave the team instead of staying overnight. It was a small perk on being captain and the coach’s favorite. He got a quick kip on the plane but his adrenaline was still in overdrive. 

As soon as he touched down in London he got antsy. His bag was thrown over his shoulder as he made his way off the plane and towards the gate. His bones were aching, the adrenaline slowly wearing off. He just needed to make it home and he could collapse. He didn’t even phone home knowing Eric probably had his hands full. Having a two month old would occupy anyone’s time. He bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited for his car to arrive, the driver nice enough to let him know he was running late due to inevitable London traffic, even at a late hour. He was so impatient that a small part of Dele was tempted to just walk home from Heathrow. He checked his phone and saw it was well past two in the morning, he sent a quick text to Poch letting him know he arrived safely, even though he knew the gaffer wouldn’t read it until much later in the day. 

The driver finally arrived, honking at Dele upon his arrival. He threw his back in the back as he jumped in the back, greeting the driver with a warm, tired smile. He tried to close his eyes and let the drive lull him to sleep, thankfully his driver realized he wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. He had the radio on, low, as some kind of background noise. Twenty minutes later, even though it felt like hours, the driver pulled up in front of the gated home. Dele thanked him graciously and hoped out after grabbing his bag. It was creeping towards three in the morning when he unlocked the gate and walked towards the front door. His feet were now dragging, his body feeling heavier and heavier with each step. He could tell that all the lights were off, blinds pulled shut. Either Fay fell asleep relatively easy and Eric went to sleep or Eric took her and ran off. He was hoping for the former. 

The home was quiet, the humming of the fridge the only sound he could hear. He stepped out of his shoes by the front door and shrugged off his coat. Dele dropped his bag by the floor as well, he’ll deal with it later. A large part of Dele just wanted to crawl up the stairs, kiss Fay’s forehead, and go to sleep. He knew though, that if he didn’t eat anything he’d regret it when he woke up with a headache and a growling stomach. He begrudgingly dragged his feet into the kitchen and looked around the fridge and in the pantry for something quick to munch on to quell his appetite. Every instinct inside of him was yelling at him to go upstairs and check on Fay and Eric but he knew if they were asleep he had to leave them be. Fay was a good sleeper, they got lucky, but every little thing lately seemed to wake her. So, he made himself a quick peanut butter and jelly sandwich which he ate over the sink with a glass of milk. 

He went to the bathroom downstairs and splashed some water on his face. His feet instinctively leading him up the stairs towards the bedrooms. Their bedroom door was open ajar as he entered to find it empty. The bed was messed up on Eric’s side, letting Dele know that at least he slept there for some time. He quickly stripped down to his pants to finally get himself comfortable. He fixed his side of the bed before he walked across the hall to Fay’s nursery. He could see some light shining from under the closed door, indicating that at least the night light was on inside the room. He slowly and quietly as possible opened the door. The scene in front of him almost took Dele’s breath away. Eric was sitting on the rocking chair in just his favorite pair of grey joggers, hung low around his hips. He was asleep but clinging tightly to Fay who was also sleeping and just in her nappy. It was a chilly early October night but they were both almost completely undressed. Dele has to chuckle cause he was basically naked himself. 

He didn’t want to wake them, both of them looking peaceful. He did rush to his room to retrieve his phone to capture the moment on his camera, though. His heart was swelling at the sight of them nestled together. The two people he loved the most in the entire world just being together was enough to make his eyes water a little. Dele was just telling himself he was exhausted so the emotions inside of him were running wild. He tentatively walked over to the chair, putting a hand on Fay’s back and just letting it rest there, rising and falling with each breath she took. Her skin was hot to the touch, making sense as to why she was disrobed and resting comfortably on her father’s chest. Eric was lightly snoring, mouth open a little as he slept. It was all endearing but he knew Eric would complain about his neck hurting in the morning of Dele didn’t wake him. 

“Diet, I’m home.”

Eric groaned at the call of his name, eyes still closed. He did move his hand to readjust Fay’s position on his chest, brushing Dele’s as he moved. “Hi.”

“Shh, don’t move,” Dele told him. “She’s sleeping.”

Eric softly nodded, his eyes slowly opening. He took his free hand to scrub at his face and let his eyes adjust to the soft light in the room. “What time is it?”

“After three,” he answered, crouching beside the chair. “I just got home.”

“Sorry about the draw,” Eric replied, his voice still soft with sleep. “I saw you and Rash chatted after the match.”

“He and Jess send their love,” Dele told him. He slowly raised his hand to run his hand through his hair. “How’d you end up here?”

Eric slowly readjusted himself on the chair, making sure he had a firm hold on Fay before moving. “Hungry. She ate around six and passed out soon after. Tried to clean up before the match. Went to bed myself soon after and then the crying began.”

“She ate?” He asked. 

“Six ounces,” he said. “Can you get her? I need to wee.”

Dele stifled his laugh as he stood up and took Fay from Eric’s arms. Trying to place her comfortably in his arms before she squirmed and began to cry. He rocked her for a few moments before she just snuggled into his chest and slept peacefully. Eric stood up and headed towards the bathroom, leaving Dele alone with Fay. “Dad’s chest is comfortable, isn’t it buggy?”

He started to slowly pace the room so the movement kept her asleep. It was peaceful, being alone with Fay as she slept soundly on him. Her little body fitting perfectly in his arms, on his chest. Her new baby smell, even two months later, still intoxicating and alluring. He loved these moments, sadly they were few and far between once the season began, but he treasured them when he was lucky enough to have them. Seeing Eric be so loving and gently with their daughter was one of the best feelings Dele could feel. He was made to be a father and this little girl was made to be his child. 

“She okay?” Eric’s voice cut through the silence, almost startling Dele.

“Perfect,” he told him with a nod. “Think we can put her down and go to bed ourselves?”

Eric didn’t respond, just rearranged the crib to how it was before Fay had woken up. The sheet was tucked in nice and tight and the stuffed toys that aligned the side were secured. “Tired Poppa?”

“Exhausted,” he sighed, his cheeks turning pink at Eric calling him Poppa. He couldn’t wait to hear his little girl call him that one day. He shuffled his feet towards the crib and slowly band carefully placed Fay down. He and Eric held their breaths momentarily hopping she wouldn’t wake or stir. Dele placed his hand on her belly and rocked her for a minute to make sure she was still asleep. “I think we’re good.”

Eric made sure the baby monitor was on before they left the room, leaving the door open ajar. They crossed the hall to their room, their feet leading them instinctively. They got into bed and just laid there, Eric turning on the monitor on his side of the bed. Without words Dele extended his arm, asking for the monitor. He knew Eric was tired as well, spending what was a long night with Fay. If she was to wake again, Dele was more than ready to step in and let Eric sleep in. 

“Seeing you with her like that was beautiful,” Dele said into the darken room. “Took a picture of it. Maybe I’ll frame it and put it in the nursery.”

“You’re a creeper,” Eric laughed, his voice hoarse and tired. “Let’s get some sleep before she wakes again.”

Dele scooted closer to Eric’s side of the bed and pulled him in. It was rare that Eric was okay with being the little soon, he liked to throw a protective arm around Dele at night but tonight Dele could sense Eric needed to be held. They both had long days for drastically different reasons, so Eric just nestled in closer to Dele’s chest, holding tightly onto the arm that was placed across his body, kissing his palm in gratitude.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This beast took me close to a month to write. This is the most emotional and personal thing I’ve probably written. I want to thank my beautiful Z/D anon for helping me through it the entire way, I love you.
> 
> [tumblr](http://softestziam.tumblr.com/)

Dele didn’t even know what time it was by the time he put on the second load of wash of the day. He stood in front of the machine in a pair of pink pants and one sock, the other one went missing hours before. Eric was upstairs bathing Fay for the third time in as many hours. She was spitting up everything they gave her and crying constantly, throwing up twice, hence the wash. Their pediatrician said she was fine unless she was running a high temperature, which she wasn’t. She was cool but fussy, wouldn’t stay still, squirming out of their arms any chance she got. Dele wanted to cry he was so overwhelmed, he couldn’t do anything for her and she couldn’t express what she was feeling either. Eric remained calm through it all, letting Dele walk away to do the wash and gather his thoughts while he tended to Fay and her needs. 

He was feeling overwhelmed, inadequate even. As soon as Fay started to get sick he panicked, tempted to just walk away and leave. He didn’t know where he would go but his mind was telling him to run. He was close to calling his brother or whatever friend was available and just get out of the house, out of north London. Eric was able to calm him down, somewhat. He just couldn’t take the chaos, the crying and screaming and the mess that came along with an ill child. Eric was cool, calm, and collected. Nerves of steel during the crisis. Dele felt like he wasn’t supposed to be a father, he had told Eric that numerous times when they discussed starting a family. Doing laundry, that’s something he was equipped to do, not well, but he could do it. He desperately wanted to help Eric, soothe Fay of whatever was ailing her but he couldn’t. He was stressed and panicked and knew he was just going to get in the way and probably make a bigger mess of the situation. 

Dele sat on the floor, bringing his knees to his chest, resting his head on his arms. He was drained, physically and emotionally. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted a way to vent out his emotions without hurting anyone or himself. All the books in the world could not prepare someone for the inevitable, the fight or flight reaction to becoming a parent. He was still in his twenties, he couldn’t handle this all. He still had his career to dedicate his time to. He was an absent parent, Fay rarely reaching or looking for him when he was home. He loved his daughter more than life itself but he also loved football and his career was still important to him. He couldn’t be a martyr like Eric and give up his career to be a full time parent. He wasn’t ready to part with it, not just yet. There was so much left for him to want to accomplish. He wasn’t done being selfish and Dele vividly remembers telling Eric that during one of their many heated discussions about starting a family. Of course he was over the moon when they found out they were having Fay but reality has a funny way of creeping up on people in the worst of times. 

Dele could vaguely hear the bath water running upstairs, Eric’s voice traveling through the home. He was speaking to Fay in Portuguese, his voice calm and soothing. Dele would’ve been the opposite, he would’ve lashed out on the poor girl due to his frustrations. It was the first time all day he hadn’t heard his little girl crying her head off and it was all because of Eric and his perfect parenting. Once again the inadequacy started to seep in to Dele’s mind. They’d be better off without him, really. Eric could do it and handle it all by himself. Dele wasn’t needed, that was evident by Fay’s actions towards him. He wanted to cry but also stand up and run, forget the wash, forget that he was hardly wearing any clothes and just leave. He had no ties to Eric or Fay anyway. They were married, which could easily be dissolved and Fay wasn’t even biologically his, she was all Eric. He wouldn’t disappear, just move on. Finish is football career and blend into the rest of the world like most footballers did once they retired. 

“Del?”

Dele flinched at Eric’s call of his name. He hated having these feelings, especially when nothing called for them. “Laundry.”

Eric stuck in head in the room, he too was half dressed, at least he had both socks. “Everything okay?”

“We’re gonna need more soap soon,” Dele croaked out, his voice raw from aggravation and exhaustion. “If I do any more wash today.”

“I’ll put it on the list,” Eric told him shortly, nodding. 

“Baby good?” Dele asked, he couldn’t even say her name. Something inside him refused to let him do so. 

“Sleeping, finally,” he let out a sigh of relief. “The lavender in the water helped this time.”

“Good,” he replied, staring straight ahead at the machine as it spun around and around. “You should get some rest.”

“So should you,” Eric countered, he foot kicking at the floorboard. “We don’t know when the next round will hit.”

“I’m fine,” he said quickly, he stretched out his feet in front of him to just distract himself from the conversation. “The wash is almost done anyway, want to fold it and all.”

“Okay,” Eric replied slowly. “I have the monitor on just in case she wakes up again. Get me please if it doesn’t.”

Dele nodded his reply and watched out of the corner of his eye as Eric left the room. He could hear him walk up the stairs and into their bedroom. Dele was extremely exhausted but couldn’t bring himself to join his husband, too overwhelmed with everything he couldn’t put into words. Watching the wash spin was his only salvation at this point it seemed, it grounded him, kept him alert. What he really wanted at that time was a shower, a scolding hot one to burn at his skin and make him feel something, anything other than what he was feeling at that moment. He just continued to watch the wash, letting the spin cycle occupy his time. He may have dozed off for a few minutes because he didn’t even notice the laundry was finished and buzzing at him at a loud volume. He jumped up to retrieve the clothes and start folding them right away before they could wrinkle. He folded Fay’s clothes, pink dresses and pants, his and Eric’s mums doing. Socks and pants he couldn’t tell if they belonged to him or Eric, at this point it didn’t matter. He was just living on autopilot at this point. Wake, head to training, home, and repeat everyday. 

“This place looks disgusting.”

“Molly!” Dele shrieked at his sister’s voice. He dropped the shirt he was holding in the basket and looked at her with shock. “Wha-what are you doing here? How’d you get in?”

“Stopped by mum’s to grab the spare,” she answered with a shrug. “Do you not remember calling me two hours ago in almost hysterics?”

Dele paused to jog his memory, the minute Fay started to get sick he tried to call anyone and everyone he could think of. His sister was the only one who answered, besides their pediatrician. “Why are you here?”

“You’re welcome,” she bit back sarcastically. “I’m here to give you and Eric a reprieve. Archie’s with me, already in the game room playing. Craig’s got the other ones at home for some daddy bonding time.”

“We’re fine, Molls. Thanks anyway,” he waved her off and continued to fold. He was feeling anxious as he could feel his sister’s eyes on him as he folded. 

“Del,” she called to him softly, grabbing the shirt that was trembling in his hands. “Something is wrong and I’m not going to pry even though my protective side is begging me to. Eric’s upstairs sleeping as is Fay and you’re in your pants folding laundry.”

“Someone has to,” he replied, tugging the shirt from Molly’s hands. 

“Enough,” she barked, this time yanking the shirt from his hands and quickly folding it herself. “Go shower. I’m going to wake up Eric and you two are going out for dinner.”

“Molly-“

“I don’t care,” she told him. “I can take care of Fay. A little baby throw up isn’t going to deter me. Wait till she’s older and she gets sick, it’s much worse. Now go.”

“Molly-“

“I said go!” She repeated harshly, pointing to the door. 

Dele hung his head like a scolded child as he walked out the laundry room and across the hall to the guest bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror and checked out his reflection. He looked pale and could see the bags forming under his eyes. The season was always long and exhausting, especially towards the festive period games where they came thick and fast. He could usually conquer the tiredness and exhaustion in his bones with relaxing during days off, sleeping in when he could, eating right, stretching when necessary. Now he couldn’t, all his free time was dedicated solely to Fay and Eric and their family. No more sleeping in, even when Eric insisted he could. He felt bad if he did, guilty even. He turned the shower on to a scolding hot temperature before he stripped and got in, letting the water beat down on his head and back, trying to loosen up the knots in his spine. He didn’t realize how much tension he was carrying until he felt a temporary release. 

While Dele showered Molly crept upstairs. Cleaning up what she could as she made her way to the stairs. Folding blankets, picking up thrown toys, and disposing of takeaway containers that were lying around the living area. She laughed at the mess, reminding her of when she had small children at her home. She stuck her head into the game room to check on Archie, who was too busy to even notice his mum. Once up the stairs she made sure Fay was okay, she was sound asleep. Poor bub was so congested that she was snoring in her sleep. As long as she down and comfortable all was right in the world. She crossed the hall into the master bedroom where Eric was passed out, on his back, duvet pulled up to his neck. Molly shook her head at how pathetic her brother in law looked. He had the whole bed to himself yet he stayed on his designated side. She tried to nudge him awake but he didn’t budge, just groaned and rolled on his side. With a shake of her head, Molly walked around the bed and took one of Dele’s pillows. It was soft and firm, perfect to hit Eric in the head with to wake him. 

“Eric!” She called to him with a wack to his head. “Wake up, Dier!”

Eric groaned again and instinctively covered his head from the blow. He knew it wasn’t painful, just aggravating. 

“My brother’s a pain in the ass and you need to fix it,” she told him, hitting his hands this time. 

“Molly?” Eric mumbled sleepily. “What are you doing in my home? My bedroom?”

Molly placed Dele’s pillow back on the bed, patting it to fluff it back up. She sighed and quickly tied her hair up, exasperated. “Del called me that Fay was sick, figured you could use some expert help. Clearly I was right. This house is a disaster and so are you and Del.”

Eric sat up and tried to get his bearings. He scrubbed at his face roughly to wake himself up. “Thanks Molls, but we-we’re fine.”

“My brother is a mess,” she told him harshly. “Figure out why and fix it before he goes into himself and shuts everyone out. We can’t be losing our boy, got me?”

“Molly, I-I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it,” he sighed, defeated. 

“Shower,” she told him. “I made reservations for you two at Sammy’s in an hour. I’ll watch Fay. Go.”

Eric opened his mouth to protest but quickly shut it once he saw Molly’s face. She was serious and would not take no for an answer even though everything inside Eric was screaming at him to remain in bed and go back to sleep. He couldn’t, he couldn’t just throw in the towel and admit defeat. He stood up and went into the master bathroom to shower and get ready. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, or anyone really, that something was going on with Dele. It had started long ago and by reared its ugly head today. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. He knew he needed to get to the bottom of the situation and ultimately mend what was going on. He did as he was told and got ready, not even knowing of Dele did or was going to put up a fight himself. Eric figured that if he showed some initiative that maybe Dele would too. It was worth a shot. 

Half hour later, after a lot of begging and convincing from Molly, Eric was driving himself and Dele to Sammy’s for dinner. They said their goodbyes to Fay, who was still sound asleep, and set ground rules for Molly. They were to be notified the minute Fay woke up, not matter her condition. If things got worse, they’d be the second call after the pediatrician. Dele wasn’t fully engaged in the conversation, more so nodding along to everything Eric dictated to his sister in law. It didn’t dawn on Eric how out of it Dele was until he stared him straight in the face. He just always thought it was exhaustion, being a new parent, working a full time job. It would eventually take its toll on a person, but this, this was much more than that. The car ride was full of tension. It was silent, no one spoke and the radio was off. It was a short ride that felt like it would never end for both men. Eric staring straight ahead, only once glancing over at Dele who was occupied on his phone. They were seated at a semi secluded table in the back by the hostess and thanked her graciously. 

“You okay?” Eric tentatively asked, looking at Dele over his menu. 

Dele snorted at the question, feeling as if it were a loaded one. “Yep.”

Eric could see the wheels spinning in Dele’s mind, feel the tension between them. Dele was sitting low in his seat, hunched over the table, skimming the menu, not paying attention at all. He didn’t know how to approach the topic though. Molly’s words ringing in his ears, fix our boy. Something was going on inside Dele and it was the first time since they’d known each other that he wasn’t privy to it. Part of Eric assumed Dele didn’t even really know what was going on with himself either. The waitress took theirs orders and left with a smile, leaving them on their own once again. Now they didn’t have anything to distract themselves with once the menus were gone. Dele immediately went to his phone, tapping and swiping away mindlessly. 

“Talk to me,” Eric broke the silence with his plead. “Molly said something’s wrong and I-I didn’t notice until today. What’s going on in that head of yours, Delboy?”

Dele left out a heavy sigh as he locked his phone and placed it on the table. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know something’s wrong or you don’t know what’s wrong?” Eric asked tentatively. He took a sip of his water to help his rapidly drying mouth. 

“Both,” he shrugged. Dele found a loose string on his shirt and quickly distracted himself with it. Winding it around his finger, waited until the blood drained, and then unraveled it. Repeatedly doing that as he felt Eric’s eyes on him. He felt as if he was being interrogated even though Eric was being gentle and soft and not forcing him to speak until he wanted it. 

“Want to talk about it?” Eric asked softly. “Or just say something that can help me help you.”

“No,” Dele mumbled. 

“Okay,” Eric replied slowly. He wanted so badly to jump across the table and shake Dele, get him to open up, to speak. Eric knew though, that if anything were to progress it had to be on Dele’s time, he would talk when he was ready to. “Is it something I did?”

Dele snorted and smirked, shaking his head. “It’s not all about you, Dier.”

Eric sat back, defeated. He started to wrack his brain of anything and everything he may have done or not done to garner that response from Dele. He knew he wasn’t perfect, far from it, but he had no idea what he had done. “Then what is it?”

“You don’t need me,” he responded, softly. “You and Fay? Better off without me, honestly.”

“Del-“

“It’s true, Eric,” he quickly interrupted him. “Look at today for Christ’s sake! She calmed down once she knew daddy had her. Around me sh-she doesn’t even know me. I’m a stranger to her, uncle Del with the goofy hair who sings off key on the nights I make it home for bedtime.”

“That’s not true,” Eric firmly told him, sitting up straight in his chair. “You’re so important to this family. How can you not see that.”

“I’m not her father!” Dele exclaimed loudly. He didn’t even care if the other patrons heard him. His face finally showed emotion, emotion he didn’t want to share in public, but emotion nonetheless. 

“How can you say that?” Eric asked, his voice broken. “You’re her father as much as I am.”

“Am I?” Dele scoffed. “Look at her, Diet. She’s you! Blonde hair, blue eyes, a tried and true Dier. Apple of your eye, daddy’s little girl. Makes Louise and Jeremy the proudest grandparents in all of Europe. And I get what? I feel like her babysitter. Some sweet moments here and there when it fits my schedule.”

“No one asked you to not be around,” Eric spat back. “No one forced you to work full time and be a full time parent.”

“No one asked you to be a damn martyr!” Dele angrily countered. “I told you I wasn’t ready to start a family. I wasn’t ready to give up football.”

Eric groaned and rubbed at his face. Once again the football debate was brought up. They hardly argued, knew by now how not to push the others buttons and when to back away. When football entered a conversation, all bets were off. “And you didn’t. You still play, Del. You’re still the shining star of North London like you always wanted to be. No one creeping up in your shadows, the stage is yours and yours alone.”

“Don’t you dare throw that in my face,” Dele warned him, raising his finger to enunciate his point. 

“It’s true isn’t it,” Eric smugly replied. He opened his mouth to add to his statement when the waitress and serves came towards them hesitantly with their food. It was written all over their faces that their conversation was being heard throughout the restaurant. Eric thanked them graciously before they left as quick as they came.

Dele poked at his food, not remembering what he order or even if he was hungry. “I’m not happy. I think I haven’t been for a long time. Don’t know when or why or how it started but I just don’t feel myself.”

“Did I do something?” Eric asked tentatively. He knew it wasn’t about him, that he was just a spectator in the Dele show right now, but he wanted to help in any way he could. “Did I say something that triggered this unhappiness?”

“I just feel out of it,” he tried to describe his emotions. His body felt weird, odd. He felt itchy and hot and raw, like an open wound. “I can’t focus at home or work. Poch is trying to be understanding but I’m the captain and I’m lacking in my responsibilities. I’m being a shitty husband and I don’t think I’ve ever truly been Fay’s father.”

“Del, I-I wish I could help,” he told him weakly. “Make you realize that whatever you’re feeling is all in your head and not true. Not one ounce of it.”

“That’s the problem!” Dele shouted, slamming his hands on the table, shaking it. “It is all in my head! I don’t feel connected to this family that we’ve grown or this child that I literally watched be brought into this world. I feel...off.”

Eric pushed his food around his plate, letting the heaviness of Dele’s words just wash over them. He looked over at Dele who looked defeated as he tried to eat, the food looking like it felt foreign on his tongue. “I want to help you.”

“How can you?” Dele asked. “Hmm? When I don’t even know what’s wrong. I don’t feel like myself in my own skin. The last time I went felt like this I was going through puberty and at least I knew what was happening then. I-I don’t want to fuck this up more than I already am.”

“You’re not fucking anything up,” Eric was quick to assure him. He could feel the welling of tears prick behind his eyes. He did not want to cry. He needed to remain strong for the both of them. Showing any emotion at this exact moment could push everything over the edge. “This doesn’t work without you. We’ve been doing this for too long for you to quit on me now.”

“That’s the thing,” Dele began with a sigh, stabbing at his food as he spoke, “not once during this whole time did anyone think that maybe I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Eric’s head snapped up at Dele’s comment. He opened his mouth and closed it multiple times, words unable to leave his mouth, unable to form anything coherent. “You-you’re thinking of leaving?”

Dele shrugged as a response. He felt his chest tighten as he moved his shoulders. It was the first time he felt a weight lifting off his shoulders but also felt immense anxiety. He hadn’t been able to put his emotions in exact words but now that he could articulate what he felt, it was freeing. “I’m not the father Fay needs or the husband you deserve, so why not get out before it gets messy. You’ll be fine without me, sign the papers and you’re free. Free to have the family you’ve always wanted and frankly deserve. The mess that is my life won’t be in the way anymore.”

“You’re delusional,” Eric spat at him, clenching his fists under the table to keep his emotions in check. He will not falter, will not let Dele know how his words are slowly shredding him to pieces from the inside. 

“Maybe you are,” Dele told him matter of factly, with a smug look. “Maybe you’re holding onto something that hasn’t been working for a long, long time. I’m the realist here, Dier, not you.”

Dele’s words hung over their heads heavy. The dynamic between them shifted quickly from partners to complete strangers, years together quickly erased within a few minutes. Dele didn’t look like himself anymore and clearly wasn’t acting like it. Whatever was bothering him finally coming to light, unleashing on Eric and shocking then both. Eric felt like he’d been kicked repeatedly in the chest, the air in his lungs kicked out of him by the one person who made him feel like he could breath to being with. The food getting cold as their appetites quickly dwindled. The waitress graciously came by and handed them the check, knowing without words that their night was done. Feeling guilty and embarrassed, Eric left a comfortable tip for the inconvenience he knew they had caused the staff. The car ride home was even worse, Eric couldn’t take the silence anymore. He turned the radio on to block out the silence in the car and noise in his head. The buzzing just wouldn’t stop. Dele was on his phone trying to distract himself. 

“Where are you going to go?” Eric finally broke the silence with his question. 

“Molly’s,” he answered with a shrug, not looking up from his phone. “They’ve got a spare bedroom set up.”

“She okay with it?” He asked.

“Craig is,” Dele replied, typing away on his phone. “Molly doesn’t know yet.”

Eric snorted at the answer, typical. Impulsive, typical Dele. Never rational, never thinking ahead, only in the moment. He wasn’t going to vocalize his thoughts because he knew it’ll just open another can of worms and he wasn’t ready for another fight. He was barely hanging on as it is, trying to wrap his mind around the last hour of his life. A dinner that was supposed to be an escape from their hectic day turned into the thing that tore them apart. Eric couldn’t even imagine how his day was going to unfold when he woke up that morning. Was Dele looking for an escape this whole time and finally seized the opportunity the minute things were unsteady? There were so many questions left unanswered. Dele looked unphased by it all, like a burden had been lifted over his shoulders. He finally found his moment to run and he took it. As Eric drove down their driveway, towards the home, it dawned on him that his may well be the last time he’d see Dele alone. 

“I love you,” Eric told him. “Whatever happens between us, please know that. Please know that I’m not going anywhere. If you think you need a break, take it. But know when and if you decide to return, I’ll be here, always.”

Dele stuffed his phone in his pocket and looked over at Eric for the first time during the car ride. His hands were aching to reach out to Eric and console him. Even in the darkened car he could see his blue eyes were glassy and his face red. “I love you too, Eric. B-but this is about me, for me. This isn’t working anymore and I can’t stay somewhere that’s broken. We’ve been placing a plaster over a bullet hole for a long time.”

The home looked like they never left, except there wasn’t any clothes or dirty dishes scattered around the living area. Dele didn’t even stay around to check out the home, making his way up the stairs to the bedroom. He went into the walk in closet and took down his old knapsack that he hadn’t used in years. He opened up his drawers and gathered whatever clothes he thought he may need for an indefinite amount of time. He heard what he assumed was Eric’s footsteps outside, coming up the stairs and more than likely walking into Fay’s room. He heard voices across the hall as he walked into the master bathroom to collect his shower supplies and toothbrush and toothpaste. He did one last glance across the room making sure he gathered everything. With a satisfied nod he went back into the room to pack his training clothes and boots and whatever odds and ends he may need. 

“Dele Dier, are you out of your bloody mind!”

Dele winced at Molly’s scream. “Molls, let me explain.”

Molly took two steps closer to Dele and slapped him upside his head. “Explain what? That you’re leaving Eric and that beautiful little girl across the hall that needs you. And on top of that you’re inviting yourself into my home.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay,” he told her, his eyes looking over at her desperately. “Please.”

“So I’m supposed to let you throw away your life on my couch?” She asked with a scoff. 

“Your spare bedroom,” he answered smugly. 

Molly gasped at him, at the cockiness in his tone. He was acting like the teenager she met all those years ago. She threw her hands up in the air, her sign of defeat. “You’re so lucky you’re my favorite brother and I don’t care if you tell Harry that cause he knows that too.”

Minutes later Molly was sitting in the driver's seat of her car, Dele in the passenger seat, and Archie asleep in the back. She let out of a deep breath before turning on the car and staring at Dele for a moment. The minutes leading up to getting the car were tense. Dele has his knapsack and jacket thrown over his shoulders, sleeping on the shoes he had by the door. He didn’t even acknowledge Eric or Fay as he was preparing to leave. Molly scooped Archie in his arms as he slept in the game room. She wanted to say so much, force her brother and brother in law in a locked room to sort out whatever needed to be sorted out. She knew, though, that it was useless at this point. Dele’s mind was made up and there was no one who was going to change it. She said her solemn goodbye to Eric as he stood over Fay’s crib, softly speaking to her. It broke her heart, he looked confused and distraught. Molly gave him a quick reassuring hug, standing on tiptoes to kiss his forehead and remind him that he wasn’t alone and that she’d look after her younger brother. 

Nothing was said when they arrived at Molly’s home. Dele grabbed his belongings and made his way towards the spare bedroom. Craig greeted them at the door, taking Archie from Molly’s arms and putting him to bed. Molly checked on her two little ones, both tucked in bed and fast asleep. The home was quiet so she could hear Dele moving around the spare room clearly. Opening and closing the dresser drawers to put his things away. He left the room and walked to the bathroom as Molly still kept a watchful eye on him. She wasn’t going to poke and pry and make her brother speak but she knew he couldn’t keep everything inside. She worried about him, about Eric, about their family. Despite it still being early, Dele left the bathroom and went to the room to sleep, throwing a half hearted goodnight to anyone who could hear him. The door was closed behind him and Molly just stared at it, waiting, hoping it’ll open and her brother would either call to her or even change his mind and go back home. 

Molly tried to occupy herself around the home while everyone was asleep. She was exhausted herself, the events of the day taking its toll on her but she just couldn’t bring herself to go to sleep just yet. When the kids were all in bed that was the only time she had to herself, now with Dele around she was more reason to be cautious and alert at all times. She tried to busy herself with tidying up around the home and checking her phone, aimlessly scrolling through social media to numb her brain from the day she had. She kept her ear out for any noise coming from any bedroom from anyone who may need her. She was selfishly hoping her brother would call her to and realize he made a mistake and wanted to be brought home. Molly also knew her brother all too well, stubborn and stuck in his ways. No one could change his mind once he was made up. She hovered around the spare bedroom as she cleaned, deciding the hallway needed a good dusting and sweeping before she was content on how it looked. She was being obvious and she knew it, but didn’t care. Her baby brother was clearly in need somehow and she was going to make damn sure she was around to help. 

“Molls.”

Molly dropped the dust rag in her hand in a hurry and hesitantly opened the bedroom door. She walked into the darkened room and could barely see in front of her but she could hear the sniffles coming from Dele. “Babe, you okay?”

Dele shook his head even though he knew he couldn’t be seen clearly. “N-no.”

“Talk to me,” she coaxed him, sitting next to him on the bed and cradling his head, bringing him in for a close embrace. “What’s going on baby brother?”

“I don’t know,” he cried, his body shaking with sobs. “I’m just unhappy.”

“Why?” She asked, smoothing out his hair. “What’s got you so upset?”

“Nothing,” he sighed. “Everything. God, Molls, I’m such a mess.”

“You’re not a mess,” she quickly corrected him. “You’re allowed to have these feelings. Del, I wish I could help you. Is it something that happened? Did Eric do something?”

“Yes, no, I don’t know,” he blubbered. “My head’s all a mess. I’m not myself anymore, Molly. I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

“Is it because you’re overwhelmed?” She asked with a guess. “I felt the same way after Archie. Couldn’t connect with him or Craig even. Felt like my body wasn’t my own, couldn’t care less about myself or anything.”

Dele nodded into Molly’s chest at her words. “I-I feel the same. God, I love my husband and daughter but I can’t feel the love anymore.”

Molly smoothed out his hair once again as his sobs rocked their bodies. She hated seeing and feeling him so helpless and lost but she knew he was strong and so was she. “Del, what you’re feeling is so common for new parents.”

“It is?” He asked, his eyes looking up at her desperately, like she held all the answers to his problems in the palm of her hands. 

“Postpartum depression,” she told him delicately. “Ever heard of it?”

He hummed his response, blinking up at her, eyelashes stained with tears, face pale and gaunt. “Isn’t that common for mums?”

“Babe, anyone can feel depressed,” she firmly told him. “Even dads, especially dads in your circumstances. 

“I don’t feel depressed, just blah,” he tried to describe. He let Molly cradle him closer to her chest as she began running through everything she experienced after having her first child. How she didn’t feel like herself, didn’t want to do anything, personal or professional, but felt a ton of guilt when she didn’t do anything. How much she moved her son and husband but couldn’t feel any emotional connection even when the emotions were there. Dele just kept silently crying into her chest and nodding along as she rattled off her symptoms before she finally got help and treatment. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about it Molls?”

“There was such a stigma attached to mental illnesses, still is,” she guessed. “I didn’t want you or Harry fussing over me, mum or dad either. I spoke to people who could help and eventually I came out of it. I still struggle, especially after the twins were born, but I’m coping and it’s all manageable. I know I’m not alone and neither are you, Del.”

Dele looked up at Molly who looked so composed and patient, strong. Knowing that she silently dealt with something as serious as depression made him respect her that much more. He let out another sniffle as his tears were slowly dwindling. “Just don’t tell mum or Harry. Please, Molls.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” she reassured him, giving him a squeezing tight hug. “I’ve got you little bro.”

Dele woke up the next disoriented and feeling out of place. It took him a few minutes to realize where he was. He woke up past ten in the morning, later than usual for him. There wasn’t any training today and there wasn’t a baby laughing or crying in his ear. Once he realized that he wasn’t home but at Molly’s, reality started to settle in. The memories of the night before flooding in his now clear mind. A small part of him wanted to get up, wake Molly or Craig, and demand to be brought back home. Why though? What was that going to solve? He was still going to feel like he was currently feeling just in the place that made me feel that way. He could hear hushed voices speaking outside the area of the bedroom door and the faint sound of children’s feet running on the floorboard. Frankly, Dele didn’t know if he was ready to face the world just yet, see him family and witness their life outside a brief visit whenever he had the chance. His stomach started to growl and he knew he had to face the music, start his day. He checked his phone and was shocked to see not a single notification besides some random tags on Instagram and Twitter. Nothing from Eric and that made his stomach feel even more empty than it already felt. He eventually worked up the nerve to leave the room after getting changed and making his way to the bathroom across the hall to wash his face and brush his teeth. Maybe if he felt fresh the empty pit in his stomach that threatened to swallow him whole would dwindle.

When Dele finally emerged from his black hole of misery, luckily Molly and Craig let him be. They didn’t immediately pester him with questions or bother him all that much. He ate their leftover breakfast on the kitchen island as he scrolled through emails on his phone. He had the day off before training the next day for the upcoming weekend match against Liverpool at Anfield. It was always a tricky place to play but their side this season had been good thus far so Dele had hope. He ate his burnt cold toast and typed away on his phone, answering emails and even responding to texts he received over a week earlier. It tried to do anything that looked and felt normal to him. It was the first time in almost eight years that he wasn’t going to see or be near Eric. He had to wrap his mind around that but also focus on himself and his needs. He spent a majority of the day just passing the time in the room. He occasionally came out to play video games with Archie and even helped Molly feed and bathe the twins while Craig went to work. She never pressed him for answers or even a decision on what he was going to do for the future. It was good for Dele though, helped to occupy his mind and time when he needed it the most. He just needed to feel useful, like he wasn’t sitting around collecting dust. 

The next day things got a little better. Dele had a routine to stick with and he couldn’t veer off course, even though he wanted to. Woke up before the rest of the family, before the sun was even threatening to rise, showered, changed, and made his way towards training. Once there he had a strict schedule to stick by. Get to training, change, eat breakfast with the team, make small talk while half awake, and they all moved to where they were designated to go. Dele was in the weight room with some of the older players to work on their core for about an hour. A week before the mundane would’ve drove him up a wall, today though, today it was his salvation. No one was bothering him, all too busy with their own task at hand. Poch didn’t even speak to him much, spoke to the team as a whole rather than the individual. Dele did wonder if he’d be asked about Eric, about home, and if he’d crack under pressure. Would he blurt out that he had left his husband and child and now he was alone and lost and scared for his future? He couldn’t dwell on that, he had to focus and be the leader and figurehead of the club especially before an important match like the one coming up. 

His week started to blend together by Wednesday afternoon. He’d wake up, go to training, arrive back at Molly’s, eat with the family, help around the home, and retire to his room. It wasn’t at all as exciting as he expected it to be. He tried to keep his mind occupied during the hours he was awake, monopolizing Archie’s video games while he was at a friends house or sleeping. It just didn’t feel the same though, he was used to the interruptions that came along with playing. Eric calling him to ask about dinner or his day, Fay crawling around the room begging for attention, which he gladly gave her. He tried to keep his distance from Eric, never called or texted him, even when he desperately wanted to. At nights when he was bone tired and his mind was screaming at him to go home, he never caved. He would stay up and go through old photos on his camera or Instagram of them and their family. Memories playing back in his mind of the good times, the times when he felt alive, when he felt anything at all. 

It all started to change mid Thursday. Before every match Poch would show the previous year’s matches against their opponent. Last seasons games against Liverpool weren’t the best, only coming out with one point out of a possible six. That wasn’t what broke Dele, it as the first game that was shown. The midfield was him and Eric, it was Eric’s last season. Just seeing them being at ease on the pitch, so connected, insync with each other’s playing style. Dele didn’t realize he was crying until a hot tear fell onto the notepad he had resting on his lap. That’s when the floodgates opened, his emotions controlling him. Luckily he was sitting towards the back of the room because he jumped up and out the room before anyone noticed what was wrong. He sat down outside the room, bringing his knees to his chest. He was breathing heavy, almost hyperventilating. He didn’t know what he was feeling or why, but he knew he was finally feeling something. He tried to choke back the sobs, not wanting to draw any attention to himself. It was useless though, the captain of the team abruptly leaving the room would cause anyone to take notice. 

“Dele?”

Dele’s head shot up at the call of his name. He couldn’t see it but he just knew his eyes were bloodshot. The team doctor, Stephan, was standing in front of him. “He-hey Dr. S.”

Stephan crouched in front of him and placed a hand on his knee. “You okay, son?”

“Been better,” he answered truthfully with a small laugh. “Sorry about leaving. I’ll apologize properly to Pochettino when the meeting is done.”

“I don’t care about that,” he waved off Dele’s apology with a scoff. “I care about you.”

“A lot of people have been saying that lately,” he lowly confessed. “I’m okay, though.”

“You know about my open door policy,” he gently reminded Dele. “Goes for all time of health, son.”

Dele sighed and scrubbed roughly at his face. He didn’t want to carry this weight on his chest. Molly’s diagnosis weighing heavy on his mind and as much as he loved his sister, she wasn’t a professional. “I left Eric.”

The doctor tried not to gawk at Dele’s admission but it was clear by his facial expression he was shocked. “And the baby?”

“With Eric,” he replied. “I-I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t feel good.”

“Physically?” The doctor slowly asked. 

Dele tapped at his head. “Mentally, emotionally. Overwhelmed all the time, can’t concentrate, can’t focus. Can’t feel anything. My sister she umm she said it may be postpartum.”

“Possible,” he replied. “From what I see, it’s highly likely.”

“B-but isn’t that more common for mums,” Dele questioned. “Last time I checked, I didn’t give birth to Fay.”

“Dad’s can feel it too,” he told him softly, treading lightly into the topic. He stood up and offered his hand so Dele could do the same. When Dele stood up, Dr. Stephan wrapped his arm around his waist and gently guided him towards his office. “You have a lot on your plate. A full time schedule at work and home. A new baby takes a lot out of person.”

“I feel nothing,” Dele sighed once inside the doctor’s office, throwing himself on the plush leather chair. “I can feel my love for Fay but I can’t feel my love for her. God, I making absolutely no sense, I’m sorry.”

Stephan moved around his desk to sit in his own chair opposite Dele. “You make sense, don’t worry about it. What you’re feeling is very common among new parents. I can’t officially diagnose you, but I recommend someone who can. Ultimately the decision is up to you.”

“I-I’d like that,” he told him timidly, letting out a sigh of relief. “I want to go back to my family but I need to be better first.”

Dr. Stephan let Dele spend as much time as he needed in the office that day. He just stayed there and decompressed, let his mind settle for what felt like the first time in months. He took the business card that was handed to him and flipped it around his fingers, memorizing the number instantly. This could be the one person who could help him, place him back on the right track after not even realizing he fell off. He knew it was going to be a slow and steady progress but taking one step forward was better than taking two steps back. Around lunch he was finally comfortable enough to go back to rejoin the team activities. He immediately apologized to Pochettino who just nodded his head and patted his cheek in understanding. The rest of the day was better than he expected, he was able to actually concentrate without his mind feeling heavy and foggy by the end of the day. He was able to enjoy training for the first time all season, and the season was halfway through. There was a lot Dele realized he missed doing now that he had some clarity. Things as mundane as eating in the canteen with the other players, getting served an extra helping of asparagus from the cook because she knew he loved them. He felt his insides warm up at the kind gesture. Dele even oddly enjoyed doing his core workout that he hates doing his entire career but the other guys cheering him on made him smile and work harder. 

Once they were dismissed around four that afternoon Dele sat in his car and pulled out the business card Dr. Stephan has given him. He took out his phone and occupied his time for a bit. He was still shocked that he hadn’t heard from Eric, no texts, no calls, he hadn’t even casually posted anything on social media. He was aching for something, anything. He wanted to know his husband and daughter were okay, wanted to see their faces, faces he feared he’d forget with distance and time away. He eventually bit the bullet and called the number on the card, his palms sweaty and shaking with nerves. As the phone rang he grew more and more nervous, anxiety blooming in his chest. He rarely felt nervous off the pitch so this was a totally new experience for Dele, confident and calm Dele. When the line was eventually picked up by Dr. Miles, he was able to finally breathe. The doctor was expecting his phone call, just never realized it would be so soon and while Dele was still in the car park. They spoke for what felt like a lifetime, an over the phone therapy session. Once he started living with the Hickfords as a kid he was asked if he wanted to see someone, to discuss in private everything that was happening and has happened in his life, Dele flat out refused. He always thought showing emotions was a weakness, that he was admitting defeat. Luckily, once he grew older he could see how unhealthy it was to bottle everything up. Dr. Miles just let him ramble on and on about anything and everything, Dele felt secure and comfortable confiding in a total stranger. 

He drove back to Molly’s as the sun was already set, making sure to park the car carefully in its designated spot. God forbid he drove over the speed limit in Molly’s brand new car. He couldn’t blame her though, she was gracious enough to let him borrow her car while he crashed at her place. He knew how lucky he was to have a sister as caring and patience as Molly had been for the past few days. She never pressed the subject, never pressured him to talk or leave, just let him be. He was greeted with giggles from the twins as he entered the home, he could see them sitting in their high chairs, legs kicking in excitement at whatever Molly was doing. He said his quick hello before going into his room to dump his things and change. He emerged half hour later and stopped passed the game room to see Craig and Archie playing video games. He didn’t say anything just observed before heading back into the kitchen. He sat on the stool by the kitchen island and scrolled through his phone as Molly fed the twins, like a well oiled machine. Feed one while the other’s face was being cleaned and going back and forth until all their food was done. Watching his sister made him crave for that again, the mundane activity of feeding your child. 

“Alright, Del?” Molly finally asked after finishing the feeding and washing the bowl of food. 

“Today was good,” he smiled, locking his phone and putting it down. “Had a breakthrough.”

“Oh?” She quipped, pulling out the stool next to Dele to give him her full attention. “Do tell.”

“Spoke to Dr. Miles who’s the go to therapist for athletes, cool guy,” he explained. “That’s why I’m back late form training. I called and he just let me talk and talk. I didn’t know I was holding so many things inside until he just let me go.”

“That’s amazing,” she replied sincerely, her smile wide. “You know I’m an advocate for therapy and talking through things.”

“Dr. Miles didn’t find it odd that Eric hasn’t reached out to me,” Dele sighed, looking over at his phone like he was kind of hoping that would trigger something. 

Molly bit her lip and looked behind her brother at the twins who were playing with toys, still sitting in their high chairs. 

“Molls.”

“What!” She exclaimed. “I said nothing!”

“The look,” he explained. “Why do you have that look?”

“I do not have a look, Del,” she squeaked out, still biting her lip. 

“Bullshit,” he spat out, flinching when he heard one of the twins giggling, not remembering they were still in the room. “Sorry Molls. But seriously, have you been talking to Eric?”

“I may have texted him,” she admitted sheepishly. Dele opened his mouth to say something but Molly raised her hand quickly to silence him. “I know what you’re going to say but I did it for myself, Del. I needed to know if he was okay, if Fay was alright.”

“And?”

“He’s miserable,” she told him. “Hasn’t slept in your room since you left, he’s been in the nursery every night sleeping on the rocking chair. I know you don’t want anyone to take pity on him but you left him high and dry, baby brother, and he’s hurting, too.”

Dele rubbed at his face, Molly giving him a hard pill to swallow. He was doing fine, not perfect, but fun without knowing what Eric was up to. He didn’t want him to feel miserable. A selfish part of Dele hoped Eric would get along just fine without him, keeping living life, carrying on as if nothing happened. 

“Go home,” Molly urged him softly, reaching for his hand to give it a squeeze. “You can’t work through your problems if you don’t face them head on. Let Eric know that he did nothing wrong because that’s what he thinks. He thinks you left him because he did something irreversible and it’s not my place to tell him what’s going on. He’s worried about you, Del. We all are.”

Dele tried to stay focused, not get distracted by what was going on in his personal life. Yes he wanted to contact Eric, and yes he was craving to go home, but he knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. He carried on the same as before on Friday during their last training session before the match against Liverpool the next day. Pochettino showed them Liverpool’s match from the week earlier, trying to map out their weaknesses and isolate certain players who seemed vulnerable on the ball. Dele was excited to see Trent try to stop him, a game of youth versus experience. Molly’s words did echo in his mind as they traveled up to Liverpool after training. Long traveling always made Dele nostalgic for seasons past, sitting next to Eric on the coach or plane, playing games to pass the time, sharing headphones while listening to music or whatever audiobook that Eric fancied at the time. Eric did anything to pacify him, make him happy when he got cabin fever from being stuck in one place for too long. Now he sat alone when they travelled, the boys leaving their captain alone knowing he needed to stay focused on the task ahead of them. 

“You alright, Del?” Dr. Stephan asked, sitting in the empty seat next to him. 

Dele removed his earbud and nodded. “Better than yesterday. Spoke to the doctor you recommended, thanks.”

“I’m glad,” he told him sincerely with a smile and a pat to Dele’s back. “Keep speaking to him. Even if you think it’s a silly issue, sometimes speaking about it will help in the long run. I don’t want to see any of my players down, especially the ones I’ve known for so long like you, Dele.”

“I’ll remember that,” he replied, returning the doctor’s smile. “Thanks.”

Liverpool was always a mysterious city for Dele. He can’t even count how many times in his career he played up north and was always shocked by the weather. He also always hated how they conveniently played in Anfield during the winter months when it was either pouring rain or a snow storm. He didn’t know how the players did it day in and day out, probably got use to it halfway through the season. Nevertheless, it was always a battle when they played, fighting hard and fast on the sacred ground. He, along with the rest of the team, settled into their hotel to gear up for the next day. They all ate dinner as a group, Dele giving the pre match pep talk he gave before every away match. He tried to rally the group, remind them that the matches were coming thick and fast but if they stayed focused they could go back to London Saturday night with the three points and bridge the gap between them and their north London rivals, Arsenal. Dele thrived in his leadership position, usually. Today his heart wasn’t in it, couldn’t even motivate himself because he was reminded so much of Eric as he stood and spoke. He didn’t let anyone else see it, couldn’t be the reason why morale with the team was low before an important match. He put a smile on his face and kept going, using the most cliche of speeches to keep everyone motivated and focused. 

The mornings of match days always went very similarly. If it was a mid afternoon match, things went a little differently and same with home matches. Away matches that took place in the early evening had a very tight and specific routine, at least for Dele. Wake up at a respectable hour, shower, grab a hearty breakfast, usually at the hotel restaurant, and then try and relax and focus before getting on the coach and heading to the stadium. Instead of eating at the restaurant today Dele opted for a meal in his room while he watched the match on the television, Arsenal versus Everton. He was doing it for two reasons, one to occupy his mind instead of the usual static that ran through it, and two to check on the league leaders. He couldn’t shake the gnawing feeling in his head after he ate and watched the match. He had at least an hour before they headed to Anfeild and Dele needed to do something to center himself. He’d usually call Eric at a time like this, let him distract him and give him a pep talk about how brilliant he’d be and how he’d inevitably score a hat trick of hat tricks. It was silly, but was exactly what Dele needed to calm his nerves. Instead he called Dr. Miles, if anyone was going to give him brutal honesty it would be him. Dele knew the session would be short but it was a welcomed distraction. Just let his emotions out freely without any judgement was exactly what he needed. He spoke about everything and nothing at all, the match, the weather, the lack of sleep he’d been getting without Eric by his side. The emptiness in his chest from not hearing Fay’s giggles as they fed or bathed her. He missed all that and wanted it back. Dele just didn’t know if he was ready yet. 

“You don’t have to rush into things right away,” the doctor told him. “Take your time, baby steps.”

Dele sighed at the doctor’s words. “I miss my family, doc, but I’m scared if I go back I’ll go right back to where I was. I’m not better but I do feel more comfortable.”

“Keep that momentum up,” he reminded him. “I’m always available, I told you that. If you ever feel overwhelmed, I am here to talk about it. Play your match first. Conquer the obstacles you can and worry about everything else later.”

The weather was harsh and the wind was howling when the team loaded the coach, everyone keeping to themselves for the most part like most prematches. Dele sat in his designated back of the coach seat, away from everyone else. He wasn’t ignoring his teammates, just needed to gather his thoughts and focus, all eyes were on him. The short ride to Anfield was done in relative silence. Pochettino talking to some of his assistants in a hushed Spanish whisper to not disturb his players. They were talking mostly about tactics and finalizing the starting eleven. Dele was a shoe in, proudly wearing the captains armband he wore since Lloris and Kane left the squad a year earlier, same year as Eric. They won a league with Tottenham and wanted to branch out towards the end of their careers. Both World Cup and league winners, both still on top of their game. Now Dele wore the armband proudly, now being a member of the squad for ten years, going through so many ups and downs and emotions. The coach pulled up to Anfield and fans were outside waiting, hoping to either get a photograph or an autograph. Dele was gracious when he got off, headphones still in his ears though. The thumping of the bass of the music drowning out his thoughts that didn’t revolve around the match. He couldn’t focus on Eric and Fay, not now at least. Now he needed to zone in on Liverpool and Liverpool only. 

Hearing the Liverpool fans sing You’ll Never Walk Alone always gave Dele chill, even though he played for the opposing team. It was one of the things he looked forward to each time he made her trip up north. The passion from the fans, the noise of the crowd always hyped him up. Even though a lot of the fans were booing him and against anything he did, their energy was palpable and Dele fed off that each and every time. He scanned the crowd, picking out people and faces to focus on to calm his rapidly beating heart. A sea of red is all he saw as Liverpool players walked passed them in greeting. He met the referees in the center for formalities along with the Liverpool captain, Trent. It was always good to see Trent, always smiling and excited, ready all the time. 

“Alright, Del?” He greeted him as the referees went over the typical pre match rules.

“Alright, Trent,” he nodded in return.

“Congrats on the little one,” Trent told him as they embraced in a brief hug. “Send my best to Dier, too.”

Dele froze at Trent’s well wishes. From the outside looking in his life was still picture perfect. No one knew that turmoil behind the scenes. No one saw the way Dele was experiencing a whirlwind of emotions due to that life. He smiled at Trent kindly before taking his spot with the rest of the team. He had to focus on the task at hand and not let Trent’s words rattle him. He had to push all those thoughts of Eric and Fay out of his mind, for now. When the starting whistle blew everything for Dele went on autopilot. Making his runs down the side, defending when Liverpool had possession, making space in the box for their striker. Everything was second nature once he was in match mode. It was a grueling forty five minutes, Trent on him at every turn. Pochettino tried to motivate and go over tactics during halftime, letting everyone know how this game could be won in their favor. Left alone to think made Dele’s brain itch, he couldn’t focus on the speech or his teammates around him talking. His mind began to wander to his life back in London, to Eric and Fay. Were they watching? Did Eric dress her in her custom made Tottenham shirt with Poppa on the back like he did for all matches. Before he could even shake the thoughts out of his mind he was back on the pitch and the second half whistle was being blown. Like before he was making his runs in and out of the box, sweat dripping from his brow. He was exhausted by the seventy fifth minute. 

He could see Pochettino out of the corner of his eye trying to get his attention, giving him tactical advice. The game was deadlocked, no one able to put the ball in the back of the net. The defense was too good or the offense was too sloppy in the final third. Frustration was setting in and panic was setting in for everyone. It always was a pleasure beating another top team, especially on their home turf but nothing was sticking, nothing seemed to be working. The board came up and indicated an addition five minutes of added time and Dele could feel himself slump a little as one of the midfielders lost possession. He ran behind Trent as he dribbled the ball up the right side looking for someone close to the box to pass it to. Instinct took over from there, block the pass and gain possession. Something he could do in his sleep by now but he also knew who we was up against, played with and against Trent more times than he could count. Lifted trophies with Trent by his side, Eric took. Dele shook that thought out of his mind. This wasn’t the time or the place to reminisce. The final seconds blew by in a blur of blue and red, the whistle blowing leaving all twenty two men on the pitch exhausted. No one was able to break the deadlock despite all the chances created by both sides. Taking a point back to London was better than dropping all three was how Dele was going to look at it. He shook the hands of the referees and patted his own players on the back to encourage them. He shook hands with the Liverpool players as well and made a beeline to Trent. 

“Good game,” Dele greeted him, slapping his hand. He ripped his shirt off his head and offered it to Trent who did the game. 

“Yeah, same,” Trent said. “You good, Del?”

Dele nodded and threw the shirt over his shoulder. “I’m good. You?”

“You didn’t seem yourself out there is all,” Trent added as softly and gingerly as possible. “Got a knock or something?”

“I’m good, Trent,” he stressed. “Have a good rest of the season. Hopefully you’ll catch up to us in points.”

Trent smiled and playfully pushed Dele. “Ok mister big shot. You and Eric should come up here sometime with the baby. Me mum would love to meet her.”

Dele curtly nodded his head, his jaw tightening. “I’ll see you around, mate.”

“Take care, Del,” Trent replied, patting Dele’s back as he departed. 

Dele went back into the changing room just in time for give post match debriefing from Pochettino. He started to undress, pulling down his socks and taking off his shin guards, ripping off the tape with a wince. He instinctively went to take the tape off his left ring finger and paused as he looked down. He hadn’t taped his finger. Since the moment he and Eric got engaged he had wrapped his finger when he trained and played. He took it off during his first night at Molly’s and placed it in his bag, wanting to see how it felt without it. For the most part he hadn’t noticed it was gone, used to it being on his finger by now. But to forget to it to tape his finger before the match didn’t sit well for Dele. His stomach felt empty and his heart dropped. Was Eric going to see it if he watched the match? Did he think that was going to be a sign from Dele that he truly wanted to end things? He stood up and rummaged through his bag and got his wedding ring and slipped it on his finger, feeling a little bit of his anxiety dissipating at the feel of the metal on his skin. He remained standing, his stocks still rolled down, boots still on, still shirtless. He pulled his phone out and checked his messages. A few well wishes from friends and family before the match, usual. Nothing from Eric. Not a single thing. He was always so dependable on match day and now he was nowhere to be found. 

“I gotta go.”

“Excuse me?” Ryan, the player sat next to Dele asked. 

Dele looked down at Ryan and shook his head. “Sorry. I uh, I’ve gotta go home.”

“We’re heading back to the hotel in about twenty minutes,” Ryan told him. 

“No,” he said sharply. “To London. I-I’ve gotta go.”

“Del-“

Dele ignored his name being called as he pulled out his change of clothes and quickly changed while his teammates went towards the showers or changed themselves. He had tunnel vision and he only saw going back to London as his way out. He packed his bag with everything he needed. He texted people he needed to text to make sure he was able to get back to London that night, spending more money than he would’ve liked but right now it didn’t matter. He needed to be home and be back with his family. He knew Pochettino wasn’t going to be pleased, arrive as a team and they leave as a team. Right now the team was the furthest thing from his mind. Dele gathered his belongings and without looking back headed toward the exit and out of Anfield. He had a car called to pick him up and take him to the airport where a private plane was waiting for him. Dele hated throwing around his name and celebrity status, but at times like this he didn’t mind using it. The car arrived a few minutes after he left the building and he was on his way to the John Lennon airport. The post match traffic didn’t help the anxious feeling in his gut. He was contemplating calling Eric and letting him know he was coming home, coming back to him and Fay. He was scared, scared that Eric wouldn’t pick up and if he did he would tell him that he made his decision to leave and he should stay gone. He felt himself begin to sweat, beginning to worry more than he had in the past week. 

The flight was torturous for Dele. He knew he had to be grateful for pilots and everyone involved in getting him off the ground almost an hour after the final whistle was blown. Right now he’d probably be back in the hotel having a late dinner with the team and going over what went wrong and right during the match. As much as his anxiety was telling him to run and abort mission, he much rather be on the plane heading back to London. He tried to rest, his body exhausted from the long day, but every time he closed his eyes he was overcome with emotion. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He felt foolish, hopping on a private plane to take him back to London and face the uncertainty that lay ahead of him. He was hoping that once he got home that everything would run smoothly, that Eric would forgive him and they could be a family again. He was being an optimist when he should be a realist. By the time they touched down the sun was already setting, the sky a beautiful dark blue with a hint of orange and pink. Dele could feel the anxiety building in his chest once more as he got off the plane and into the waiting car to take him home. He swallowed it down, trying to suppress it and chalk it up to just being nervous. He texted Molly to let her know what was happening, Dele felt like if anyone was allowed to be privy to his madness, it was his older sister. He didn’t expect a reply so he put his phone in his pocket and just sat back in the car and let the driver take him home. 

“Thanks,” he said to the driver about a half hour later once they arrived in front of his gated home. He hopped out of the vehicle and grabbed his bag, tightly gripping the strap in his hand. 

The car took off moments later and left Dele to stand in front of the gate alone. He just stared up at the house, his heart in his throat. All the lights were off from what he could see. His phone was telling him that it was well past eleven, Eric and Fay probably both fast asleep. He saw his car still in the spot he left it almost a week ago and for a brief moment he felt a sense of normalcy again. He’d been in this position before. Coming home late after a match, his family waiting for him inside their home, fast asleep after a long day. Dele would walk through the front door and go straight to Fay’s nursery to check on her before getting into bed with his husband and cuddling up behind him. Feeling at home. Now he didn’t know what he is coming home to. Didn’t know if he’d be greeted the same way as he was so many times before. Dele scrubbed at his face harshly as he took a deep breath to calm himself. He had to face the music and had to do it now before he lost all his nerve. He unlocked the gate and closed it behind him before walking ten feet up the pathway to the front door, unlocking that as well. He punched in the security code before any alarms rang out and slipped off his shoes, placing his bag in the foyer. He felt a sudden calmness wash over him as soon as he walked further into the house. Whatever was bothering him didn’t exist anymore. All the crazy ideas running through his mind the past week had disappeared. He knew it wasn’t true but he did feel different than the last time he had been in this house. Dele knew he was a work in progress but he rather work on himself surrounded by his loved ones than being alone to suffer. 

He took the stairs two at a time, a wave of adrenaline coursing through him. He wanted to see his family and start a new chapter of their lives as soon as possible. He stopped in gen bathroom to splash water on his face to wake himself up. He looked at himself and gave himself a quick peptalk, giving himself the courage to get his family back. He walked out of the room and crossed the hall to his bedroom expecting to see Eric tucked under the covers and fast asleep, but when he walked into the room he saw nothing. The bed didn’t even look like it had been slept in at all. A fresh wave of panic hit Dele hard, where was Eric? Was the house quiet because he took Fay and left for good? Did he take her to Portugal to be with his family and start a new life without Dele like he had requested irrationally almost a week ago? He left the room in a hurry and walked across the hall to where Fay’s nursery was. The door was left open ajar and Dele tried to open it quietly. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Eric asleep in the rocking chair and Fay sleeping soundly in her crib. It was then that he remembered his earlier conversation with Molly about Eric no longer sleeping in his room while he was gone. Dele didn’t know she was being serious, just taking the piss. Now that he was faced with the truth it hurt even more to see it. 

“Diet,” Dele called to him softly, crouching down in front of him. He gently placed a hand on Eric’s nape to secure his neck. “Baby, I’m home.”

Eric stirred at the call of his name. He opened and closed his eyes rapidly to adjust to the soft light coming into the room from the hall. “Del?”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling wide. “I’m home, love.”

“What are you doing here?” Eric asked, his face scrunched up in confusion. “I-I thought you were done.”

Dele shook his head, the hand on Eric’s neck scratching at his nape. “I couldn’t leave you, not forever. Never.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” He countered, taken aback at Eric’s hesitation. “Can we go outside and talk?”

Eric groaned as he stood up and stretched, his back cracking. He gently took Dele’s hand off his neck before checking quickly in Fay to make sure she was okay before following Dele out the room and into their bedroom. “You want to talk? Talk.”

“Why are you acting like this?” Dele asked as he sat on the foot of the bed, Eric next to him. “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”

“I am,” Eric quickly assured him. “Just shocked. Why? Why now? What changed that made you come back home?”

“I’ve talked to a few people,” Dele explained. “Figured a few things out. You never did anything wrong, Eric. Not ever, not once. It’s been all me, in my head the entire time.”

“Who did you talk to?” Eric asked. 

“Molly for starters. Then Dr. Stephan who recommended a therapist, Dr. Miles,” he told him. “I’ve spoken to him twice now. It’s really helping me. Helping me sort my thoughts out, I’ve been talking about everything. From my childhood to my inability to shake the thoughts of abandonment I have.”

“I’d never abandon you,” Eric was quick to quell his anxiety. “You wanted to leave. You wanted to abandon us, Del.”

“I was overwhelmed,” he admitted with a sigh. “You’ve done this whole marriage and fatherhood thing effortlessly and I felt like I was drowning just trying to keep up with you.”

“This isn’t a competition,” he said, reaching over and grabbing Dele’s hand. “No one’s going to win or lose. We learn and grow during this process, together.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I’m learning to accept that. Dr. Miles thinks I may have postpartum anxiety and depression which I didn’t know could happen. But-but I’m working on it, Dier. I swear I am. I want to get better for you, for us, for myself.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Eric told him firmly. “I’d never leave. You don’t have to worry about that. Things get hard, yeah, that’s life with a child. But please don’t ever worry if I’m going to leave. You work on yourself, Delboy. I’ll still be here.”

Dele let out a sigh of relief and moved himself closer to Eric, resting his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist, bringing him in closer. “Thank you.”

Eric took his left arm and rested it around Dele’s shoulders. “Don’t thank me. I need you to be healthy and happy for this to work. It’ll be a progress but I’m more than willing to join the ride.”

“I love you,” he said into Eric’s shoulder. 

“Love you,” he said back to him. He removed his arm and put his thumb under Dele’s chin to lift his head up so they were looking at each other. “Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, talk to me. Let me know. You scared me, love. Fay missed her Poppa so much and so did I.”

Dele didn’t know what to say. He felt the burden being lifted off his shoulders and left the tightness in chest loosen. He could breathe again. He looked into Eric’s blue eyes and felt at peace, at home. He bit his lip before bridging the gap between the two of them to kiss Eric. He sighed against his lips, his hand going to the nape of Eric’s neck once again. Eric gripped the hem of Dele’s shirt, his fingers twitching against his skin. They were so consumed with each other, getting lost in each other’s touches and kisses. 

“We’ve gotta go to bed,” Eric gasped as he reluctantly stopped the kissing. “Come on love, scoot up.”

Dele removed his shirt and joggers so he was just in his pants and moved up the bed, Eric right behind him. “Hold me.”

“Of course,” Eric told him. He positioned himself so he spooned behind Dele, instinctively wrapping their legs together and throwing his arm over Dele’s chest, intertwining their fingers. “Welcome home, babe.”

“I’m home,” he said, his voice soft and calm, bringing Eric’s hand up and kissing his knuckles.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes paces roughly a month before the previous chapter. Once again it’s unedited and once again I got a little carried away. Please be kind. 💕

Eric loved celebrating the holidays, that wasn’t a secret to anyone. Halloween? He went all out, decorating the house and dressing up, warmly welcoming kids to their home during trick or treating. If he wasn’t home he leave a bowl of candy by the front door with a sign letting the children know they were free to grab whatever they wanted. He got the festive spirit from his mum. She too loved to celebrate any and all holidays and special occasions, especially after they moved to Portugal. She wanted to make the home feel as English as possible, decorating the home for every English and international holiday. She was big on Christmas, always going over the top. Watching his mum and helping her when he was younger, the festive spirit rubbed off on Eric. Once he moved back to England and signed with Tottenham, Eric tried to bring a sense of Portugal and home to his little decorations. He would call him mum and ask for advice for what to do. He was hardly home but when he was, he wanted to feel some sort of normalcy, especially during Christmas time. Matches during Boxing Day and training on Christmas Eve and Day put a damper on his plans for close to ten years. Christmas dinner usually consisted of a stop at Nandos for a quick fix before sleeping the rest of the day away. 

Even once he and Dele moved forward with their relationship and moved in together, they couldn’t properly celebrate the holidays. All plans were either postponed or cancelled before they were even made. Quick exchange of gifts on Christmas Day before driving to training. Even when they were dismissed early they just went home to recover for the next days inevitable hard match and the two right after. The festive period was never kind to its players, especially a newfound family like Eric and Dele. Luckily they saw each other day in and day out so they still were able to have some semblance of normalcy. Eric still made a show of the home, decorating like his mum had taught him, like he had watched her all those years as he was growing up. A tree that was so large and real that you had to pray it fit in the front door. Indoor and outdoor lights hanging everywhere, letting the neighbors know they meant business. Tons of tinsel and holly around the staircases and fireplaces, adding a real holiday feel to the home. While Eric was still playing it was a daunting and tiring task to complete and fit in between his busy schedule, but he did it nonetheless. His mother was able to do it while working full time and raising all her kids, so Eric used that as his motivation every year. 

This year was different though, their family had grown by one over the summer. This was Fay’s first Christmas. All the plans to decorate the house was the same but the real tree was exchanged for a faux one and the tinsel and holly were also fake. Eric took extra precautions to make sure their little one wasn’t exposed to anything that would be harmful to her. Dele just pacified him like he usually did when Eric got into one of his holiday tangents and just agreed with everything he suggested, like a dutiful husband. Dele himself was overwhelmed, the festive fixtures a top priority on top of his family obligations. Eric would rattle off an idea about something and Dele would wholeheartedly agree, even though he had no idea what he was talking about. He trusted Eric and his ideas were never over the top and always tasteful so he was okay with just agreeing to everything. They were trying to coordinate their schedules so they could hopefully have a proper celebration on Christmas Day. 

“We have a morning match against Palace at home,” Dele told Eric as he looked over his schedule. Towards mid December matches started to blur together and Dele rarely remembered who they were playing until the week of the match. “We can do dinner and gift exchange the night before, yeah?”

Eric scrolled through his phone, looking at dates and times and whatever else he was looking at. “Mum and Dad are flying in the on the twenty third so maybe we can do dinner with them on Christmas Eve. Invite Sally and Alan.”

“They do Christmas Eve at Molly’s,” Dele told him. “And I have training all day.”

“I want Christmas Day to be just us,” Eric said. “After you get home from training, just us three.”

Dele nodded his head in agreement. “You know Pochettino lets us out early. I can be home by noon and we can proper celebrate after the little one’s nap.”

Eric locked his phone and placed it on the bedside table, moving to look at Dele. “What are we getting her for Christmas?”

“I’m just going to stop by Hamleys and pick up whatever the hottest toys are,” Dele said with a shrug. “She’s only five months, Diet. It’s hard to get her something she’ll enjoy.”

“It has to be memorable,” Eric whined. “It’s her first Christmas, Del.”

Dele softly scoffed and shook his head, moving his arm to scratch the back of Eric’s head warmly. “Do you remember your first Christmas, babe? Hmm? It’s a memory for us, not her.”

“Still,” he pouted, he kissed the inside of Dele’s elbow. “It’s important to me.”

“I know,” he replied softly. “This house already looks amazing and the day will be the same but please do not go overboard on something that only you and I will remember five years from now. Okay?”

Eric pouted again, sticking out his bottom lip for good measure. “Fine. I’ll just go overboard on your gift then.”

“Wait what?” Dele asked, a little frazzled. “We-we’re exchanging gifts?”

“We always do,” Eric said matter-of-factly. “Do you not want to exchange gifts this year?”

“I do,” he was quick to answer. “Just need to start brainstorming now is all.”

“With a week left,” Eric playfully scoffed. “Good luck.”

Dele raised his eyebrows at the challenge. He knew Eric was joking but it was just the nature of their relationship. Someone would challenge the other, either purposely or accidentally, and the other would always try to outdo the other. Had been that way since they met almost ten years ago. Dele’s mind was working overtime thinking of something when a small lightbulb went off. He smirked to himself as he straddled Eric’s hips. 

“What are you doing?” Eric asked, his hands automatically going to Dele’s hips to stabilize him. 

“Happy Christmas, Diet,” he whispered, slowly circling his hips. They both gasped at the sensation.

“Cheater,” Eric gasped as Dele circled his hips once more, this time with Eric’s guidance. He gripped a little bit tighter as he tried to still his hips from bucking up. He could sense that his husband wanted to be in control and he was trying desperately to let him. “Del-Del.”

“Hmm?” He asked as his hips kept moving painfully slow, his hands moving to Eric’s shoulders to anchor himself. 

“Move,” he begged roughly. He groaned at the uptick in Dele’s movements, tension coiling in his belly. He threw his head back against the headboard and let out a moan as Dele once again slowed his hips to a snail's pace. Eric whined at the pace and purposely bucked his hips up to stir Dele on, which he ignored. He decided to take matters in his own hands and grabbed onto Dele’s hips tighter and flipped them over. 

“Babe,” Dele whined at the quick shift of position. 

Eric circled his hips in perfect alignment with Dele’s which caused them both to hiss at the contact. He punched his hips forward, a cry falling out of Dele’s mouth. “You’re gonna be the death of me, Delboy.”

Dele grabbed onto Eric’s back, trying to find something to stabilize him as he withered under him. He felt so childish seeing they were both still in their pants but it felt too good to stop and undress. “Die-Diet.”

“Hmm?” He hummed against Dele’s neck as he sucked on his skin, determined to leave a lasting mark. Remind everyone who he belonged to. 

“To-too much,” he choked out, nails digging into Eric’s back. His body was wound tight, his legs wrapping around Eric’s hips, pushing him in closer. He could feel his release building up in the pit of his stomach. “God, so-so good to me, Diet.” 

“Shit-Del,” Eric gasped his name into Dele’s mouth, his arms were shaking from trying to keep his upper body hovered over Dele’s. He dove in for another kiss, their mouths mashing together in a mess of lips, tongues, and gasps of each other’s names and expletives. He didn’t want it to end but needed his release all at once. He punched his hips forward roughly once more that made his own head lull forward. He hid his head in the crux of Dele’s neck, littering it with small open mouth kisses as Dele gasped and moaned in his ear. 

“Baby. Eric, baby,” Dele whispered into his ear. 

“Hmm?” Eric asked against his skin, sucking on his collarbone. 

“The baby,” Dele let out a groan, head hitting the pillow beneath him, his own hips stilling below Eric. “She’s awake.”

Eric paused his movements and moved his head away from Dele’s chest to definitely hear Fay’s little cries coming from the baby monitor beside the bed. “Fuck.”

“I was trying,” Dele tried to lighten the mood with a joke. 

“Shit,” he cursed and rolled off of Dele. Eric scrubbed at his face and bit the inside of his cheek to calm himself down. His chest was red and blotchy and his body felt like it was on fire. He picked up the monitor to look at it, seeing what Fay was doing. She was still lying down in her crib just crying. Eric didn’t want to pounce every time she cried, didn’t want her to get use to it. Sometimes a child just needed to cry. “Nightmare.”

“Want me to get her?” Dele asked, scratching at his thighs to distract his mind from the earlier incident. “Go take a shower, cool off, and I’ll umm unwind elsewhere.”

Eric threw his head back with a laugh, all the built up tension in his body coming out. “The glamorous life of parents, eh?”

“That was your Christmas present that your daughter just blocked, buddy,” Dele teased him. “Go finish yourself off in the shower, use my shower gel if it helps.”

“Romantic,” Eric laughed and sat up, bringing his knees to his chest. “I’m gonna take a cold shower, alone. Go look after our daughter.”

“Will do,” Dele promised, standing up and saluting Eric. 

“Oh, and you owe me an actual present, Delboy,” Eric reminded him as they both walked out the room. Eric let out a laugh as he heard Dele’s groan from across the hall. “Love you!”

The next week went by in a flash. Eric had to finalize all his shopping. Getting gifts for his parents before they arrived, sending out his gifts to his family members who weren’t going to be in London for the holiday. Making sure everyone got something they wanted, spoiling his nieces and nephews. He even did some of Dele’s shopping, grabbing gifts for Sally and Alan, Harry and whoever he was dating at the moment. Making sure Archie and the twins got some of the hottest toys that were released for the holiday. Fay was still oblivious to what was going on, just sitting in her pram mindlessly, trying desperately to reach and eat her toes. Eric even had last minute decorations to put up around the home, little trimmings around the tree and fixing the lights outside. He knew he looked and acted a little crazy but it’s what soothed him, calmed him down during the manic final days before the holiday. It also put less stress on Dele who had so many other things on his plate. He would wake up early for training and come home exhausted that he had little time to worry about Christmas and shopping and all the nuances that come with the holiday. He was still trying to weasel his way out of getting Eric anything. 

Once Eric’s parents arrived things started to settle down nicely. They looked after Fay while Eric ran around doing last minute things for Christmas Day. It was a much needed break from dragging Fay around in the cold weather while he aimlessly shopped for presents and food for Christmas brunch. Dele had training on Christmas Day but was expected to be done around noon so they could properly enjoy the holiday. Eric’s parents were going to celebrate with them on Christmas Eve before going to his sister’s house up north for the actual day. Luckily both families were well aware of the hectic and erratic schedule of a footballer so all big plans were put on hold until they could get more then two days off to properly celebrate. Eric didn’t realize the mad dash of people in the supermarkets for all the fixings for a Christmas dinner. Something that normally would take him twenty minutes took close to an hour and he hadn’t even gotten all that was on his list. He had to drop the idea of steamed broccoli for their dinner and instead grabbed the last available head of lettuce for a garnish with his ham. He was polite to everyone who did stop him for an autograph or picture even though he may have been rushing them a little it. It was the holiday season and Eric knew he had to be kind and gracious when stopped by a fan. 

“Everything is wrapped,” Eric said, his voice exhausted as he threw himself on the bed on Christmas Eve. 

The dinner with his parents ran smoothly, Louise volunteered to cook to give Eric a mini break. It felt good to have a home cooked meal from his mum, even if it was done in his own kitchen. Dele dragged himself home a little before four from training, showered and tried to be perky and upbeat enough to properly enjoy the day. Louise cooked Eric’s favorite fish dish, a staple in the Dier home every Christmas Eve. It brought Portugal to them and hopefully instilled a little tradition into Fay. The ate and shared stories of Christmas’s past, Dele’s favorite activity to do when his in-laws were in town. He lit up like a Christmas tree anytime either Louise or Jeremy told embarrassing stories of Eric as a child, made his entire day. One particular story had him spitting his water out. A petulant six year old Eric finding out that Santa wasn’t real due to Daisy spilling the beans. How he cried under the tree all night at the horror. Eric turned a shade of red that Dele had never seen before, embarrassed but endearing either way. Stories like that always put Dele at ease, especially when he needed it the most. It took his mind off what was going on around him, the matches, the training, the mental and physical exhaustion he was feeling. It helped Eric as well, calmed his anxiety over the holiday, even when the stories were at his expense. It felt good to see his family and witness Fay’s milestones with them. 

Eric felt like a child when he woke up on Christmas. Rushing to see if Santa came and left them presents under the tree, even though he was the one who did the wrapping and left the gifts. He tried not to wake anyone seeing that it was half past five and Dele’s alarm was set for six. He did check on Fay who was sound asleep, dreaming away in her fairy designed nursery. He crept into the kitchen to put on the coffee and make sure all of the things Dele needed for training were by the front door so he wouldn’t forget them. As much as Eric missed playing and the tight schedule that came along with football, he didn’t miss the early wake up calls and the training on dark mornings in the winter. Dragging yourself out of bed and out the house before the sun even had time to properly rise and leaving training as the sun was setting. Made him feel like he was missing so much during the day. Now he rose early for Fay and that was more than alright with him. He gathered ingredients to make Dele breakfast that would hold him over until Christmas brunch, giving him ten or fifteen minutes of family time before leaving for training. He was determined to make pancakes from scratch and maybe some scrambled eggs, easy and effective. 

“Happy Christmas,” Dele mumbled as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He looked a right mess, pants hanging low on his hips, one sock on. That was typical Dele actually. Still looked absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.

“Happy Christmas!” Eric replied cheerily. He walked over to where Dele was leaning up against the counter and softly kissed his cheek. “I’m making breakfast so you can go to training a little later.”

“I married a genius,” Dele laughed, scratching at his bare stomach. “I’ve got to shower but I want to give you your gift first.”

“Later,” Eric told him with an eye roll. “At our Christmas brunch.”

“The gift won’t work then,” Dele said, turning and rummaging through the cupboards above the dishwasher. “I hid it here because you never wash the dishes in the dishwasher hence no need for you to be here.”

“I married a genius,” Eric echoed Dele’s earlier statement. He smiled giddly as he watched Dele stand on his tiptoes to retrieve the item. He felt butterflies in his stomach, nervous. They’d been exchanging gifts for close to ten years, why was he so nervous now? At least he knew it wasn’t a new car like last years gift.

“Happy Christmas Diet,” Dele said and turned around handing Eric a coffee mug that read #1 Dad in bold blue colors. Dele’s face was beaming, his smile wide and proud. “For your morning coffee and afternoon tea. It’s in the Spurs colors.”

“I-I see,” Eric said tentatively, inspecting the mug in his hands. “This is, wow, amazing, Del.” 

“You like it?” He asked, eyes wide and features soft. “It’s your first Christmas as a Dad so I thought you deserved this, Eric, I really do.”

“W-wow, Del,” he repeated, still in amazement. “This is such a great gift, thoughtful, and umm important. Thanks.”

“Your welcome,” he told him proudly. “Go make your coffee and finish breakfast, I’m going to shower. Happy Christmas, Diet. I love you.”

Eric accepted the soft kiss from Dele and tried his best to just keep smiling. “Go shower, love. Breakfast will be ready when you’re done.”

Eric continued making breakfast and begrudgingly poured his second cup of coffee in his new mug. He knew Dele was running out of time to buy him a present and Eric also knew that it was the thought that counted but a mug was not what he was expecting. Eric felt bad that his reaction was very telling, but he was shocked and taken aback by it all. Dele’s face was so proud, though, so excited to give it to him. If he was forced to use this mug day in and day out for the foreseeable future then he was going to drink out of it with pride. Eric felt horrible that he was already thinking of ways to get rid of it, maybe accidentally knock is against the counter one day. Drop it in a hurry if Fay needed him. He was never going to do it, but the thoughts were enough for him for now. Once Dele emerged out of the shower and back in the kitchen Eric made a show of drinking out of the new mug. He knew he was being over the top but the look on Dele’s face was well worth it. He was so proud of himself and the gift he had bought that Eric couldn’t bring himself to tell him how much he hated it. How it felt as if he put no effort into trying to get him something that meant something. They were able to eat in silence while Fay continued sleeping. It was rare but they embraced it. They spoke of the dinner that Eric was planning once Dele got back from training, how they’d open the presents with and for Fay despite her not being able to properly grasp the concept of the holiday just yet. 

Once Dele went off to training Eric tried to busy himself around the home. He cleaned up their breakfast plates, including the mug. He placed it in the cupboard and tried to forget about it. He still didn’t know why it irked him so much, why it got under his skin. He was so ashamed that he was so perturbed by it, that he was letting it affect him so much. Luckily once Fay woke up he was able to forget all about the mug, he had so much more to do. He fed her and bathed her, trying to get her excited for Christmas. He called his mum and dad to wish them a happy holiday. As Fay played he received calls from his siblings, thanking him for the gifts and sending him, Dele, and Fay well wishes on their first Christmas as a family. Fay was still unaware of what was going on around her but Eric knew that would happen. Five months was still too young to grasp the concept of any holiday really. Around one she went down for her nap and Dele had texted him that he was out training and on his way home. That’s when Eric went into panic mode. He had to start preparing for their Christmas dinner and nothing was even close to ready. He knew he put a big burden on his own shoulders, giving himself a big task to complete in the cooking department. He knew he could do it though, just needed to get his ass in gear. 

“Honey, I’m home,” Dele greeted Eric when he walked into the kitchen. “You okay?”

Eric tried to force himself to smile but could feel himself looking like a fool. “Stressed.”

“Babe,” Dele cooed and stepped closer to him. “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

“Just a lot I have to do,” he replied with a sigh. “Baby’s sleeping, thank god, but I didn’t realize I gave myself a huge task to complete in such a short time.”

“Eric,” he began gently, scratching at the nape of Eric’s neck. “You do not need to make this big of a production. I know you want to have some semblance of a tradition for us but there’s no need. I’d be fine with some takeaway pizza.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Eric scoffed and walked to the skin to rinse off the vegetables. “Besides, I have to do this. My mum did it and my nan did it before her.”

“And you're neither of them,” Dele reminded him gently, walking over to the sink. “You’re you, which is perfect by the way. That’s the beauty of this family. We can make our own traditions, to heck with everyone else. Our family isn’t conventional anyway so why not add to it by not doing what others did.”

Eric furiously scrubbed at a zucchini before tossing it on the drain board to dry before picking up a carrot to wash. “We need to do this! I need to do this!”

“Eric,” Dele called him softly, hesitantly placing his hand on Eric’s hip, feeling him wince at the touch. “Babe, please. Go have a kip, I’ll take care of the veggies and whatever else you need. A family tradition can be handled by both family members, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, his body relaxing against Dele’s familiar touch. 

“Good,” Dele responded, kissing Eric’s cheek. “Everything will be okay, okay?”

Eric nodded in response, suddenly in a subdued trance by the softness in Dele’s voice. Dele was a little shocked himself, Eric usually put up a bigger fight when he was in the middle of doing something he deemed greatly important. This time he just nodded, kissed Dele quickly, and retreated to wherever he was going. Dele was left alone in the kitchen a little confused and overwhelmed. He knew Eric had a grand plan for Christmas dinner, which was admirable but also daunting, hence the meltdown. Now that was all left on his shoulders, even if it was in own fault in suggesting it. He finished cleaning the vegetables, assuming Eric was going to use them in some sort of elaborate salad, which Dele easily knew how to prepare. The ham and all the other fixings was another obstacle entirely. There weren’t any cooking instructions on the label to tell Dele how to prepare it, how long to cook it and at what temperature. The kitchen was always Eric’s forté even before they got together. He always invited friends, family, and teammates over for a meal that he cooked. It was something he excelled and took pride in it. Dele wasn’t a slouch but he was no master chef like Eric was. 

He stood in front of the refrigerator, starting menacingly at the ham, trying to figure out what to do with it, besides the obvious. Did Eric really have to make a ham? Was it really necessary for just two people? Dele rarely ate it anyway, maybe a sandwich here or there but it wasn’t on his top ten list of favorite foods. He knew it was a Christmas tradition for the Dier family, his mum and nan serving it every year, but traditions change and expand. Also, they were the new generation of the Dier family. Him, Eric, and Fay were their own family despite the same surname as the rest of Eric’s family. Like Dele had told Eric, they should spice up the tradition, make one for themselves to pass along to Fay and their future kids for them to use or change in the future. Dele wracked his brain for an idea, anything that could represent them. He tried to remember the Christmases he had as a kid, once he was living with the Hickfords. They’d decorate the tree on Christmas Eve while listening to Bing Crosby and drinking hot cocoa. It was a good memory, a fond memory for Dele. On Christmas Day Sally would make a turkey with all the fixings on the side. Dele knew he couldn’t cook a turkey, despite not having one available at the moment. That was a huge task for a novice cook. 

An idea popped into his head of what to do, what to cook. He knew Eric wouldn’t be pleased, at least not a first, but Dele had to go with his gut and what was available to him. The ham could wait until the new year, when they had family or friends over to entertain. Dele was proud of himself as he gathered everything he needed to start the meal. The salad would take him mere minutes to make while everything else was cooking. He was so proud of himself as he turned the water on to boil, chopping peppers and carrots, a piece of zucchini here and there. Everything in the home was quiet, both Fay and Eric probably upstairs sleeping, which made the cooking feel more therapeutic for Dele. He ran plays for tomorrow’s match in his head. Trying to figure out how he’d breakdown Palace’s backline and score or assist a goal at least. Playing against another London team, especially on Boxing Day, was always tough. The emotions were always heightened and everyone was buzzing for the holiday, the crowd always into it more than usual. He unlocked his phone and put on some Christmas music to get him into the holiday spirit, immediately playing Bing Crosby. The happier memories from his youth immediately overcoming him, reminding him of simpler times and an easy life. Life was never easy as a professional footballer, father, or husband, but he was adapting. 

“What are you doing?”

Dele jumped at Eric’s voice, dropping the wooden spoon in her hand before he turned around and was greeted by Eric holding Fay on his hip. He shut off his music and smiled wide at them. “Making Christmas dinner.”

Eric looked around the kitchen, inspecting everything. “Where’s the ham? The broccoli? The potatoes?”

“Nixed it,” Dele told him with a shrug, walking over and kissing Fay’s forehead. “I’m starting our own family tradition, Diet.”

“Spaghetti?” Eric questioned, his voice cracking as he carefully looked into the pot on the stove. “That’s you’re Christmas dinner?”

“And meatballs,” Dele quickly added with pride. “Oh and the garlic bread you bought, too.”

“Del-“

“Eric, please,” he interrupted him. “I know you had your heart set on this grand dinner and it was so appreciated and generous of you, babe, but I don’t want that. I don’t want your mum’s Christmas. I want our own. Something we can do year after year and look back fondly at this exact moment when the tradition started.”

“Del,” Eric repeated with a sigh. 

“Eric,” he said softly. “Please. Just let me finish up in here and I’ll show how amazing it’ll be. Go set the table and get Fay’s food ready, okay? Please just trust me.”

Eric opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, words stuck in his throat. He frankly didn’t know what to say. He was angry but didn’t truly know why. He was touched by what Dele was doing, making them dinner despite his lack of skill and talent in the kitchen. He was so determined to give them their own holiday tradition and if that was spaghetti and meatballs, then so be it. Eric had to learn to adapt and appreciate it. He took Fay into the dining room and placed her in her high chair as he set the table for the two of them. She was quickly occupied with the toys suctioned to her table, playing with them to occupy herself. As Eric set the table he did smile to himself, overcome with a warm feeling of the day. His day wasn’t going as he planned at all and he had to deal with that, had to alter his mindset to realize it. He woke up that morning and received a Christmas gift from Dele he wasn’t expecting but he overcame that. Now he wasn’t having the dinner he was planning for, but he knew he had to overcome that as well. Plans change and people adapt all the time, Eric could as well. Once the table was set Eric went to the cabinet and got Fay’s food out for her, luckily at this point she was slowly transitioning into eating solids. Eric didn’t want to venture into the kitchen once more to make her a bottle, especially after hearing all the banging and clunking noises Dele was making at the moment, thinking he was subtle despite letting out a swear word here and there after every loud noise. 

After Fay was situated with her food and Eric began feeding her, lovely mashed yams and carrots, Dele began to make him way into the dining room with the prepared meal. He looked so proud of himself as he walked in with the big bowl of spaghetti followed by a tray of meatballs and lastly the garlic bread. He even thought he’d be a little cheeky and bring in some wine. It did set the meal and mood despite neither of them being big fans of red wine. Eric knew someone from Spurs backroom staff gave it to Dele as a Christmas gift so they had to make use of it. Dele beamed widely as they sat to eat, serving Eric before himself. He ruffled Fay’s blonde hair as she looked up at him as she herself ate her food. Dele turned the music back on his phone, Bing Crosby crooning to them as they ate. It was relaxing and beautiful and made Dele’s heart swell with love, despite the ever present scowl on Eric’s face. He knew Eric had some trepidation about the choice of their meal but he couldn’t keep brooding forever. They spoke softly about training and the match ahead of him, talked about Eric’s day before his meltdown in the kitchen when Dele arrived home. It was pleasant and welcoming. Fay squawking in her chair from time to time when she could feel the attention shifting away from her. She was Dele’s child alright, craving attention at all times and Eric made sure he knew that as well. 

“So?” Dele asked, leaning back against his seat once they were finished eating. 

Eric smiled and shook his head. “I underestimated you, Delboy.”

Dele shrugged his shoulders and returned Eric’s smile. “I know. You always do, Diet.”

“Spaghetti and meatballs weren’t my first choice of a replacement meal but I can’t complain,” he said, standing up and gathering the dirty dishes. “Let me get these washed and we’ll do the presents. You and this little one need to get to bed. You’ve got a big day tomorrow, love.”

Dele scoffed at the words and pulled Eric in my the hem of his shirt as he passes him. “Thank you, Eric. For trusting me for loving me. For being you.”

Eric kissed Dele’s lips softly and pulled away with a smile. “Always. Now go. I’ll be back shortly.”

Dele smiled to himself and ducked his head with a blush as Eric left the room. He cleaned up the mess around Fay before taking her out of her high chair and placing her in her playpen so he could rearrange the gifts they had piled around the tree. He made a pile for each of them, Fay’s the largest by far. He found a box with his name on it and immediately got butterflies in his stomach, nervous and excited by it. He tried to shake it to get some ideas to what he may be but it was no use, the insides of the box wasn’t making a sound. He sneakily went into the next room, his office to retrieve two boxes. One for Fay and one for Eric, his true Christmas gift. Dele knew Eric wasn’t fond of the coffee mug he got him, giving it to him as a gag gift, something to throw him off. He could see that morning the panic and fear in Eric’s eyes when he was handed the mug, he wanted to smash it, running through all the scenarios on how to possibly lose it or damage it in every way. He made his way over to Fay to check on her when she got quiet, there she was sitting in her playpen playing quietly with her toys, looking up with her big blue eyes at Dele and smiling. That’s what Christmas was about to him, not the food or the presents, it was about spending time with those you love and cherishing every moment, especially the quiet ones. 

“Hurry up Eric!” Dele yelled. “I’m getting impatient and I saw a box with my name on it.”

“Calm down,” Eric warned him as he walked into the living area, drying his hands on his joggers. “Who said they gift was for you anyway?”

Dele narrowed his eyes and held up the box, shaking it. “It has my name on it, Dier. Pretty certain that means it’s for me.”

“Maybe,” Eric replied coyly with a shrug. “The baby first, okay?”

“Ugh,” he groaned jokingly. “Fine.”

For the next few minutes both Eric and Dele opened all the presents Fay got. They started with the ones from their families, mostly clothes from both sets of parents. They’d show Fay what she got but she was too occupied with her feet and seeing if she could fit them in her mouth. Eric and Dele’s siblings got her educational toys that seemed to perk her up for a minute before going back to her toes. Neither man could blame her, clothes and educational toys were boring, especially for a five month old. Dele opened the gifts Eric got her and shook his head. He went over the top, buying her a ball pit which Dele was immediately impressed with. It was small, small enough to put in the middle of the room and easily watch her as she played. He also bought her a toy music ball, with multi colored buttons that played different types of music depending on what button was touched. Overall it was impressive and exactly what a five month old would enjoy. 

Eric opened the gifts Dele got Fay and was taken aback by the first small box he opened, diamond earrings. He knew the gift was more for them then her but it was beautiful and subtle. Not too big to her overwhelming for her, but a decent size to make a statement. The other gift he got her was an activity mat that looked like a camping tent. It was ingenious, as well as educational. She was at the age where she’d start crawling at any minute and an activity mat is the perfect place to start. The last box Dele had for Fay went with the true gift he got Eric. Dele didn’t say anything as Eric opened the box and pulled out a miniature sized Spurs shirt. He held it up and turned it around. On the back was Dele’s number, twenty, and Fay’s name printed across the top. Eric looked at Dele from over the shirt and just shook his head in amazement. 

“There’s one more box,” Dele told him. “For you.”

“Del-“

“You honestly thought I’d buy you a mug,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m ashamed in you, Diet. Thought you knew better than that.”

Eric grabbed the remaining box and tore it open in hurry. He opened the top and threw the paper tissue to the side and was faced with a similar looking Spurs shirt. He had plenty of them throughout his career but this one make him nervous, excited. He lifted it up with trembling fingers, immediately turning it around. It had Dele’s number on the back, like Fay’s, but instead of saying his name it had the word Daddy spelled out in bold blue letters. “Delboy.”

“You can wear it to the next home match,” he told him sheepishly, suddenly embarrassed. “We can be a proper family. We all wear the same number, be that obnoxious couple we use to make fun of.”

Eric held up the shirt once more and smiled wide, his heart beating fast in his chest. “I love this. I love you.”

“Love you, too,” he responded warmly, grabbing the box with his name on it. “Enough about you, Diet. Now it’s my turn.”

“Mood killer,” he muttered under his breath with a smile, folding his new shirt and placing it on his lap. “It isn’t much, but I hope you like it.”

Dele tore away the intricate Christmas wrapping and was faced with a small white box. He looked up at Eric and raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Eric.”

“Just open it,” he told him impatiently. 

“Eric,” he repeated when he finally opened the box. He let out a small gasp at the gold chain in front of him. “It-it’s beautiful.”

“You like it?” Eric asked. “I know you don’t wear any jewelry during matches but maybe you could wear it.”

Dele lifted the chain up and held the small fairy delicately in his palm. “For my fairy girl.”

“Have her with you always,” Eric explained. “You have my name on the back of your shirt and now you can have our little girl with you too as you play.”

“Thank you,” he told him softly, eyes never leaving the chain. He unhooked the clasp and placed it around his neck. “Perfect fit.”

“Perfect,” Eric agreed as walked over to where Dele was sitting. Their living area was a mess of wrapping paper and discarded boxes but none of that mattered now. “Happy?”

Dele adjusted the chain around his neck and nodded his head enthusiastically. “Over the moon.”

“I’m sorry I freaked out earlier,” Eric apologized. “I was so stressed about traditions that I didn’t stop to think how much this day means to our little family. Our little girls first ever Christmas and I almost ruined it.”

“I wouldn’t have let you ruin it,” he told him, scratching at the back of Eric’s head. “You gotta live in the moment, love, and everything else will fall into place.”

“Thank you for grounding me, babe,” Eric said low and softly. He pulled Dele in for a tender kiss and pressed their foreheads together. “Thank you for starting our own tradition.”

“Don’t get use to me cooking every year, though,” Dele laughed. “I only know how to cook one meal and that’s it.”

“It was perfect,” Eric laughed as well. He kissed Dele one more time and smiled widely at him. “Happy Christmas, Dele.”

“Happy Christmas, Diet.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This got away from me more times then I’d like to admit. It’s over 16K words so read them carefully because some of it may trigger some of you. This is also going to be my last chapter for some time so I can focus on my full length fic. Please don’t be a stranger, you can always find me on tumblr at softestziam. 
> 
> This is for my Teens, who held my hand every step of the way. My muse, my love, my life. Thank you, kiddo.

It was about two weeks after Fay’s first birthday that Dele brought up the subject of having another child. They had just gotten back from holiday in America and celebrating Fay’s first birthday when Dele tried to subtly squeeze the topic into a conversation. Molly was watching Fay, arraigning a playdate for her and twins and giving Eric and Dele an afternoon off to just reconnect. They had all these plans to scrub the house and clean and get a lot accomplished, maybe even go out on a lunch date, but none of that happened. They ended up in their respective offices working. Catching up on emails that they purposely ignored while on holiday. Nothing important was missed, thankfully. Dele just wanted to enjoy his first real summer off after his abrupt retirement after the last game of the previous season. It took some adjustment, getting his mind and body prepared to not overwork himself like he had previously done for the last ten years. Dele was bored after sending two emails, leaving his office to make himself lunch. He made a sandwich and fixed one for Eric as well before heading into Eric’s office to bother him. Eric looked so content and relaxed sitting in front of his computer screen, headphones on and focused on whatever he was doing. 

“Here,” Dele said softly, placing his plate of food on the desk. 

Eric took out of headphones and smiled warmly at Dele. “Thanks.”

“Anything good?” He asked, nodding his head towards the computer and taking a seat next to Eric. 

“Mostly spam,” he answered with a laugh. “You got anything good?”

“Email from Tina,” he replied. “Showed her pictures from Fay’s birthday. Just checking in to see how we are, how she’s doing. The usual.”

“Del-“

“I know,” he sighed. “I know you find it weird that I’m friendly with our surrogate, but Eric she’s family. She’s Fay’s mother, okay?”

“I get it,” he told him, taking out his other earphone and spinning his seat to properly face Dele. “Just be careful, okay?” 

“She did ask a question that got me thinking,” Dele casually said. Eric raised his eyebrows in response. “If we were thinking about expanding our family.”

“Oh.”

“I know I mentioned it back in May and I was serious,” he explained. “We’ve been through a lot these last few months, Eric, but I’m okay. Never going to be perfect but I’m ready if you are.”

“Fay just turned one!” Eric exclaimed. “She’s still isn’t walking, why not focus on the one we have before getting ahead of ourselves, okay?”

“I want a little one that looks like me,” Dele replied softly, pouting. “I see you in Fay everyday and something inside me craves that.”

“And it’ll happen, Del. I promise,” Eric assured him, placing a hand on his thigh in comfort. 

“I want our kids close in age, like you and your siblings. I want to still be young so we can do all the things parents do with their kids,” Dele explained. 

“We’re not even in our thirties, Del,” Eric laughed, squeezing Dele’s thigh. “We have our best years ahead of us to have a ton of kids.”

“I only want one more,” he quickly told him. “Two is more than enough. I know it’s a Dier tradition to have a litter of kids but I can’t handle that. Sorry.”

“So one more,” Eric agreed with a nod. “One little one that looks just like you, deal?”

Dele smiled and blushed. “Okay. I’ll call Tina and tell her we’re ready.”

“I didn’t mean now!” Eric laughed at Dele’s over enthusiastic excitement. “Soon, okay? Now now. Let us have some more time with Fay first.”

“Fine,” Dele agreed with a huff. “No more than a year, max.”

Eric shook his head and patted Dele’s thigh once more. “Agreed. We’ll talk about it again in the new year.”

As requested, the baby talk was but on hold until the new year. Eric didn’t know that once the clock hit midnight and the new year celebrating was over Dele would literally turn to him and ask about having another kid. Eric was taken aback but laughing as well, because he did in fact tell Dele they’d talk about it in the upcoming year. They had a deep discussion that night, the fireworks from downtown could still be heard over their hushed voices, occasionally checking to see if Fay was okay and still fast asleep. Dele had did his research and planning, already having a discussion with Tina who was onboard with being their surrogate once again. Eric aired out his hesitations, not wanting to rock their relationship. He had almost lost Dele not even a year earlier, he was afraid of that again. Even though Dele was well equipped with all the tools he needed to take care of himself and his mental health, Eric didn’t want a second child to trigger it any further. They also both knew talking about having a kid was easier said than done. When they were ready to have Fay it was just them to take into consideration, now they had to make sure Fay was going to be okay with now sharing her life with someone else if they were lucky enough to get pregnant. The one thing they did agree on was that Dele was going to be the biological father. 

“So is that a yes?” Dele asked, his smile wide, not even hiding his excitement. 

“Yes, Delboy. We can try for another child,” Eric answered him. He let out a huff as he caught Dele as he threw himself at him. “Del.”

Dele hovered his body over Eric’s, still smiling wide. “I love you, Eric. Thank you for making me so happy.”

“We still need to talk to Tina, the doctors too,” Eric softly reminded him, his left hand caressing Dele’s cheek. “We need to make sure it’s even possible, physically.”

“I know,” he said. “Thank you.”

“Don’t want you to get your hopes up,” he said to him. “We got lucky with Fay. I don’t want you to get your hopes up and get let down.”

It was around Valentine’s Day when they got the green light from their doctor and Tina that they could proceed. Dele’s eyes were wide the entire time, gripping Tina’s hand in excitement during the whole appointment. Eric tried to remain rational as he asked questions, making sure Tina was okay to proceed. She was mentally prepared to be pregnant again and dedicate the next year of her life to them once again. She was a team player every step of the way, a main reason why they chose her when they were deciding who to choose to be their surrogate in the first place. She was unphased about their fame and the money they could throw around. She was willing to sacrifice her own life to help expand their family, and it helped that she was easy to get along with as well. She never once asked for anything other than what they were already providing her, never held it over their heads that she was biologically Fay’s mother, not a selfish done in her body. They both had heard horror stories about other surrogates which deterred them for a while before they found Tina. They even briefly spoke about adoption instead but the paperwork and red tape would be too much of a headache. The doctor ran some tests on Dele, making sure he was in top shape to be the donor, making Eric laugh. He had flashbacks of his own tests almost two years prior, trying to do it all in secrecy because the press didn’t know they were looking into having children and they both were still playing. Now it was more lax, no one was writing about the old, boring married couple who not even a year ago use to light North London on fire with their football. 

The waiting period was the worst for all three adults. The waiting to see if the IVF worked and if in fact Tina was pregnant. It was easy to try and occupy your mind when you had things to distract you. Fay took up a lot of their time and energy, like most children did. Both Dele and Eric jumped every time their phone rang, in hopes it was Tina with the good news. They checked on her almost daily, making sure she was okay and asking if she needed anything. They knew they’d have to wait at least two to four weeks before getting any news but the wait was agonizing and felt like time was frozen each day. They didn’t want to mention anything to their families in hopes it didn’t take. They had gotten lucky with Fay, Tina getting pregnant on the first try, which was rare they had learned. No matter how expensive IVF was, neither Eric or Dele cared. They’d try and try until they were successful for the second time. Eric wanted Dele to feel all the excitement he did when Tina was pregnant with Fay, knowing that forty weeks later a little person who had your biological makeup was going to be brought into this world and change it for the better. Eric also kept a watchful eye on Dele, making sure he was mentally ready for another baby. He kept telling Eric he was but they both knew Dele wasn’t the best with hiding his emotions with his actions. He could yes Eric to death but one look said everything he couldn’t. 

“Diet!” Dele called to Eric in mid March. He was in Fay’s nursery changing her nappy and changing her clothes after a particular messy lunch. “Diet, come in here, please.”

Eric groaned from their bedroom, putting away his clean clothes. He stopped what he was doing and crossed the hall into the room. “What do you want, Del?”

“Come here,” he grunted, rolling his eyes as Eric stood by the doorframe. 

“What?” Eric asked, walking over to the changing table. “What’s so important that you can’t change Fay all on your own?”

“Look,” Dele told him, straighten Fay’s shirt. 

“I’m looking,” he said looking down at Fay. “She’s got ten toes and ten fingers, she’s good, babe.”

“Look,” he repeated through gritted teeth, tugging the shirt once again. 

“I’m looking!” Eric exclaimed, looking down at Fay again. 

Dele huffed and scrubbed at his face. “Read the damn shirt, Eric.”

“Big sister,” Eric read nonchalantly. 

“Yeah,” Dele said slowly. “Why would Fay be wearing a big sister shirt?”

“Why would-Holy shit!” Eric yelled. “Tina’s pregnant? Tina’s pregnant!”

“She’s pregnant,” Dele replied with an enthusiastic nod, picking up Fay and swinging her around which made her giggle. 

“How did you find out before me?” Eric asked, his mind still trying to wrap around the news Dele just dropped. 

“I called her this morning just to check in and she told me,” he explained. “Three positive home tests but we’ll need to get proper confirmation first.”

“When did you get the shirt?” Eric asked with a laugh. “You just found out.”

“Bought it the morning after the implantation,” he confessed with a smile. “I had to, Eric.”

Eric ruffled Dele’s hair and smoothed out Fay’s, a wide smile still on his face. “We’re having another baby, Del.”

Dele sighed at Eric’s touch and the giggle that came out of Fay at Eric’s antics. “We’re having another baby.”

A week later both Eric and Dele were at the doctor’s office with Tina for their official checkup. They dropped Fay at Molly’s house without a proper explanation of why but luckily she didn’t pry, accepted her niece with open arms. They wanted to keep the exciting news to themselves until they got the all clear from both Tina and the doctor that they were in fact in the clear and were having baby number two. The doctor’s office was tense, all three of them anxious and excited. Tina knew she was pregnant, pharmacy tests confirmed it multiple times and she knew her body, feeling the same as she did when she got pregnant with Fay. They waited with baited breath as Tina had her blood drawn before going into the office. They all crammed into the small exam room, the medical assistant giving Tina the rundown of what was requested of her. Strip down below the waist and put the drape over her legs as they await the doctor’s arrival. Eric and Dele gave her privacy as she changed, humming to themselves as she did so. She let them know when she was decent, a few minutes before the doctor made her way into the room. Dr. Lyons was the top obstetrician in all of London, highly acclaimed and recommended. They wanted the best for both Tina and their children and Dr. Lyons was the best. When she walked in her smile was wide and welcoming, always a bright and chipper person, beamed with positivity.

“I’m pleasantly surprised to see you all back here so soon,” Dr. Lyons greeted them as she walked into the exam room. 

“We’re so happy to see you again,” Eric told her, shaking her extended hand. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” she replied, shaking both Dele and Tina’s hands before washing her own and putting on her gloves. “How’s the little one, Del?”

“Getting big, getting into trouble. We’re almost at the terrible twos,” Dele said with a wince. “Plus with the addition of the new baby we’re in for some headaches.”

“She’ll be fine,” the doctor laughed. “Now you Tina, how are you feeling?”

Tina sighed and leaned back on the exam table. “Pregnant. Same symptoms I had with Fay.”

“That’s a good sign,” Dr. Lyons told her. “You know the drill, I’m going to be doing the internal sonogram to give you a definite answer and the blood test should be back by mid week next week, okay?”

Dr. Lyons ran through what was about to happen to prepare all in the room. Gently reminded them that if Tina was in fact pregnant, depending on how far along she was, they may not hear a heartbeat just yet. All she was looking for at the moment was the sac to show even the smallest of indication of a proper pregnancy. The vaginal sonogram was going to be able to hopefully accurately pinpoint how far along Tina was in conjunction with the results of the blood tests. Depending on how much of the pregnancy hormone was detected in the blood work along with the sonogram they could get as accurate of a due date as possible. They also knew the possibility of Tina not being pregnant at all and the tests done at home were false positives, which was common. It was too late though, both Dele and Eric had their hopes up and any alternative would just crush their dreams. Dr. Lyons made sure the room was quiet as she began the examination, on the small off chance she could pick up a heartbeat. Everyone’s eyes were focused solely on the monitor hoping to see or hear anything that was a positive sign. 

“Here we are,” Dr. Lyons said happily. “We have a sac, gentleman. Congrats to all the parents.”

Dele gripped Eric hand tightly, leaving marks undoubtedly with his nails. He sniffled, trying desperately to hold back his tears. “We’re pregnant Dr. Lyons?”

Dr. Lyons did some clicking with the monitor that indeed highlighted the evidence of an active pregnancy. “About four weeks along. Come back in a week for your blood test results and we can probably get a heartbeat.”

“We’re pregnant,” Eric said, shocked and overjoyed. He grabbed Tina’s hand and kissed her open palm. “Thank you.”

Tina beamed at them widely, her hair falling softly in front of her face. “You both deserve this and I’m glad I can help along the way.”

“I’m going to be a father,” Dele realized, his eyes wide.

Eric pulled Dele in to him and kissed his temple. “You sure are, babe.”

The rest of the appointment passed in a blur. Dr. Lyons giving Tina she prenatal proscriptions, letting her know what she could and could not do, things she already was told when she was pregnant with Fay. They set up an appointment for the following Thursday to discuss the blood test results and hopefully hear the heartbeat for the first time. As they said their goodbyes and went their separate ways, Dele and Eric hugged Tina as tightly as humanly possible without squishing her, overcome with emotion. They drove to Molly’s house in a happy fog, trying to quell their emotions as to not spoil the news when they arrived. Luckily Molly didn’t grill them much about their whereabouts, just letting them know that Fay was fine and ready for a nap. They were so happy to see their little girl and spoil her, knowing that her time alone with them was now dwindling. That was their only fear when it came to having another baby, how Fay was going to react. She would be around two by the time the new baby arrived if Dr. Lyons gave them an accurate gestation period. The baby could even be born around Christmas which would probably only add to the chaos. They also knew that they shouldn’t get too far ahead of themselves on the off chance the timing was off or something drastic were to happen during this time. 

A week later, on Thursday, they were back in Dr. Lyons’s office for their follow up visit. She ran over the results from Tina’s bloodwork and she was indeed pregnant, all her levels came back normal and positive with the pregnancy hormones. All three were ecstatic but now that they had biological test results to back it up they were over the moon. As Tina undressed Dele and Eric spoke in hushed voices about names and the possibility of telling their families, trying to find an appropriate time and a safe time during pregnancy to break the news to their families before the rest of the world were privy to it. They never officially let the press know about Fay’s birth until days after she was born when they released a statement and a black and white picture of her little fist once she was home and safe and away from prying eyes. The hospital was also very respectful of their privacy, keeping their room under a tight watch. The list of visitors allowed were small and they wanted to make sure Tina was able to recover and have all she needed without the added stress of reporters or crazed fans trying to get a glimpse of her or the baby. It was a well oiled machine but it worked. Tina was never once harassed or questioned about her relationship with either Eric or Dele. She was allowed to continue to live her normal life and do things without anyone in her face, which was what everyone involved wanted in the long run. 

“Ready to hear a heartbeat?” Dr. Lyons asked. 

Instinctively Tina laid back on the exam table, drape over her legs and Dele and Eric sat further in their chairs. Dr. Lyons went over what was about to take place and now silence in the room would help them hear the heartbeat better over whatever chatter may take place. She also warned them that they may not definitely hear the heart cause her calculations could be off by a few days and not to not panic right away. She asked Tina to breath and relax as she inserted the sonogram probe to do the internal examination. Tina winced with the intrusion, Dele grabbing her hand for comfort. The doctor clicked a few buttons on the machine, making noises to herself as she proceeded. Everyone was waiting with anxiety and nerves, hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Like music from the heavens, the loud thumping sound of a heartbeat echoed throughout the room. It was good and steady, strong. Dr. Lyons looked up at Tina who was smiling wide, hand still in Dele’s, squeezing. Eric’s hand was on Dele’s shoulder to stabilize himself due to the emotions running through him. It was all so overwhelming and such a beautiful experience to witness. The sound of their baby’s heart. The loud repetitive thumping and whooshing sound, the indication of a new life that they helped create and would be brought to life in a few months time. 

“The estimated due date in December first,” Dr Lyons spoke. “Next appointment is in two weeks for the seventh week check up. I’d assume one of you is coming with Tina.”

Eric and Dele looked between each other, a silent conversation. Dele timidly raised his hand like he was back in school. “I’ll be here, if that’s okay with you Tina?”

Tina laughed and shook her head. “Of course. Your baby too, Dele.”

“Ten thirty works?” The doctor asked as she removed her gloves and patted Tina’s knee to let her know she could sit up. “I’ll block out the ten and eleven appointments as well for some privacy, okay?”

“Thank you,” Eric replied sincerely. “Ten thirty is perfect, Dr. Lyons. I do appreciate all you’re doing for us now.”

Dr. Lyons shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “It’s all apart of my job, Eric. No worries.”

Once Eric and Dele got home they were in the mood to celebrate. The week before they felt euphoric over the news but now with the confirmation of a due date and a heartbeat they were ready to really let the news sink in. Dele felt untouchable. He saw how Eric looked liked he was floating on a cloud during the entire pregnancy, now he was going to be able to experience that. He was ecstatic when Tina was pregnant with Fay but now she was carrying his child. He was going to be able to hold a child who shared his genetic makeup. It took him years to come to grips with his past and his biological family and all it entailed, he was still dealing with it if Dele was being honest with himself. Now though, now he was ready to make a mini him, someone who may look like him and share a connection he was desperately wanted. For the past almost two years he saw the deeper connection Eric had with Fay, a bond he didn’t fully comprehend, but soon he’d be able to feel it for himself. Dele was ready to scream the news from the rooftops, stop everyone he saw on the street to tell them. That he, Dele Dier, was going to be a father for the second time, but this time he’d have that special bond with someone he hadn’t felt since he met Eric. 

The two weeks between appointments were torturous for Dele. He was trying desperately to keep himself occupied and focused. He’d call Tina at least twice a day to check up on her, see if she needed anything. Luckily she was a patient woman who took everything in stride, knew to play again and pacify both Dele and Eric. She’d answer their questions, let them know how she felt, any reassurance they needed she provided them. Fay was a handful to deal with, like most children, so she occupied quite a bit of their time. Running around and getting into things she wasn’t supposed to, a curious little girl. Dele would stop and really wonder if he was ready for a second child almost every night once Fay was asleep. Was he ready to run around and change nappies and have this time and attention split between two children? Every time he questioned his own ability to be a parent he remembered how much he loved Fay and how much he already loved the baby and the squashed whatever doubts he may have had in his mind. 

Dele was the first to arrive at the doctor’s office, greeting the receptionist warmly with a smile and a polite wave before taking a seat in the waiting room. It felt weird, being there without Eric. They never not went to all the appointments together. They purposely scheduled Tina’s appointments around their schedule, especially seeing they were both still playing at the time. Dr. Lyons and Tina were so patient with them during that time. They had to cancel the appointment they made during Tina’s fifteen week checkup due to advancing in the Champions League and had to play Inter in Milan. This time things were different, easier, not as hurried or sloppy. Eric stayed back to look after Fay instead of dumping her on Molly or Sally and Alan, they didn’t need them getting suspicious. They were a few weeks away from gathering the family together to reveal the pregnancy to them so right now they had to lay low and seem as normal as possible. Dele scrolled through his phone while he waited, letting Eric know he arrived and was waiting to everyone else. A few minutes later Tina arrived with her big warm smile and her oversized bag that she always carried. It was her signature, that a big brimmed sunglasses despite the weather. 

“Alright, Del?” She asked as she took a seat across from him. 

Dele locked his phone and placed it in his pocket with a nod of his head. “Yeah. You good?”

“So far,” she replied with a laugh and a tap to her stomach. “Still cooking.”

“Any symptoms?” He asked. 

“No,” she said with a shrug. “Didn’t have them with Fay either so I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. Probably just jinxed myself.”

They fell into a nice conversation about anything and everything to pass the time until Dr. Lyons was ready for them. When they were called in to the exam room they exchanged pleasantries with the doctor while he set everything up. She checked Tina’s vitals, making sure she was good. Her blood pressure was normal, her weight gain was slow and progressing positively. All signs of a good, stable pregnancy. Dele was chewing on his fingernails due to his nerves, it was odd, strange even to be there without Eric. Something felt off and not right. Dr. Lyons set up the sonogram machine as Tina changed, the drape over her legs once she was undressed, feet placed comfortably but firmly in the stirrups. The room was silent except for the occasional sigh or deep breath from someone, usually Dele. He took his hands out of his mouth as soon as the probe was placed inside Tina, he wanted to hear the heartbeat and not the gnawing of his fingernails echoing in his ears. Dr. Lyons sighed and clicked around on her monitor, moving the probe around as easily as possible inside Tina without hurting her, even when she did release an occasional hiss of pain. The doctor kept humming without saying anything, just looking at the monitor then back at Tina. 

“Dr. Lyons?” Dele called to her. “E-everything okay?”

Dr. Lyons looked at her monitor again then back at Tina and finally at Dele. “I-I can’t find a heartbeat and there’s no growth in the last three weeks.”

“What?” Tina gasped, hands immediately to her mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” the doctor told them somberly. “We’ve lost the baby.”

“No,” Dele spat out. “No, no, no, no, no.”

“Dele,” Tina called to him, reaching her hand out to anchor him. 

“No,” he repeated and shook his head in disbelief. 

“I’m sorry,” Dr. Lyons said again, softly. 

Dele stood up abruptly, chair slamming against the wall with a bang. “I can-can’t be here.”

“Sit,” Dr. Lyons told him. “Please. Sit and process.”

“What should I process?” He asked, hot, angry tears falling from his face. “I’ve got to tell my husband that my baby is dead! I killed our child.”

“Dele,” Tina cried, sitting up, carefully adjusting the drape over her legs. “I’m so sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong,” he told her. “My shit DNA doomed this child to begin with.”

“Del-“

“I’ve gotta go,” he said, looking around. “Call me if there’s anything you need. Sorry.”

Dele left the office and drove home in haze. He blinked every few seconds to stop the tears from clogging up his vision. He did not want to get into an accident on top of the crappy day he was already having. It wasn’t even midday and he was already to cancel the rest of the day, his life. His heart was hurting, his body numb. He failed, the worst fail a person could experience. Losing matches and major tournaments hurt but this was an unbearable pain, indescribable. He had lost a child, he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. All he could think of was how devastated Eric was going to be and how he let him down. How all of this was his fault and he could never, ever make it up to him. Losing a child was usually the final nail in the coffin of a marriage. Dele just worked his butt off to salvage it just to toss it in the bin a year later. The last ten years of his life was now going to be a distant fond memory because his shitty genes messed everything up. How was he supposed to deal with it? How was he going to look at himself in the mirror now? Now that he just ruined their chances at happiness once more. 

“Del?” Eric called to him when he heard the front door open 

Dele took his shoes off and shrugged off his coat, placing his car keys in the dish by the door. He froze at his name being called. He didn’t want to see Eric, not now, not ever. He rubbed at his face and checked his reflection in the hall mirror. He had been crying the entire car ride and it was more than obvious by his red, puffy eyes. 

“Del?” Eric called him once more, his voice closer. “You home?”

“I’m going to lay down,” Dele told him as he made his way towards the staircase. 

“Stop,” Eric told him, finally entering the hall. “Tell me how the appointment went? How are we doing?”

“I’m tired, Diet,” he groaned, faking a yawn. “I’m gonna nap while Fay’s down and we’ll talk later, yeah?”

“Del,” he called to him for a third time, his voice soft. He placed one foot on the bottom stair, his hand on the railing. “What’s wrong?”

Dele shook his head, avoiding eye contact with Eric. His eyes were a dead giveaway. “No-nothing. Long morning, I just want to lie down.”

“Do I have to call Dr. Lyons myself?” Eric asked. “Something happened and you won’t tell me. Why?”

“Diet,” he cried, immediately slumping forward. His body felt like it was giving out underneath him from the weight of the news he was carrying. 

“Talk to me,” Eric begged, walking up the two steps to reach Dele, immediately scooping him up in his arms. “What happened?”

“I killed our baby,” he cried out, face buried in Eric’s chest, sobs leaving him instantly. 

“What?” He asked, shocked and confused. “You did what?”

“I killed our baby,” he repeated through choked out sobs. 

“Hey,” Eric tried to soothe him, rubbing his neck and back. “What happened?”

Dele raised his head from Eric’s chest, eyes red. “There wasn’t a heartbeat or growth. We-we lost the baby.”

Eric’s body froze at the news. His eyes started to sting with my threat of tears, he breathed through his nose to try and calm his now rapidly beating heart. He had to remain strong. “You did nothing wrong, Del. Okay?”

“I killed our baby!” He wailed, fresh tears falling. “Me. Not you, not Tina. Me. My cursed DNA doomed this child from the start. Your baby didn’t die. Mine did.”

“Baby,” Eric cooed. “This has nothing to do with you, alright. These things happen, we both knew the chances going into this.”

“We had a baby,” Dele continued to cry. “We had everything and I ruined it. I wasn’t meant to get my happy ending.”

Eric just stood on the step, still stunned. The news was hard for him to take as well but he couldn’t break down, not now, not when Dele was inconsolable. He had to be strong for the both of them, at least for now. He rocked Dele in his arms to try and get the crying to subside, to be a literal rock for him. He patted at his back, soothed out his hair, using all his old tricks. At this point Eric knew that Dele needed to rest, it was his only option and reliable solution at this point. He didn't say a word, he just maneuvered Dele up the stairs to their bedroom. He helped me get undressed until he was just in his pants and got him into the bed and under the comforter. Eric slid into bed himself and cradled Dele into his chest and just let him cry. He was trying to keep all his emotions in, for now. Eric knew once Dele was okay and asleep he’d breakdown but for now he remained stoic. Dele get mumbling words into Eric’s chest, a lot of was just emotional rambling nonsense that Eric couldn’t decipher what he could make out was a constant run of apologies. Dele felt like what happened was personally his fault, which it wasn’t. None of this was ever, ever his fault. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Dele whispered into Eric’s chest, using his shirt to wipe his nose and eyes. “I don’t deserve happiness.”

“Look at me,” Eric told him, raising his chin with his index finger. “You deserve everything good this world has to offer, Delboy. Everything. You hear me? You’ll get your happy ending, okay?”

“I don’t think I can,” he replied with a small shake of his head, still looking Eric directly in his eyes. “How can you say that after what I did?”

“You did nothing wrong,” Eric stressed. “You’ll have the child you’ve always wanted. It just wasn’t meant to happen now, but it will. It’ll happen and you’ll be so happy and our family will be full of love because of it, because of you.”

A few minutes later Dele was finally resting, crying himself to sleep. Eric laid there will him for a few minutes, making sure he was definitely sleeping and comfortable. His face was scrunched up in discomfort but he was asleep, and his crying had finally stopped. Eric untangled himself from Dele and got up from the bed, making his way across the hall to Fay’s room. He checked on his little girl who was sound asleep, her nap usually lasting another half hour or so. He pushed her blonde hair away from her eyes before adjusting the blanket that was haphazardly placed on her, Fay more than likely kicking it off as she slept. Once he knew she was comfortable Eric sat in his favorite place in the entire home, his rocking chair. He just sat there and rocked back and forth softly. He tried to occupy his thoughts with things that’ll ground him, Fay’s soft baby snores, Spurs advancing in the Champions League, anything that’ll make him happy. It was no use. Dele’s words and cries kept echoing in his head. They had lost the baby. He had to be strong for all three of them, Tina as well. Now he wasn’t required to. Now in the quiet home, in Fay’s room, he was allowed to lose it. Feel anything and everything he was holding in as he tried to soothe his husband. He let silent sobs escape his mouth, trying not to wake Fay as he cried. He just let it all out, everything he’d been holding in for the last hour, the last couple of years honestly. He held everything in to be the pillar of strength for everyone but now he couldn’t, now he gave himself permission to just let it all out. 

“You’re okay baby girl. I’ve got you.”

Eric stirred at the voice. His eyes were closed and his body slowly started to ache, a clear indication that he must’ve fallen asleep. As he got himself acclimated to his surroundings he could faintly hear Dele’s voice in the bedroom. Fay must’ve woken from her nap or Dele just had his fatherly instincts kick in and decided to check on her to see if she was awake and okay. Eric continued to sit in the rocking chair with his eyes closed, he didn’t want to disturb whatever moment his husband and daughter were having. 

“Daddy and I were so excited to find out that you were going to be a big sister,” Dele spoke to Fay, rocking her in his arms. She looked up at him with her big blue eyes, hanging on to every word he said. “I’m sorry we failed you Fairy Fay. It’s gonna be hard for Poppa and daddy to get over it but we will. Don’t worry though, we both love you so much babes, despite the pain we’re feeling you’re still our number one girl.”

Eric was so glad to hear that Dele seemed to be in a much better headspace then he was a few hours ago. Yes, what they just experienced was traumatic and devastating and life altering but they had so much more to focus on. They couldn’t dwell in their sadness for too long, life needed to move on, Fay needed them. There was no set time to move on or stop feeling an ache in their chest for their lost baby but they knew everything was beyond their control, there wasn’t anything they could do except sadly moving on from this heartbreaking ordeal and continue on with their lives. 

The weeks and months following weren’t easy, they knew it would never be. They tried to move forward as easily as possible. They still checked in on Tina, made sure she was okay. She had to deal with everything as well, more so then they did. They didn’t want her to think that she never once wasn’t a member of their family and wasn’t welcome to grieve with them if she needed it. But they all eventually able to move on and resume normal life. The summer came and went with them taking Fay on holiday and spoiling her like normal, celebrating her second birthday with friends and family. They tried to dodge questions about when and if they were going to have more children, the subject and topic still leaving a bitter taste in their mouth. They’d reply with a tight smile and let people know that when it was time to have another child it’ll happen and that they weren’t rushing it. Around Christmas Eric tried to softly approach the subject of maybe trying again, which Dele quickly shot down. He wasn’t ready, mentally or emotionally. He was working through it in therapy but Eric could still tell it was a sore subject and still felt like a fresh, raw wound. Christmas came and went with as much celebration as the year before, Dele cooking his now infamous spaghetti and meatballs as their new tradition, Fay able to participate more in the gift opening and slowly start to understand what Christmas was. Watching their daughter grow up and experience and learn new things each and everyday was fulfilling enough for them, for the time being. They had their hands full, in a good way. They couldn’t stop the world and get off after the miscarriage, even though every fiber in their being wanted them to. They needed to remain present for each other, for Fay. 

“Del, come here!” Eric called to him. 

Dele stumbled into the walk-in closet, his shirt half tucked into his trousers, one sock on. “What?”

“Does this look alright?” Eric asked, doing a little twirl to showcase his outfit. He was wearing black trousers and a light blue button down shirt, his already tucked in. 

“Adding color to your wardrobe is the best accomplishment I ever made in life,” Dele jokes, standing on his tiptoes to place a kiss on Eric’s lips. “You think we can hang with the young ones tonight?”

Eric scoffed and playfully pushed Dele’s face away from his. “Can you stay up past midnight? Can you handle the loud noise, old man?”

“Me?” Dele gasped. “You’re the one in your thirties, Dier, not me.”

When Eric and Dele received an invitation from the FA for their annual New Year’s Eve party they were both hesitant to reply. They hadn’t been in the most celebratory mood all year. They wanted to see old friends and coaches and managers but didn’t know how to go about it without feeling somber the entire night. Sally and Alan were the first to volunteer to watch Fay, even without being formally asked. No one in their family knew what had happened but all could tell something did and was dragging their moods down, despite some distance and time between them and the loss of the baby. They knew it would be good for them to get out of the house for the night, enjoy life and reconnect with old friends. They were still young, still have a lot of life left in them and had a lot to celebrate. They dropped Fay off at the Hickford’s around eight, saying their goodbyes which was more painful for them than her. The whole night ahead of them was planned accordingly. Dinner at nine followed by cocktails and dancing until midnight where a fireworks display would happen until half past twelve with festivities wrapping up around one. It was a short night and probably exactly what they needed at that time. 

The party was fun, seeing people like Harry Kane and catching up with the likes of Jesse and Marcus, a lot of them still playing. Even seeing Gareth and catching up with him. It was good to let their hair down and unwind for a few hours, forget about the chaos and drama of their lives outside of the banquet hall. They were asked about Fay numerous times and were more than ready to share photos and stories. It felt good to be around friends and people their own age, people who let them reminisce about their playing days and their winning run at the World Cup in 2022. The DJ played soft music as they were served a four course meal, the hall was filled with laughter from every table, Dele and Eric sitting with Kane, Danny Rose, and Trippier, a small Spurs reunion. After dinner, once the music changed and Dele had a drink or two in him, things changed. Eric looked at him fondly as he sipped his own scotch, Dele on the dance floor with Jesse then by himself dancing to the beat, not having a single care in the world. This was the Dele he loved, the childlike, carefree spirit shining bright. He would look over at Eric through the crowd and just beam, a genuine smile on his face, something he hadn’t seen in a long, long time. As the time approached midnight everyone was told to stand outside on the balcony to bring in the new year, as soon as the clock struck midnight the show of fireworks were to begin. 

Eric stood behind Dele, his arms wrapped around his waist. “Happy?”

Dele turned his head and nodded enthusiastically. “Very. Thank you for convincing me to come.”

“Of course,” Eric told him, kissing his forehead. “This year’s going to be different Delboy, I promise you that.”

“Hope so,” he sighed, resting his body against Eric’s. 

Eric wrapped his arms tighter around Dele as everyone kept making their way onto the balcony, noise makers and streamers in their hands, some with glasses or bottles of champagne to celebrate. Despite the excitement between everyone Eric was focused on Dele, his head resting comfortably on Dele’s. “Happy new year, love.”

“Happy new year,” Dele replied, bringing their conjoined hands up to his mouth to kiss Eric’s knuckles. 

As everyone counted down and eventually celebrated the new year the fireworks began, noise makers popping and confetti falling from streamers set off by a few of the guys. It was a loud and controlled chaos type of feeling. Champagne corks being popped open and flowing off the balcony and people’s glasses. It made Eric nostalgic, took him back to Qatar, in the dressing room after they won the World Cup. Everyone felt untouchable, on top of the world. Despite their differences and all the hardships they went through on and off the pitch, they were there for one common goal and they achieved it. Now it wasn’t much different. Life had taken everyone on different paths, career and life wise but this one event brought them all back together. Eric and Dele had a traumatic year but for one night at least they were able to look past it, to regain some sense of normalcy in their lives. They were able to be themselves for the first time in a long time, didn’t have to be parents who were constantly haunted by the memory of the child they lost while trying to properly love and raise the one they had. 

The fireworks were lightening up the north London sky red. Everyone taking in the festivities in excitement, even though more than half of them were drunk. Some went back into the hall to refill their drinks or continue dancing before the party ended. Some were making plans to go to a club or bar after. Dele looked up at Eric who just shook his head, they both wanted to just go straight home after the party was over. After the fireworks display Dele helped himself to another drink before the bar closed, grabbing another scotch for Eric. He tried desperately to get Eric to dance with him to no avail. He gave up after several attempts, deciding to go on the dance floor by himself finding Jesse and dancing with him. Eric kept a watchful eye on him as he did so, knowing how Dele could get after a few drinks in him. He sat at the table and spoke with those around him, discussing anything and everything as he slowly sipped his drink. Dele’s laugh could be heard over the thumping bass of the music, Jesse doing or saying something to put him in a fit of drunk giggles. Eric’s heart felt content with that sound, missing it these past few months. They had a lot to do to be fully healed but genuine laughter was a step towards that direction. 

“Diet,” Dele whined as he pinned himself against Eric’s side once they were in the chauffeured car heading back home. He gripped Eric’s thigh, massaging small circles into his leg. 

“Del,” Eric huffed, staring straight ahead at the back of the driver’s head. 

“Eric,” he continued to whine, kissing Eric’s neck. His hand slowly crept up Eric’s legs. “Babe.”

“Not now, Del,” Eric told him, pushing Dele’s hand away. 

Dele whined again as he removed his hand, frustrated in more ways than one. Eric pinched his other thigh to stop himself from reacting to Dele’s taunts. He wanted it, wanted to touch and kiss and love his husband but he also knew the back of a car wasn’t the right time or place for it. It had been so long, too long, since they had any alone time together but he wanted to make it right. Wanted to take his time to unravel Dele, make him squirm, make him beg, make him his. They had the whole night ahead of them, Fay was staying with Alan and Sally for another two days to give them some alone time and work on themselves and their marriage, reconnect. Eric had plans for them that Dele wasn’t even privy to. He wanted to show his husband how much he loved and adored him, he wanted to dedicate hours to remind him of just that. Eric wanted to laugh as Dele pouted next to him, looking like the dejected child he was acting like. They were mere minutes from their home, from all of Eric’s plans that required a well behaved Dele. Eric took Dele’s hand and kissed the inside of his palm, making sure to look at him directly, give him a sign that this would continue, just not in the backseat of a strangers vehicle when they had a perfectly good bed at home. Dele perked up at the raise of Eric’s eyebrows and the smirk on his face, even drunk Dele could understand Eric’s signs perfectly. He sat up straight, rubbing at his thighs in anticipation, desperately trying to keep his hands to himself. 

When they finally got home Dele felt like he was vibrating with anticipation, his eyes already heavy and dark with want. He also knew he had to follow Eric’s lead, which he did. They shrugged off their jackets and took off their shoes, mundane things they did regularly. Dele’s eyes followed Eric as he went into the kitchen for some water, taking his sweet time as he leaned up against the counter to drink from the glass. Dele’s eyes were glued on Eric’s mouth then neck as a drop trickled down under his shirt. He desperately wanted to be that drop of water, his body aching to touch Eric. Eric was nonchalant the entire time, occasionally smirking at his husband as he went about his business of drinking his water and eventually rinsing out the glass he had just used. He was purposely teasing Dele and it was killing him, seeing his hands twitch my his side, balling them into fists to contain himself and not just pounce at any given moment. Quietly they walked up the stairs, Eric heading to Fay’s nursery for a quick check before going to the bathroom. Dele stood in the hallway confused for a moment before heading into their bedroom. He quickly undressed himself, leaving on his boxers and socks before getting into bed and positioning himself in the middle. He could already feel himself getting hard due to the waiting and the anticipation of the evening ahead of them. He scratched at his thighs with his blunt nails to stop himself from touching. He wanted Eric to see him like this, see how quickly he was turned on by just the mere thought of being with him. 

“Aww Del,” Eric sympathetically cooed at him as he entered the room. “Look at you, baby.”

Eric grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled it over his head, Dele’s hooded eyes glued to him as he did. He kept digging his nails into his skin to stop himself for touching himself or even reaching out to Eric. He knew Eric was in charge and was setting the tone and he didn’t want to disrupt him. After Eric had removed his shirt he crawled onto the bed and up to Dele who’s breathing was getting heavy and chest was rising with each breath he tried to take. He threw his head back as Eric dived right him, peppering his neck and chest with kisses and tiny little bites. Dele places his band behind Eric’s head, using his nails to scratch at the soft hair on his head. Eric looked up at him with a gleam in his eye and a smirk on his mouth before moving down Dele’s body to his nipples, taking each one carefully into his mouth. Adding a little nip and tug that drew hisses out of Dele’s mouth and a moan of Eric’s name, his hand still firmly behind Eric’s head. Dele was getting antsy but knew Eric wanted to take his time, knew he was in control and knew exactly what he was doing go wind him up before ultimately taking care of him. He was just being impatient and Dele also knew Eric could sense that which meant he was going to have to wait even longer before Eric properly touched him. 

“Eric,” Dele whined, hips bucking up to get Eric’s attention. 

Eric pushed Dele’s hips back down on the bed with his own, their cocks brushing up against each other ever so slightly. Dele let out a hiss while Eric bit down on his bottom lip to keep himself steady and focused. “I’ll take care of you, love. Patience.”

Dele groaned, wanting to touch Eric and wanting to be touched. He could already feel himself unraveling at Eric’s taunts and teasing. He was also dying to be kissed, to feel Eric’s lips on his, to own him, to take care of him. He was trying pathetically to keep his hips down and not buck up every time Eric placed a kiss on his chest, heading lower and lower each time. He nipped at Dele’s stomach, soothing the bite with a little kiss or lick after. Dele’s mind was all over the place, overwhelmed and wound up. His thighs were starting to burn as he let go of the back of Eric’s head and dug his nails into his legs to stop himself from touching himself or grabbing at Eric’s pants and yanking them off. The alcohol in his veins from earlier in the night was making him dizzy, making everything feel heightened. Dele let out a whimper when Eric ghosted his hand underneath the waistband of his boxers, fingertips barely touching his aching, leaking cock. Eric moved his hand away to grip at Dele’s hips, keeping him still. He whimpered at the touch, his body feeling hot, his insides a coil needing to be unraveled and let loose. He sighed when Eric finally kissed him sloppily, a tangle of lips and tongues, an occasional clash of teeth. Eric slowly lowered his own hips to meet Dele’s as they both hissed into each other’s mouth, panting. Dele hooked his legs around Eric’s, bringing him in closer, meshing their chests together. 

“Eric, please,” Dele begged, hands scrambling for any part of Eric’s body he could touch. He squeezed at his hips, nails scratching across his sides. 

Eric pushed his hips down once again, this time with more vigor, both of them gasping at the sensation. Eric wanted to keep teasing him but he also needed a release as well, his skin already sticky with sweat, his cock heavy and straining in his pants. He lifted himself up and off of Dele, giving him another hungry passionate kiss before slowly making his way down his body. Sucking and biting across his neck and collarbone before kissing down his chest, paying special attention to his belly and hips, tracing his tongue across the waistband of his boxers. Dele was trying to stay still, thighs shaking as he willed himself to keep his hips down. He let out a sigh of relief as he lifted his hips with Eric’s permission, slipping his boxers down and off his legs, his cock bobbing free. Eric stood up and stepped back, looking down at Dele with dark, hooded eyes, a smile on his face. He was admiring him, taking him all in. The tanned skin against the white sheets, black ink popping even in the darkened room. Eric’s name tattooed on the inside of Dele’s thigh still made him swoon, the fairy on his ribs to represent Fay. It was all overwhelming and all consuming. He slowly crawled back onto the bed and took Dele’s left leg in his hands, bending it at the knee. He left butterfly kisses on his knee, using his right arm to grip roughly at his hip. He placed his leg down and sucked a bruise into his thigh, right below where his name was etched in his skin. 

Dele let out a shuddering breath when Eric finally put his mouth on him, his tongue licking the underside of his dick, sucking softly. His fists were immediately tangled in the sheets to center himself and not pull Eric’s hair off his scalp. He kept repeating Eric’s name in soft tones as Eric took him further, deeper into his mouth for a few seconds before letting go with a loud pop each time. He knew exactly what to do to get Dele weak in the knees, leaking all over himself and the bed, and helplessly begging for more. Eric kept teasing him despite the groans of frustration from Dele above him, who was now leaning on his elbows watching Eric. Every time Eric would take him in his mouth his eyes would roll and his head would roll back. It took all he had to not cum right away, to savor the moment. It had been so long since they were able to take their time and enjoy each other. Only getting by with a quickie in the shower or a half hearted handjob while Fay napped. Eric wanted to take his time getting Dele off, ignoring the throbbing between his own legs, his own dick begging to be touched. He rubbed his hips against the bed for some temporarily relief as he took Dele deeper, his dick hitting the back of his throat. Dele let out a guttural groan and collapsed back on the bed, obscenities and Eric’s name continually falling out his mouth. His hands kept moving, gripping the sheets, the headboard, Eric’s hair. He tried to find something to center himself as Eric licked up the vein on the underside of his dick, nipping softly at the leaking head, blowing hot breath that gave him goosebumps. 

“Eric,” Dele moaned. “St-stop I’m gonna cum.”

Eric removed his mouth from Dele and looked up at him through his eyelashes, a smirk on his face. “That’s the point, love.”

“I want you to fuck me,” he weakly begged. 

“Yeah?” He cheekily asked, crawling up Dele’s body. He nipped at his neck, kissing along his jaw before placing a kiss on his lips. “You need to get off baby?”

Dele nodded his head enthusiastically, hands snaking in between the two of them, gripping at Eric’s dick through the fabric of his pants. “Looks like you need it, too.”

“This isn’t about me,” he told him, groaning at the touch in between his legs. He dropped his head onto Dele’s shoulder, rolling his hips into Dele’s touch, biting at his collarbone. “F-fuck, Del.”

Dele put his hands underneath the waistband of Eric’s pants and squeezed, making Eric hiss. He then wrapped his legs around Eric’s calf’s and thrusted upwards, clashing their hips together, both of them throbbing and silently begging for a release. “You’re so good to me, baby.”

Dele took Eric’s moment of weakness and distraction as a perfect opportunity to undo the button and zipper on Eric’s trousers and slip them off. Eric was so dizzy and overcome with desire the he easily let Dele maneuver the garment off of him. He sat back on his haunches, eyes dark and blown wide as he easily let Dele undress him. He let out a low whimper when Dele’s knuckles brushed up against his dick, still confined in his boxers. He was so quick to show his dominance against Dele that he forgot how quickly the tables could be turned when Dele was determined. His body was aching for a release that he gave into his husband easily, letting him set the tone. He sat up momentarily so he could finally be released of his last bit of clothing, his boxers getting thrown on the floor with all their other discarded clothes. Dele was so gentle with him it almost made Eric want to cry. He kissed his eyelids softly before peppering kisses along his cheeks and neck, his lips brushing against his pulse point, his heart beating out of his chest at the tenderness of it all. Dele’s hands were quick and calculated as he touched Eric, gripping at his arms tightly before moving down to ghost his fingertips along his stomach and adding just the right amount of pressure to his hips. His dick was standing up at attention begging to be touched, Eric letting out soft whimpers every time Dele’s fingers would graze him. 

“Dele,” he begged, head bowed. His legs were burning from the position he was sitting in, hands at his sides, grabbing at the sheets below him. 

“What do you need, love? Tell me,” Dele asked softly, kissing along Eric’s shoulders and neck. 

“To-touch me,” he weakly pleaded. 

With ease, Dele maneuvered them so Eric was finally off his legs and laying down on his back on the bed. Eric let out a sigh of relief at the change in position, feeling the sensation coming back into his calves and thighs. Dele hovered over Eric, holding himself up with his forearms and kissed him, his right hand in Eric’s hair, making him lose his balance momentarily. The kiss was hungry and soft at the same time, filled with love but desire and want. Dele sucked on Eric’s bottom lip which made him moan into Dele’s mouth, a silent plead to get on with it. The kiss ended as Dele made his way down Eric’s body, stopping here and there to pepper his neck and chest with open mouth kisses or little nips of his teeth. Dele took his hands and started to massage circles into Eric’s thighs, adding more tension to the lower half of his body. He was purposely avoiding any contact with his dick, which twitched anytime Dele’s hands were anywhere near him. His body and mouth were begging him, pleading him to take pity on him and give me the relief he desperately needed. Eric almost screamed when Dele finally touched him, grabbing a hold of his dick and licking at the head, blowing cold air from his mouth that made Eric twitch in Dele’s hands. A choked out sob was ripped from Eric’s body when without any warning or notice Dele took all over Eric in his mouth expertly. Eric saw stars behind his closed eyelids, biting furiously at his bottom lip to try and hold the moans in. 

Dele looked up at Eric through his eyelashes, a smirk on his face despite having Eric completely in his mouth. Eric groaned and threw his head back, both at Dele’s face and also at the heat that was pooling in the pit of his stomach. If he could spend the rest of his life lying on his back and have his husband suck him off, he would. They were so insync with each other’s bodies at this point it was getting rather comical. Ten years together and they’d slowly molded into one person. As Dele continued teasing Eric with his mouth he used his hands to grip at his thighs, his hips, anything he could get his hands on to display some sort of dominance over him. Eric was already putty in his hands but it worked, he was relaxed and in a dazed state at this point. Eric did though grab at Dele’s right hands and moved himself to slowly suck on his fingers. The heat of his mouth sent a tingle down Dele’s spine, toes curling. Soon Eric was copying Dele’s rhythm. Dele was moaning around Eric’s dick, his calculated rhythm now becoming sloppy, he was licking more than sucking, trying to stay connected to Eric as much a possible. 

“Diet,” Dele moaned, completely removing himself from Eric. 

“Prep yourself for me,” Eric croaked out from in between sucking and licking at Dele’s fingers. 

Dele removed his hand from Eric’s mouth and scrambled to his feet while Eric sat up against the pillow that aligned the headboard. He lazily stroked himself as Dele rearranged himself so he could slip his right hand between his legs. He locked eyes with Eric, biting his lip and trying to control his heartbeat as he slipped one finger instead himself with ease. The tension in his belly grew tighter as he sighed at the sensation. He felt overwhelmed as he pumped his finger in and out, stool starting directly into Eric’s eyes as he continued to slowly stroke himself, adding little to no pressure as he twisted his wrist on the way up. Dele’s legs were shaking, his thighs burning as he hovered over the bed fucking himself with one finger. His face was soft, mouth open, cheeks red, his body on complete fire. Eric kept the eye contact between them as his left hand reached behind him to the bedside draw to grab blindly for the lube. He could tell Dele added a second finger with the small gasp he let out. He could’ve spent all night, all morning, watching Dele fuck himself, it was a beautiful sight to behold. He grabbed the lube and tossed it on the bed, his right hand still haphazardly stroking himself. Dele’s body was hunched over, head falling forward, legs shaking and continuous gasps and moans falling freely from his mouth, lips red from biting them. He looked beautiful but a disaster at them same time, Eric’s stomach coiling at the sight in front of him. Even with locked eyes, Dele was acting as if he was alone with no one watching him unravel himself. 

“Eric,” Dele choked out, his hand stopping as he felt his entire body ache for a release. 

“You’re good, baby?” Eric asked hoarsely, his eyes now focused on squirting a handful of lube into his palm, needing to slick himself up even more. Squirting a smaller amount onto his fingers, Eric reached out to rub at Dele’s hole, the contact producing an audible gasp from his lips. 

“Please,” he begged. “I-I need you.”

“I’m here,” he reassured him, sitting up against the pillows, hands now on Dele’s hips to help guide him forward. 

Dele placed his hands on Eric’s chest as he let himself be handled by Eric. His body was already lax and easy to maneuver by Eric’s strong hands and purposeful touch. He held his breath as Eric squeezed at his sides, a signal of theirs to acknowledge their readiness. Dele hovered over Eric before slowly sinking himself onto Eric’s dick. Both let out a hiss at the pace and the feeling of togetherness, completion. Dele didn’t move, letting himself get comfortable and adjusted. Eric’s fingers were twitching at Dele’s side, a silent beg for his husband to move. Finally Dele did move, almost complete lifting himself entirely off of Eric. He slammed himself back down causing Eric to buck his hips up, hitting Dele at a perfect angle. The nonsense spewing out of Dele’s mouth let Eric know he had hit the right spot with the move of his hips. He raised his legs so they were bent, Dele now sitting on his thighs, recklessly riding Eric. Eric grabbed at Dele’s hips, thighs, love handles to guide him onto his dick. Dele was biting his lip raw gasps and whimpers falling freely from his mouth every time Eric rammed into at just the right angle, hitting his prostate each time. His vision was getting white, the heat in the pit of his stomach getting hotter. He could feel Eric’s thighs shaking underneath him as he raked his nails across his chest, a hiss falling from his lips. 

“Fuck, Del,” he moaned. “Close.”

“Touch me,” Dele begged as he slowed down. 

Eric obliged him and wrapped a hand around Dele’s dick, tugging it a few times before Dele picked up the pace. Eric kept fucking his hips up in time with his hand. Dele felt overwhelmed, feeling everything all at once. His hips were moving recklessly, sloppily, fucking back into Eric and up into his hand. Eric swiped his thumb across the head making Dele let out a scream. The coil in his belly getting tighter and tighter, his body literally aching for a release. He could feel Eric twitching inside him, looking down at him and seeing him with closed eyes, his grip around his dick growing tighter his tugs getting careless. Two sharp tugs later and Dele was seeing white the coil in the pit of his stomach finally coming undone as he came all over Eric’s hands and chest, his breath coming out in sharp pants. His bones immediately went lax, his body feeling empty and spent. 

Eric let go of Dele’s dick and gripped tightly at his hips, now chasing his own release. Dele had spent all his energy that Eric instinctively took over, powerfully fucking up into Dele. His thrusts were sloppy and made Dele wince at the overwhelming feeling but he could tell Eric was close. He kept repeating Dele’s name over and over again like a chant. His face was red and sweat was falling from his brow, he looked absolutely debauched. Eric lifted his torso from the bed and grabbed onto Dele, bringing him into his chest with one final thrust as he emptied himself inside of his husband, body shaking. Dele winced as he lifted himself off of Eric with a low pop. He collapsed into Eric who held him closer, tighter, kissing at his forehead and neck while their heartbeats returned to normal. The silence echoed around them, their breathing the only audible noise in the room. Dele stifled a yawn in Eric’s chest, pure exhaustion taking over. They knew they had to clean themselves up, possibly shower, but both were too blissed out and comfortable to move. Eric stretched out his legs, hearing his knee crack, and lied down, Dele still attached to his chest. He threw the comforter over both their hips and legs as Dele snuggled in closer, kissing Eric’s chest right where he felt his heartbeat. 

The year was passing by in a flash. They busied themselves with work and raising Fay who was growing into her own individual. She was mischievous like Dele, always pushing the limits of what she could and couldn’t do. She was also tall, like Eric, many people confused of her age due to her height. The lingering feeling of having another child always hung in the air, neither of them wanting to be the one to start the conversation. It was still a raw topic, only being covered up by a scab that neither of them wanted to pick at. Towards mid March Eric began planning an epic thirtieth birthday dinner party for Dele, unbeknownst to him. He asked Molly for help, she was the only person he trusted with the secret. He knew Harry would be useless, especially seeing he’d expect a similar party for himself later that year. Doing everything in secrecy was slowing starting to stress Eric out, trying to find a restaurant that would hold all of them and then figuring out who he’d invite. The last time Eric kept a secret from Dele was when he was going to propose and even then he didn’t keep the secret well. He was on edge and dodgy, curt with his answers when Dele would ask him something mundane, always a step away from starting a meaningless argument due to his nerves. Luckily Dele didn’t pry much or often about his upcoming birthday or any plans Eric may have for him. Eric did tell him they’d be going to dinner, the three of them, to celebrate. He knew he needed to get Dele to the restaurant but he didn’t need to know that all his friends and both their families would be there. 

Eric hoped someone had a good video or picture of Dele’s face when he entered the restaurant and saw everyone. Eric felt so accomplished and proud that he pulled off the surprise because Dele was genuinely surprised. Getting to the place on time was a hassle, Dele didn’t know what to wear and Fay was getting cranky cause it was passed her supper time and she was getting hungry. Like typical April weather in London, it was raining so the twenty minute drive took closer to an hour. It was little things that were driving Eric up a wall but he refused to let it get to him, he had to remain calm and level headed. Dele’s face lit up at seeing both families, all his nieces and nephews as well. A huge golden balloon that was the number thirty was tied to a chair that was specifically for him, even a little paper birthday crown was placed on his dish so he could wear it, which he did proudly until Fay made a fuss and wanted it for herself. Once the excitement of Dele’s arrival died down, both of them were pulled into a million different directions by family members and friends. Everyone teasing Dele about his age and how they could spot a grey hair on his head. It was all in good fun and it was good to see Dele smile and laugh again, especially around his family. Louise immediately scooped Fay from Eric’s arms and refused to let her go, heading to Jeremy to spoil their granddaughter and let Eric and Dele both enjoy the night and the atmosphere. 

“So when am I going to get another one of these?” Louise bluntly asked her son as she held Fay an hour later. She pushed Fay’s blonde hair out of her eyes and looked over at Eric and Dele. “Hmm?”

Eric looked over at Dele as they both shared the same expression. They bit their lips in worry, their eyes wide and speaking words their mouths couldn’t. 

“Yeah,” Sally agreed. “Louise has six grand babies and I only have four. I need to catch up.”

“Talk to your other son,” Dele scoffed playfully. 

“We-we’ve talked about it,” Eric told them, not knowing how much to tell their mums without bringing up the miscarriage. “Just haven’t been able to fit it in our schedule.”

“What better time than the present?” Louise asked, putting Fay down as she watched Archie run past them. “She needs a little sibling to play with to look over.”

“Mum,” Eric sighed. 

“Maybe soon,” Dele added, looking over at Eric. “We’ve got to get a few things in order first before we buckle down and finalize everything.”

“Yeah?” Eric asked, taken aback, but trying to play it off like he and Dele were on the same page. 

Eric tried to shake off Dele’s words during the rest of the party. He went with the motions during the main course and even during dessert. He posed for pictures everyone wanted to take of their family around the cake. He even let Dele take Fay when she was screaming and crying to blow out his birthday candles. He kept trying to read his husband, figure him out. He was tempted to bring the topic back up on the drive home but dropped him once Dele closed his eyes as Eric drove. He tucked him into bed and held him a little closer that night. Eric desperately wanted and tried to bring up the topic of another child numerous times over the next few days and weeks. He just didn’t know how to approach it. He didn’t know if Dele just said what he did to pacify their mothers or if he was being sincere. Of course Eric wanted a second child, he wanted Fay to have a sibling, he wanted to raise another little girl or a boy with his husband. Two years after the miscarriage he, Eric still didn’t know how Dele felt. It was a conversation neither of them wanted to have so they kept it locked up inside of themselves and just continued on with their lives. Every time Eric worked up the nerve to approach the topic of another child life got in the way or he froze up and got nervous. He didn’t even truly know if he was ready for another kid, if he had properly healed. 

The summer came fast and they were back in America for their summer holiday and Fay’s third birthday. It had become a tradition of theirs now, something stabilizing, something to look forward to each year. They ended up buying a summer home on Cape Cod the year before, renting it out during the months they weren’t there. It was good to get away from the chaos of London, the attention they still received just walking down the street. The pop up jobs here and there when the national team or Spurs did something incredible. They both retired early to focus on their family and never once did they look back with regrets. They had accomplished so much together and separately that they felt complete when they hung up their boots for the final time. Eric just relaxed on the beach with his family, Fay basking in the warm summer sun, her hair getting more blonde in the sun, Dele’s skin glistening due to his tan. The week away was always a good place to reset themselves and focus on the future and the daunting winter months in London. Their lives were never dull, raising a toddler was never easy. They may not have worked consistently but they were always busy. On their flight back home to London, as Fay slept, Eric was tempted to corner Dele and ask him about baby number two, until he put his headphones on and slept himself. He had played to conversation over and over again on his head a million times since April, each time Dele wholeheartedly agreeing to heal and move on. 

“Del,” Eric called to him softly right after the new year. Fay was at Molly’s for another much needed play date with her cousins. 

Dele walked into the living room where Eric sat, two cups of tea in his hands. He passed Eric’s mug to him and sat on the sofa, looking timidly over at him. “Uh oh.”

“Stop,” Eric whined and accepted the mug, blowing it before taking a sip. “We need to talk.”

“Uh oh,” Dele repeated. 

“It’s been almost two years since we lost the baby,” he gently reminded him, sighing as he spoke. He watched as Dele closed his eyes briefly and dropped his head. “It’s something we will never fully heal from and that’s acceptable, but we need to move on, Del.”

“Eric, I-I don’t think I can,” he admitted.

“I’m not saying we have to forget what he went through,” he explained. “But we have to move on, Del. It’s not healthy for either of us.”

Dele sighed and took another sip of his tea. “I want another baby but I’m afraid. What if it happens again, Eric? I don’t think I can recover from a second loss. The first one nearly killed me, killed us.”

“And what if nothing happens? Hmm?” Eric countered. “What if we have a little boy or girl that looks just like you?”

“That’ll be the dream,” Dele sighed again, closed his eyes briefly and smiled at the thought. “A little boy, long legs, curly brown hair. A little piece of me in this world.”

“It can still happen Delboy,” he reminded him softly. Eric placed his hand on Dele’s thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “No better time than the present, yeah?”

Dele looked down at Eric’s hand still on his thigh then looked up at his face, smiling and occasionally nodding at him encouragingly. Dele sighed and slowly placed his hand on Eric’s, slowly nodding himself. “O-okay, Diet. We’ll talk to Tina and Dr. Lyons in the morning.”

Eric leaned over on the couch and placed a soft, warm kiss on Dele’s forehead and lips. “Whatever you need, babe. This will be done at your pace, you set the rules.”

Like promised, Dele and Eric phoned Tina the next morning. She was a little taken aback by the call, but welcomed it nonetheless. The three of them spoke about nothing and everything for close to an hour. Sorting out their lives and whatever plans they had in the future. Tina was a little apprehensive to agree to being their surrogate again, not because she didn’t want to help them, but she too was still recovering from the previous experience. They all agreed to take the next step but take it slow. They’d speak to Dr. Lyons to get a professional opinion and see what she’d suggest they do moving forward. It was an exhausting conversation but one all three inevitably needed to have. At the turn of the new year, 2028, Eric and Dele, alongside Tina made an appointment with Dr. Lyons. The three adults asked the doctor any and all questions they had. She did her best to reassure them that if they all were in agreement moving forward and having another child was a good option. No, she unfortunately could not predict that another miscarriage would happen or not, but she’d monitor Tina and her progress as close as possible. She’d had to run some tests to make sure that both Dele and Tina were physical able to have another child, but other than that, everything seemed to be good to go for all parties involved. 

Numerous tests were run on both Dele and Tina, Eric even had blood drawn just in case. Everyone waited anxiously for the results as the days and weeks rolled on. Right after Eric’s thirty fourth birthday they got the news that they could proceed with the implementation. It was all scary, everyone hoping for the best but sadly were reminded of the worst possible outcome. They’d been through it and came out the other side but were covered in bruises and scars that would never fully heal. They held their breath as the procedure happened, hoping to come out on the other side successfully. Once Tina was out of the procedure, it was all a waiting game. Waiting for news, either good or bad. If good, they would proceed with the pregnancy cautiously, monitoring Tina and the baby’s every move. If Tina didn’t get pregnant, they’d try again. Fortunately, they had enough money to try as many times as they could, with Tina’s permission. Eric and Dele tried to go with the motions of their daily life in the proceeding weeks. Calling Tina almost daily to check up on her, Dele asking her how she felt each day with extra emphasis. He didn’t want to overwhelm her but he was anxious for any news. Tina decided she wasn’t going to do a home pregnancy test, she wanted to hear any and all news with both Dele and Eric after her blood appointment a month after implantation. 

“So?” Dele asked nervously towards the end of February. They were all crammed into Dr. Lyons office. She had the results right in front of her and Dele desperately wanted to peak over and read them.

“How are you feeling, Tina?” She asked casually causing Dele to groan in frustration. 

“Del,” Eric quickly scolded him. 

“Sorry,” he apologized sheepishly, his legs shaking in anticipation. “I just really want to know.”

“Ok,” the doctor began putting her hands on the file in front of her, “we are in fact pregnant gentlemen and Tina.”

Dele’s right hand grabbed for Tina’s and his left hand grabbed Eric’s, his legs stopping their shaking. “We are?”

Dr. Lyons turned the paper around so it was easier for everyone to read. She took a red pen and circled a number. “That’s Tina’s hCG levels. Through the roof and the urine test from earlier, she’s definitely pregnant.”

Everyone was overcome with joy and elated, the feeling of panic and dread that was silently hanging over them was now gone. They all had voices in the back of their mind reminding them that there was still something to worry about but they couldn’t focus on that, not now at least. Tina was pregnant and they were going to have their rainbow baby after all. On the drive home from Dr. Lyons office Dele turned into a new person, he would not shut up about anything and everything that came to his mind. Eric didn’t mind, he enjoyed seeing him like that. Passionate and ecstatic and full of life and love. They tried not to spoil the news when they picked Fay up from Molly’s house, their smiles wide and beaming. She was suspicious but knew not to pry even though it was killing her. The three of them went out to celebrate, despite all that was ahead of them they wanted to live in the moment and bask in it for as long as possible. Fay was unphased by it all, being only four, but still grasping the idea that her parents were up to something with their hushed whispers and shifting eyes when they spoke around her. Everything surrounding the pregnancy was kept secret, they were extra cautious this time around. At the first official checkup they brought Fay along with them instead of dropping her off at Molly’s or the Hickford’s home. They family would know about it in due time. 

“Strong heartbeat,” Dr. Lyons commented proudly. “Growing nicely.”

“Fairy Fay,” Dele called to his daughter. She looked up at him, her blue eyes wide and curious. “Hear that noise?”

Fay put her hand to her chin and closed her eyes to concentrate. All the adults trying not to laugh at how cute and attentive she looked. “Yeah.”

“That’s your little brother or sister,” Eric told her, his smile wide as Fay opened her eyes and looked around the room in shock. 

“I’m going to be a big sister!” She gasped, her eyes shifting to everyone in the room. 

“Yes you are,” Dele told her, squeezing her closer to him. 

“Wow,” she explained in excitement. 

“Right around Christmas time to be accurate,” Dr. Lyons added. 

“A Christmas miracle,” Dele sighed, kissing the top of Fay’s head, smoothing out her hair. 

The weeks rolled by quickly, Dele or Eric always with Tina at every appointment. They were reassured multiple times by Dr. Lyons that everything was going well and the baby was developing on schedule. Each time they heard the heartbeat theirs would swell. It was finally happening, they were going to have another baby. They next appointment in a weeks time was when they’d learn the sex of the baby. After that then they’d tell their family and friends that their family was growing by one. In all honesty, they were surprised that Fay was able to keep their secret. They had told her over a month ago and so far no one had asked them anything meaning Fay hadn’t said anything or they were minding their business and not prying. They all assumed that Fay actually forgot that she was going to be a big sister seeing she never asked any questions about it despite her being an overly curious child. She asked questions about anything and everything, slowly realizing that their family was slightly different than others she had encountered in her short life. It was a topic neither Eric or Dele knew how to tackle. Not only were they gay but they still were recognized whenever they were out in public. No one was over the top of zealous, especially when they were with Fay. They get fans who would respectfully ask for a picture or an autograph and made sure to never take a picture of Fay. They didn’t care who or why they were stopped, as long as they gave Fay the privacy she deserved as a child. She never asked for her life to be made public just because her father’s lives were. 

“What are we having?” Dele asked anxiously during the twenty one week check up. 

“I’m fine Del, thanks,” Tina replied sarcastically, wincing at the cold of the sonogram gel being placed onto her expanding belly. “A little nausea but otherwise I’m doing good.”

“I’m sorry Teens,” he quickly apologized, squeezing her arm. 

“He kept tossing and turning last night,” Eric added. “He’s overly anxious.”

Dr. Lyons laughed at the trio as she moved the sonogram along Tina’s stomach. She stopped once she found the heartbeat, making sure to hover over it so everyone could hear it properly. She pointed out the small body on the monitor, pointing out the toes and fingers, ten each. Dele grabbed Eric’s hand tightly, his dull fingernails digging into Eric’s palm. Tina scooted up on the exam table a little to get a better look at the monitor. Dr. Lyons kept moving the sonogram and pointing out things to them, the growth and progression of the pregnancy were all positive. 

“Are we ready?” Dr. Lyons asked. “Someone is cooperating so you’re in luck today.”

“The baby is healthy?” Eric asked. 

“He’s doing well,” the doctor answered. 

“He!” Dele exclaimed, shocking everyone else in the exam room. “We-we’re having a boy?”

“It’s a boy,” Dr. Lyons told them, beaming. 

“Eric, it’s a boy!” Dele shouted. He sighed and leaned back in his seat, he scrubbed at his face and smiled. “I’m going to have a boy.”

Eric kissed Dele’s temple and squeezed at his thigh. “Just like you dreamed of, love.”

A week before they left for Cape Cod for their summer holiday and Fay’s fifth birthday they gathered both their families for dinner. Louise and Jeremy flew in from Lisbon specifically for the occasion. It was just the parents, they’d break the news to their siblings the next day once everyone had been informed and calm. Eric was too nervous to cook like he usually did for the family so he hired a chef. They hired a pastry chef as well to bake them a cake that announced the pregnancy and was blue inside once you cut into it to announce the gender. It was over the top, they knew that, but they were also more than excited to be able to share the news. Sally and Louise immediately fawned over Fay when they arrived, Alan and Jeremy grabbing a beer from the fridge and retiring to the living room to catch up. Everything was at ease and calm, except Dele and Eric. They didn’t go this over the top to announce Fay’s impending arrival, just kind of blurted it out and let the family gossip take over. No one was prying, no one was asking questions as to why they were invited to a dinner that was prepared by a personal chef. Fay was on her best behavior, not spilling the beans about her baby brother. She was basking in the glory of her grandparents attention, of course they brought her birthday presents with them. 

“The food was amazing, Eric, really,” Louise commented after the meal was over and the dishes were clear. 

“We have dessert,” Dele added. He stood up from the table and walked into the kitchen. The cake was in the sitting in the middle of the island. Dele marveled at it as he brought it into the dinning room. “Bon appetit.”

Eric and Dele exchanged looks as Alan stood up to cut the first slice. He paused and they held their breaths, he looked at the writing then over at Dele. He nodded his head despite no one else at the table understanding their silent conversation. Alan dropped the knife and engulfed his son in a hug followed by Eric. Curiosity got the best of everyone else as they too were now reading the words on the cake. Both Sally and Louise started to tear up and hug their sons and husbands, Jeremy patting Eric on the back. Fay felt left out and got out her chair to hug Eric’s waist and grabbed at Dele’s shirt for attention. Another round of crying and hugs were exchanged once the cake was finally cut to reveal that they were having a boy. Everyone was elated and clapping their hands that Fay decided to join in the clapping, despite not fully comprehending why. She didn’t care, it just seemed like fun to her. The rest of the night was filled with questions about the impending arrival, Tina’s due date, and what they were going to name him specifically. They didn’t have any concrete plans on a name just yet, working out ideas that sounded right and fit. They wanted to meet him first person giving him his name. Once both sets of parents had left and Fay was put to bed both Eric and Dele laid down for the night and felt accomplished, felt the love in their hearts from earlier. Despite keeping the secret of the miscarriage and the pain that entailed, they were able to look forward and see the joy that their son was going to bring not only them, but their family as well. 

When they returned from Cape Cod things went into overdrive. Fay was five and starting school in her upcoming weeks, something both of them were dreading the thought of. She needs unphased by it all, excited to learn and meet new people, kids her own age besides her endless amount of cousins. They had to prepare the nursery and move Fay from her room she currently was in tons bigger one. She wasn’t too pleased to learn of the rearranging of rooms until Eric struck and deal with her and let her decide the color to paint it. Luckily Fay was a simple child and demanded her room be floor to ceiling bubble gum pink with a fairy motif. By mid September while Fay was in school they hired painters to come and do Fay’s room while an interior designer made all the decoration decisions for both Fay’s room and the nursery. They nursery didn’t need much fixing, fresh coat of paint and updated furniture. The only thing that remained from Fay’s nursery was Eric’s rocking chair. It symbolized so much and held such good and bad memories for them that he couldn’t part with it. While Eric held down the fort at home Dele was by Tina’s side every and anytime she needed him. He accompanied her on all the doctors appointments, when sat with her during her three hour sugar test, which she passed. He’d just sit with her and talk to her belly, his son, for hours at a time. He’d ramble on about his day, or just catch him up on who was who in the family. It was endearing to Tina so she never once cared that she just had to sit still and let Dele speak. She herself learned a lot about Eric and Dele and their family but him going off on his tangents. 

The final weeks of Tina’s pregnancy were approaching and everyone was getting a bit nervous. That’s when reality hit them, they were about to have a second child. They were prepared, at least they assumed so. Molly threw them an impromptu baby shower, no gifts, just family and friends gathering to properly congratulate them on their imminent arrival. Halfway through the shower they realized the party was more for Molly then them, she loved to throw a party and show off her hosting skills. It was harmless and fun so they let her be. December quickly crept up on them as they were busy with life around them. Fay was adjusting to school perfectly, getting involved in afterschool activities such as Girlguiding. It was a great way for her to meet new people and be a kid and have fun. It also lessened the worry and anxiety both Eric and Dele had when it came to Fay’s reaction to her brother arriving. On December 23rd, 2028, in the early morning hours Dele’s phone went off, it was Tina letting them know her water had broke. As soon as he hung up the phone Dele went into a panic mode, waking Eric up and phoning his mum. They begrudgingly woke Fay up and got her into the car to drop her off at Alan and Sally’s home before driving to the hospital. Tina wasn’t due for another five days but babies had a mind of their own, they came when they wanted to. By the time they got to the hospital Tina was already in the birthing suite and highly medicated. Now it was just a waiting game, one that Dele was already losing. He was pacing the room and biting his nails. Any little move Tina made he was by her side to see if she was okay. She was always fine, just uncomfortable and highly pregnant. 

A little after one o’clock in the afternoon little Gavin Alexander was born. Ten toes, ten fingers, and a mop of brown curly hair. His first cry was a sound they wanted to remember forever. Tina did amazing and was recovering nicely while Eric and Dele bonded with their new son. Dele held him first and never wanted to them him go, as he did that Eric informed their family’s about the arrival. Eric just marveled at how quickly Dele slotted himself into his role as father. He was already a father to Fay but this time was different. This time he was holding a piece of him, someone who could eventually grow up to look just like him. Eric didn’t want to break up the happy moment but he was craving to hold his son. He softly brushed the curls out of Gavin’s eyes and looked down at his face, the same face of his husband and his heart swelled. He was overcome with so many emotions. He wasn’t around for Fay’s birth, which still haunted him till this day. Gavin was beautiful and his little yawn was breathtaking. He begrudgingly gave him to a nurse to let him sleep. Eric and Dele’s eyes followed the nurse as she wheeled him away until they couldn’t see him anymore. They were now alone and that’s when reality hit them. They sat down and just sighed. Their day had been long already but more than worth it. 

“Alright, Delboy?” Eric asked, rubbing at his shoulder. 

“He’s amazing Eric,” Dele gushed, his smile wide. “I-I didn’t think I could feel this much love.”

“You did so good,” he praised him softly. “Tina needed you and you were right there.”

“I’m not going to mess this up,” Dele told him firmly. “God gave me a second chance at a child and I will not mess it up.”

“You’ll do amazing,” Eric assured him confidently. “You’re great with Fay so I don’t have any doubts.”

Dele nodded his head and let out a content sigh. He reached for Eric’s hand and placed a kiss over his wedding band. He interlocked their fingers and placed a kiss to his hand once more. “I’m happy, Diet. Our family is complete.”

“Love you, Delboy.”

“Love you, Eric.”


End file.
